To be annoyed at the assumption that I am a Mrs?

[Cheeseandolivesplease]

So I completed a update form at the dentist for myself and my daughter; the ones they routinely hand out. It didn't ask for my title, but I ticked the "married" box.
Next thing I know, my name pings up on the screen as Mrs .
Just no!!
At the end of my appointment I went to ask for it to be corrected, but AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption?
A bit like the thread today referring to the new prime minister's wife as Mrs Burnham. She is Ms van Heel.

Yeah so what?
I'm not responsible for the actions of others.
I've had flak for saying what others whom I know extremely well might do from other posters here, now I say what only I would do and still get flak for it.

If I don't know a woman's marital status I'll automatically call her Ms.
Always. Always. Always.

In my experience, or am I not allowed to have that? - women get far more offended if you call them Mrs if they are not married than they do if they are
married.

Could that possibly be that Mrs is kind of the traditional mode of address for a married woman in the UK I wonder.
Lemme think...

@QuintadosMalvados Just one last question then....and please be honest. Tell me who was earning more or less within your marriage? Or was it completely equal?
And I'm really not even going to bother explaining how marriage offers financial security. That's just obvious.
I shall leave you with probably one of your finest quotes: "He or she who earns the more money is in charge."
You do really adore the patriarchy.

Roughly equal. Why would I want it any other way?

This has got fuck all with adoring the patriarchy.

This is about the recognition that the person with the money is usually the one with the power.
Why do you insist on ignoring reality? Do you genuinely think a person without money has the same power as somebody with it? That's laughable.
Like a billionaire like Taylor Swift has less power than a homeless man. Lol.

No I really do wish you'd explain how marriage provides financial security.

Because I see that there is absolutely no reason why marriage is required to do the following:

Give your partner half your salary.
Surely you don't have to be married to do that?

Name them on the property as person who equally owns it.
Again no marriage required.

Nothing stopping two unmarried people sharing everything equally at all. Nothing.

What I think you mean is security in the event of divorce.

Not a good mindset to be going into a marriage, is it? Already thinking of divorce.

@QuintadosMalvados
I'm not sure I quite believe that considering your views but no way of knowing.
Put simply..
If you don't consider the possibility of divorce upon marriage then you are a fool. If you don't think marriage affords you any legal protections then you are also a fool.
I will leave this here as I can clearly see you are becoming agitated.

You keep saying that women shouldn't get married if they don't want to be called Mrs though. My point is that if they will get called Mrs regardless it won't make a difference. You don't normally get asked if you are married first. People just make assumptions. We shouldn't have different titles based on marriage in this day and age. There should be one default as there is for men.

Some might say that considering the prospect of divorce makes you more likely to divorce. That's just a theory.

You've totally dodged the question as to why you cannot share everything equally as an unmarried couple.

My point is that these protections only come into play IF you divorce.

Plenty of smart, highly educated couples choose not to marry. Are they idiots?
I wouldn't dream of calling the two university professors I know that have been happily unmarried for over 30 years idiots, that's for sure.

In a sense you and your dh have flipped traditional gender roles. I've no problem with that despite your insistence that I do.

All I'm saying is there does not seem to be as much equality in your marriage if you don't earn roughly the same.

I'm not agitated about it either.

All I know is that I once called an unmarried older lady Mrs and I recieved a dressing down for it, she told me that marriage was an outdated institution and she wanted no part of it.
Lesson learnt. I'll never do it again.

Not once has a married women told me off for calling her Mrs. Not once.

It's not my job to change society, either.

I'm not convinced of your examples. If you know people well enough to know whether they are married seems very outdated to be calling them Mrs rather than their first name in the first place. I wouldn't tell you off for calling me Mrs but that doesn't mean I like it. I think it outrageous that women aren't treated equally to men.

Not changing your title upon marriage is as bare minimum as it gets.

Women in the Middle East and Africa are subjected to unspeakable oppression and FGM. Where are the weekly protests or campaigning for these women.

Threads like these are performative.

If you choose to be. It's not compulsory.

I was a young girl at the time living at home. This was a long time ago. Thirty five years or so.
A couple with children had moved in next door. I'd seen them move in so I knew what they looked like.

My father had chatted to the man and he'd introduced himself as being David Jones (not real name obviously).
I think he must have referred to his partner as Julie in the conversation.

I saw his partner on the street and said hello Mrs Jones. They were not married.

I can't get bothered about being called Mrs when I'm actually married.
You do, fair enough, but I guess if it does bother you it's up to you to correct people.

I am not going to bother because I don't care.
I perhaps would care if I were not married.

I married and if the whole institution itself is considered to be patriarchal - which it reasonably can be- being called Mrs is waa-ay down the list of things to be bothered about by it.

After all, the OP's stance is that calling her 'Mrs' is confirming to the patriarchy.
Yet she still wears an engagement ring - which is most definitely a symbol of male ownership of the woman, no matter how much she tries to say it is not as he wears one.
The difference is of course that there is no such associations with men wearing them of female ownership.

I've really exhausted everything I have to say about this now.

Correct.

@RomaRoamer I still have every right to be a Ms MyName.
What are you doing to address the patriarchy?

So the reason you don't default to Mrs is because someone told you off for it when you were a child 35 years ago.😂 Do you not think things have moved on since then?

Of course you do. Just as women who choose Mrs have that same right. I’m not doing anything much to address the patriarchy the difference is I’m not claiming to.

@RomaRoamer Not engaging in weekly campaigning against Women in the Middle East and Africa being subjected to unspeakable oppression and FGM then?!!
I am addressing the patriarchy in so many ways; my name and title being just one of them.
You, by your very own admission, are not doing "anything much."

No I’m not doing that, though it’s something I’d like to get involved in. I used these examples because I never see feminists addressing these serious problems.

It’s easier to act like you’re making a difference from your sofa by using Ms.
1st world problems.

@RomaRoamer Perhaps avoiding the use of that offensive phrase would be a good start?

What offensive phrase?

You’ve said you are addressing the patriarchy in many ways yet you don’t talk about any of those ways for someone who’s so passionate about it. I’ve looked on other threads, they’re all about being an Ms and not a lot else. If you were actively involved in a feminist movement you’d surely have mentioned this at least once rather than focusing on the bare minimum?

Telling other women they’re holding up the patriarchy because they’ve chosen the Mrs title whilst doing little to challenge it yourself is not right.

@RomaRoamer You honestly can't identify the offensive phrase you used?
And of course I'm challenging it - I'm a married Ms for a start!
I also spend a considerable proportion of my time educating young people on the incorrect assumption (still held by many grown women as evidenced so clearly here) that one automatically becomes a Mrs upon marriage and also regarding the relevance of challenging the internalised misogyny of female honorifics within today's society.

Yes.
I can't imagine that we've gone the other way and women who are not married have in the intervening years reached the conclusion that they want to be known as 'Mrs', can you?

Now you're giving me some flak (OK very mild flak) for not calling a woman Mrs. 😁

Oh dear. You are certainly assertive and confident in yourself aren’t you?

Trying to address the patriarchy should not include debasing other women’s choices and opinions. You can express disagreement without insulting, demeaning and undermining their experiences, views and personal decisions.
Not everyone goes the same way about things in life. Surely part of facing down the patriarchy is to respect women and how they choose to navigate the world?

Some of your responses in this thread a very unbecoming for someone pretending to support women’s rights.

@Swiftie1878 I am a very confident and assertive woman - thank you for the compliment.
I don't agree that a married woman choosing to call themselves Mrs His/HerName (name change) and therefore defining herself by marital status is "facing down" the patriarchy at all.
Whilst I would of course address them by Mrs His/HerName should that be made evident to me that is how they wish to be addressed, it does not mean I have to agree with their decision.

You’ve missed my point. I’m not saying that calling yourself Mrs/Ms/Dr or whatever is facing down the patriarchy. I’m saying it’s a choice a woman has made and should be respected not denigrated. YOU are saying that if a woman calls herself Mrs it makes her a colluder of the patriarchy and a misogynist. This isn’t true, and it’s unfair of you to undermine other people’s choices just because they don’t align with yours.

So apart from the Ms / Mrs debate what is it that you're doing about the patriarchy?