To be annoyed at the assumption that I am a Mrs?

[Cheeseandolivesplease]

So I completed a update form at the dentist for myself and my daughter; the ones they routinely hand out. It didn't ask for my title, but I ticked the "married" box.
Next thing I know, my name pings up on the screen as Mrs .
Just no!!
At the end of my appointment I went to ask for it to be corrected, but AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption?
A bit like the thread today referring to the new prime minister's wife as Mrs Burnham. She is Ms van Heel.

I wasn't upset, you were simply wrong based on sources that were inadequate.

What in this day and age where half (more than half of children?) are born to unmarried parents.

What is this 1956?

You keep going on about the patriarchy and marriage so I decided to look up what well known feminists think about marriage.

I came across a short video by Julie Bindel about this and according to Julie B. marriage ITSELF is patriarchal.
I'm sure this view is not unique amongst feminists.

So why are you going on about the fecking patriarchy using 'Mrs' when what you've done by marrying is viewed itself as being patriarchal?

Personally, I don't give much of a stuff about whether it's patriarchal or not but I'd thought I should at least try to find out what prominent feminists think. To be certain.

In any case let's be real here, you're earning 3 times more than your dh, I think that's what you said. Correct me obviously if I'm wrong.

Now while I don't give a stuff about the patriarchy as such my view is that he (she) who pays the piper calls the tune. As it always is and will always be.

In other words, you're clearly the one with the power here and your dh is not.

The view that marriage is patriarchal isn't unique amongst feminists, and I understand lesbians or just those who have chosen to live without men making that point.

However, the people claiming this (feminist or otherwise) pretty much never address the point that most women would, if not married, be instead living with a man and having children but just not have the same legal protections. The patriarchy absolutely fucking adores it when women take on a disproportionate share of caring labour without even the law on their side. Nothing that is good for women can possibly come of ignoring that.

So after arguing that it is okay to assume someone is Mrs you are now arguing that it shouldn't be assumed.🤔

No.
It's OK to call them Mrs if they're married and I know it.

If I know they aren't married, I would not call them Mrs.

And in this day and age, if I didn't know if a woman is married or not, I'd go for Miss.

If I know a woman's married, I personally don't see why calling her Mrs is a big deal.

Why is it a big deal to call someone Mrs if you don't know if they are married then? People do.

Well I certainly would not if I didn't know her marital status! Though thinking about it, I'd call her Ms not Miss.

This isn't complicated for me:
If a woman is married I'll go for the title Mrs in a social setting.
If she is not, I won't.
I wouldn't because I associate Mrs with marriage. Why's that unreasonable?

Most women who are married are Mrs.
If she says call me Ms, I guess I'd do so out of basic respect.

If her reasons are because of Patriarchy, I would think (though not say so unless I knew her well) it a bit silly as it can be argued that marriage itself is patriarchal!

This is just anonymous people airing their views.

OP has asked if she's being unreasonable for being annoyed and I think that as she's actually is married, she is.

@QuintadosMalvados Absolutely nothing about my marriage was, or is, patriarchal. We mostly married to give my husband in particular financial security. And before you ask why didn't we have a civil ceremony - this has also been explained.
What gives me "the power" in my marriage? And what power is it that you think I have?
What makes marriage patriarchal in your view?

Money. You earn more of it then he does. That's why there's a power imbalance here.
You've tried to make everything equal but not, in my opinion, the most important thing that matters to true equality in a marriage.
Roughly equal earning power.

You've not corrected me on the fact that you earn more than he does so I'm going to assume you do.

Money is inextricably linked with the patriarchy.
Women not having the right to vote, not owning property in their own right.

Your marriage seems happy now, I genuinely don't wish you marital unhappiness but if it does turn sour, you'll see how money comes to the fore soon enough.

I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out, but i hope that you are in a better place now. Be whatever you want, you can decide how people address you and whatever makes you feel secure and happy.

I’d just very politely explain if I were you, then they’ll know to ask next time. I’ve had it happen to me and they just hadn’t thought about it.

I will happily admit I am proud to be a Mrs, I am proud of my husband and at the age we married I didn't really think to do anything different.

If I was to remarry now I think I would be Mrs new surname and if I was to divorce ms maiden name.

Got to admit I never thought of the power in balance of having to refer to doctors teachers etc by Mrs green but they can call me Abigail I'll be going with Mrs yellow in meetings when introduced by their title going forward.

@QuintadosMalvados You do know that in the vast majority of heterosexual marriages the man is the higher earner?
I imagine you are fine with that - I would go even further to say you embraced that within your own marriage? Correct me if I am wrong. Who was the higher earner?
But because it is I, as a woman, who is the higher earner, you have an issue with it and feel there is a "power imbalance."
I find it remarkable you can't see how internalised and ingrained your misogny is!

I think it is ridiculous that when a woman is widowed she still should call herself Mrs His first name Surname.

She can call herself whatever she likes.
It's not up to you to decide

I know that. I won't engage more as I don't think you'll get my point.

Interesting thread.

Maybe try explaining it

You keep telling people that if they don't want to be called Mrs they shouldn't get married but my point is they will get called Mrs anyway by some people. What you personally do is irrelevant as you are not everyone.

@walrushurricane Absolutely this. It's like she's offended at the fact that I am married but yet very much a Ms! My guess is she'd still refer to me as Mrs X, even if I corrected her.

👏

Hmmm 20 years ago I'd have agreed with you. But I think the world has moved on since them. I understand your views, where they've come from and why you have them, and I don't think youre entirely unreasonable actually- just a little outdated.

I think that says more about the women (and you!) than it does about this poster 🤪

I don't care if you earn more than your dh, but as somebody who seems keen on absolute equality, it seems strange that the most important aspect has not been addressed.

That is that you earn the same.
Same level of power.
You surely appreciate the inextricable link between power, patriarchy and MONEY (?)

Of course I recognise that women earn less than men in marriages and I know how disastrous that can be.

This has nothing all to do with internalised misogyny.

It's to do with the fact that he or she who earns the more money is in charge.
So please stop any childish accusations of misogyny, it's irritating.
You've been accused of sounding like a ten-year-old before, take heed perhaps?

Why did you need to marry him so he could have financial security any way?

Could you not just share your earnings? Put money in a fund for him? Joint mortgage?

Or are you looking 'forward' in a sense to if you separate?

You've got this idea that I'm into Andrew Tate aggressive, peacocking, macho men.
You couldn't be more wrong.
(Actually, and I say this as a reference point only, my definition of an attractive man would be John Thaw as Inspector Morse.)

But I'll say this: I wouldn't want another adult to be dependent on me for anything.

And as somebody who is so absolutely thorough about equality I'm amazed that you do.

Wrong.
Once you've you've instructed me to call you Ms, that's what I would do from that point onwards.
This would apply to both professional and social settings.

What I'd think internally is a different matter of course.