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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at the assumption that I am a Mrs?

860 replies

Cheeseandolivesplease · 20/07/2026 21:57

So I completed a update form at the dentist for myself and my daughter; the ones they routinely hand out. It didn't ask for my title, but I ticked the "married" box.
Next thing I know, my name pings up on the screen as Mrs .
Just no!!
At the end of my appointment I went to ask for it to be corrected, but AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption?
A bit like the thread today referring to the new prime minister's wife as Mrs Burnham. She is Ms van Heel.

OP posts:
Cheeseandolivesplease · 21/07/2026 01:14

@Sunseaandtea Oh yes, that is a definitely a valid reason as to why men have a universal title but women don't(!)

OP posts:
Sunseaandtea · 21/07/2026 01:21

Cheeseandolivesplease · 21/07/2026 01:14

@Sunseaandtea Oh yes, that is a definitely a valid reason as to why men have a universal title but women don't(!)

I can't say it bothers me. In fact I love being my DHs Mrs & him my very own Mr. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wishitwasstraightforward · 21/07/2026 01:28

Sunseaandtea · 21/07/2026 00:53

Is there anything wrong with a woman being proud of telling the world she has committed herself to one man in life if that's her orientation. The title MRS tells people your marital status. I see absolutely nothing wrong or patriarchal about it.

Edited

I wouldn’t use proud in this context. However, if it genuinely makes you so proud that you want to tell the world all about it then fair enough. Well done. Gold star sister.

Gentlydoesit2 · 21/07/2026 05:17

Absolutely pathetic 🤣 get over yourself! It's really not a big deal. Just correct them

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · 21/07/2026 06:31

What is the alternative? To assume everyone is a Ms? That would insult me because I am definitely a Mrs and have been for over 40 years.
You are of course free to tell them how you wish to be addressed but to be annoyed at their initial assumption is unreasonable. They are trying to be polite.

purplepuffa · 21/07/2026 06:36

Cheeseandolivesplease · 20/07/2026 22:12

@PinkCatCushion That's you though. I chose not to play a part in supporting the patriarchy.

Yeah I get it, OP, but the truth is that it still exists and we all know it.

It's not unreasonable to be annoyed, but unusual to be shocked enough by it to start a thread (unless you're just trying to increase awareness and get people talking about it, in which case fair play to you!)

You must have known this would probably happen. It happens to me all the time as well.

I also get Mrs Husband's Surname a lot, even though my actual name is Ms My Surname!

It's just an outdated assumption.

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · 21/07/2026 06:36

DrRedT · 20/07/2026 22:54

I’m Dr, I put Dr on forms, and yet there are people who still call me Miss, and when I say people, it’s usually men who don’t like using my Dr title, and default to Miss, even when corrected.

It may be small to some, but it annoys me no end, a man with Dr title gets called Dr

Not if he’s a surgeon.

purplepuffa · 21/07/2026 06:42

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · 21/07/2026 06:31

What is the alternative? To assume everyone is a Ms? That would insult me because I am definitely a Mrs and have been for over 40 years.
You are of course free to tell them how you wish to be addressed but to be annoyed at their initial assumption is unreasonable. They are trying to be polite.

There is nothing wrong with being a Mrs and being proud and happy with that.

But moving forward, yes, a lot of younger people would like it to eventually be replaced with Ms as the default, for equality between men and women.

A man's title isn't based on his marital status but women's is - that isn't fair.

hansenhen · 21/07/2026 07:00

Cheeseandolivesplease · 20/07/2026 22:56

@Cosyblankets Of course women are still defined by marital status. Hence the titles. Come off it!

How has your dentist surgery defined you here?

Cosyblankets · 21/07/2026 07:03

SerafinasGoose · 20/07/2026 23:56

You’re fortunate. Mine insisted on referring me as Mrs HisName which is a name they know fine well isn’t mine.

In some cases it’s done to put women back into our box. For some years now I’ve used the Dr title as standard because I’m so bored with this noise. And hell would freeze over before the in-laws would address me as that!

Edited

Why are your in laws calling you anything but your actual name rather than a title?
To your face? Why don't they just call you by your first name?
On an envelope for a card? Doesn't this just go in the bin once you've opened it? Surely the card inside just has your first name?

Cosyblankets · 21/07/2026 07:04

DrRedT · 20/07/2026 23:43

I’m a teacher, prior to that, a research scientist.

I didn't mean at work sorry I mean in everyday life

UniquePinkSwan · 21/07/2026 07:05

You are being utterly ridiculous. It is a normal thing to think. I would never assume a married woman was Ms as it’s becoming an outdated term.

LuckyHazelFox · 21/07/2026 07:25

Cheeseandolivesplease · 20/07/2026 22:12

@PinkCatCushion That's you though. I chose not to play a part in supporting the patriarchy.

That's just ridiculous. You chose to get married and became a Mrs. Did you object to the term at your wedding service?

Cosyblankets · 21/07/2026 07:27

LuckyHazelFox · 21/07/2026 07:25

That's just ridiculous. You chose to get married and became a Mrs. Did you object to the term at your wedding service?

What term? Mrs? At the wedding service? Must have missed this at my wedding

FairyBatman · 21/07/2026 07:39

YANBU and the really annoying thing is that someone has done extra work to make the form default to Mrs if you are married instead of just having a space
for title or a dropdown.

I am a Mrs and it would annoy me.

Muffsies · 21/07/2026 07:43

Cheeseandolivesplease · 20/07/2026 23:17

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone
Quite. Generations before me did their part - it's our turn to continue to progress.

I completely agree. I manage a database of thousands of university alumni, and the standard convension I have told staff to use is to title women Ms (whether married or not) until you are explicitly told otherwise.

I have always used the title Ms myself, and use my own surname. Mostly because i have worked for this name, i'm not changing it to some anonymous 'Mrs-husband' for anyone. This is quite common among academics and women with careers.

LuckyHazelFox · 21/07/2026 07:44

Cosyblankets · 21/07/2026 07:27

What term? Mrs? At the wedding service? Must have missed this at my wedding

OK not the term Mrs but husband and wife. I can't believe I'm wasting my time on this nonsense.

Meadowfinch · 21/07/2026 07:46

I'm not married and spent the first year of ds' school correcting the assumed Mrs.

But they were doing it to be polite, assuming single motherhood was embarrassing whereas I regard it as a positive.

OP, if they haven't set out to offend you, perhaps don't take offence. It was kindly done.

Cosyblankets · 21/07/2026 07:47

LuckyHazelFox · 21/07/2026 07:44

OK not the term Mrs but husband and wife. I can't believe I'm wasting my time on this nonsense.

The entire point of this thread is that you can be av wife without being a Mrs.
Did you miss that bit?

MeatyMagda · 21/07/2026 07:48

Cosyblankets · 20/07/2026 22:44

But the point is women can choose.

But then the OP has been ridiculed, castigated, called a boring feminist, a drama queen, and other derogatory comments levied against her for wanting to choose?

RedGreen2 · 21/07/2026 07:50

I'm often referred to as Mrs, but I'm a Ms.

I think it would be better if women had a universal title, such as Ms. Why are men 'Mr' forever, but women vary between Mrs, Ms, Miss. All have negative connotations.

MeatyMagda · 21/07/2026 07:50

LuckyHazelFox · 21/07/2026 07:25

That's just ridiculous. You chose to get married and became a Mrs. Did you object to the term at your wedding service?

What are you talking about? At my wedding service they announced Ms myname and Mr hisname. Because those are our names.

Boomer55 · 21/07/2026 07:54

Zov · 20/07/2026 22:34

Nah. Don't agree with any of that at all. You clearly have issues. For some reason. Do not assume to tell me and other women how WE should feel. I LOVE having my husband's surname, and love that out children have it too.

Multiple surnames in one family who share the same house is odd IMO.

.

Edited

And me. I’ll always be ‘Mrs’ now, even as a widow.

Names don’t define you - behaviour does that. 🙄

HoppityBun · 21/07/2026 07:54

Cosyblankets · 21/07/2026 07:47

The entire point of this thread is that you can be av wife without being a Mrs.
Did you miss that bit?

I thought the entire point of the thread is that the OP is understandably annoyed that she can’t

TiredShadows · 21/07/2026 08:00

If it's important to you, include it.

It's not going to be important to everyone. In my work emails, I include a pronunciation guide to my name, because that's important to me, I know others who have the 'I'll respond to anything close' mindset. Neither of us is worse, we just have different priorities.

If the dentist didn't give you a way to do so, then yeah I can see the annoyance, but it reads that you just didn't put a title. They're going to have to assume something if no title is used, and we're not yet culturally at a place where going without a title is accepted (particularly by the computer systems they put things into most of the time).

It really is depressing isn't it, that so many women don't see the patriarchy at play in marital honorifics?

While sexism comes into play - though more in the fact whichever title we use, we get a partial word because of how the word mistress that they all come from is treated as sexual - it's stems more strongly from classism. Prior to the late Victorians, it wasn't assumed everyone had a title and the titles for women were more associated with class or profession (hence why women teachers are still mostly Miss). Texts of the time show unmarried women using Ms and Mrs, plenty of married Miss. Moving into the Edwardian period, young women from monied families largely used Miss - that fashion is how Miss became associated with unmarried women when there was a cultural shift that everyone should have a title, that this is how we're respectful, that this is the proper way to be even though it's still seen in many professions who actually gets their title used regularly and who gets called by their first name is still largely around hierarchal classism.

I don't think it's depressing that it's not seen that way, it's one of many lenses that can be used.

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