Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

[Debatingthings]

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

Out of interest, how many woman would be ok with their husband saying they were going to be the one going part time or sah and they the female themselves working full time with overtime and missing out on the good part of being home with the children.

Luckily, there's no rule saying you can't both be part time. Ask me how I know! The DHs employer here may not allow it, he doesn't appear to have checked if 3 days is doable, but there are other jobs. And he's evidently fine with unsocial hours.

We did that, more than 35 years ago. May DH was the SAHP, then worked part time.

Exactly this in our household too

Perhaps sex will start to be charged, and numbers of showers. Food consumption counted. It’s pretty miserable way to live, if the relationship is reduced to this. I’d leave and find a balanced, respectful and equal partnership - because the reduction of family teamwork and unity would get me down too much.

Sorry that sounded really flippant of me.

What I'm asking is, what's the overtime vs your socializing time and is that more of a balance?

Sounds ideal.

My husband's pension is both of ours ultimately and I'd love my only stress to be housework and entertaining the children rather than huge professional responsibilities.

Friends of mine have begged to be SAHMs or drop hours but their husbands were attracted to professional women, suppose mine included

It all seems a bit petty tbh.

You say you let him have a lie in if he’s been working late at night. So you have to spend time with your child while he has a lie in, is that what you’re referring to? Why is that a bad thing?

Why does the money need to be split? Just leave it in the joint account until something needs paying for? If you want something for yourself, just speak to your husband about it if it’s a lot of money? Same for him?

What you really need to look at is your pension forecasts and equalise these.

You've proved my point. Pushing for 50/50 is a bad start. Just get on with your lives and if something bothers you discuss it but it'll never be even. You just need to accept it.

My food costs triple my husband's but he doesn't make me pay the premium every time. We're too caught up in our own lives to care about that kind of thing.

He does most of the driving and pays more towards the car. Probably unfair considering I'm the higher earner. Again, if he broached the subject with me it would be an adult conversation.

we don’t do his and her money - we share our resources as a family

it should be shared

my concern would be more that with all the unneeded overtime when do you actually have time as a couple.

You both facilitate the other to work a pattern that suits your needs. If this overtime is falling into the time where you are mainly at home in bed then you aren't missing out and you are being compensated by making 30% of that pay. Personally my husbands overtime is his own I've never felt a need to have a share of that and vice versa but we also both naturally tend to put it towards shared family activities anyway. Your way of splitting finances feels a bit tit for tat to me and wouldn't work for us.

You’re a team! 50/50!

I understand that he's working more paid hours in employment. However, your labour in the home and caring for your children is what enables him to not have to do those things. Your unpaid hours of labour in the home and caring for your children are what mean you don't spend money on a cleaner or a nanny or other paid childcare. You are also bringing in a wage.

Your household works because of this division of labour.

For him to keep and save the extra money he receives and is able to do because of your presence in the home and with the children is inequitable.

You don't have to have a full joint account if you don't want. Our 70/30 split when our children were younger and I was lower paid and part time was his giving 70% into the shared account and me putting in 30% into the shared account. All bills and shared expenditure came out of that account. We had similar amounts in private accounts with which to use as we wished.

Your working part time will impact your pension and pension savings.

I'm glad to see you mention that you have pretty equal social time as this is often an imbalance.

It's great that he's got a strong work ethic and it'll be great for your career longer term that you're still working while your children are young.

My sister and her husband use their bonuses or overtime specifically for their family holiday pot.

What's your husband planning to do with the extra money he brings in? Will it benefit your whole family, you as a couple?

Being married and being parents means being part of a team. Different people bring different things to the table but it starts getting very unfair and inequitable if he's using his overtime solely on his hobbies or passion projects. If he's able to go on fancy boys trips abroad while you stick closer to home to save money, if he's wearing designer gear and your trawling through primark and charity shops, if he's buying new golf clubs and gym memberships and guitars while you're buying second hand trainers from vinted and doing Park Runs because it's free and local - that's where your life gets smaller and his gets bigger and it starts feeling really imbalanced.

It sounds like you have a substantially higher earning capacity.

would he still think 70:30 to whoever earnt the extra of it was you earning more? Sounds like that’ll probably be you soon.

If he wants extra money for doing extra shifts he shouldn’t get out of caring for his children or looking after his house.

A tricky one. I think 70/30 is fine as long as you have enough generally? It's still extra money for you both - lucky it is extra and not swallowed up by bills etc. I've got a temporary promotion and working longer and harder at the mo for an extra £250 a month, but apart from a few things for myself, it'll go on holiday spends and other family expenses. If you feel you don;t have enough disposable income on a monthly basis, that's another matter and something to discuss.

Why wouldn’t you want an equal relationship?! You might want to just bumble through life hoping for the best, some of us are much more inclined to ensure things are fair, and remain fair.

I think you're pissed off because it sounds like everything has been split down the middle until now. And he wants that to change. It does sound like he gives a bit more value to paid work than being at home with the toddler. (I have to say, I stayed at home with 2DC and DH was the SAHM with the third- And caring for a toddler is, for me, a lot easier and more rewarding than going to work imo! And I have a job I love...)

Voluntarily, she said so herself.

Equal amount to each of you. He can’t earn it if you can’t look after the kids.
All money in one pot and equal amounts for personal spending.

If you go for 70/30 tell him he will have to do less of it then as you value his support parenting.

but in your shoes I’d say 50/50, or I won’t support the extra working hours or provide lay ins. I’m not the unpaid help.

Voluntarily? No one ‘volunteers’ to have their bodies wrecked by childbirth or their insides ripped inside out, or to spend nine months hunched over the loo. Dh hasn’t had to doca single thing beyond enjoy himself for the creation of his beloved children - he should be much more grateful for the voluntary and non voluntary sacrifices his wife has made for him and their family. There is no way I would put up with him quibbling over his ‘spends’!! He sounds incredibly selfish op. Jesus

of course we volunteer, my god we all know what pregnancy and childbirth entails and the vast majority of us make an informed decision. Stop making us sound like Matyrs. We have free choice.

This is a really good perspective, thanks