Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

[Debatingthings]

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

It is unlikely to be up to him to arrange his extra work so he can do bedtimes. His employer sets his overtime. And expects him to come in when they need him. Not when it suits putting children to bed routines.

This with bells on 👏

Over time is never guaranteed

He could work OT for years, then it could be cut to zero

I would save the OT (if you can afford it) or pay more into the company pension

This.

Marriage is supposed to be teamwork. A unified unit.

Sounds like a crap deal for you if you're doing all nursery drop offs/pick ups and everything in the house. He only does garden stuff? He doesn't need to do overtime but does whilst you do more looking after DC by yourself. Sounds like he's opted out of family life.

But it’s the husband that’s haggling surely by suggesting the 70/30 split.

With your job OP are you likely to earn more than him if you go full time in the future? If so then it could backfire on him going forward.

I would normally say 50:50. The only thing that’s making me reconsider is that you said you socialise more. Which you wouldn’t be able to do without him minding the DC.

So if you spend 2 nights a week going out & he chooses to spend his 2 nights working, then it does seem unfair to split the money equally. Maybe 70:30 would be fair but I couldn’t be counting it down to the last penny. More like if he does overtime you take an extra £50 and he takes £100 (depending on what he earns) anything over stays in the family pot.

I've been married twice. Both times without kids. The first marriage he wanted pay into our own accounts and then an equal amount paid into a joint account for mortgage and bills. It ended up just being awkward as he earned more than me and would suggest going for dinner, shopping etc. but then I'd say I didn't have the budget for it so he'd end up paying.

2nd marriage and it's much better. Money into the joint pot, equal split for personal spends, equal contributions into savings and investments, money in joint for when we're out doing things together/holidays etc. It feels as it should be, an equal partnership!

Does he love doing overtime so much that he never sees any benefit to it but you do, despite being asleep

That is bullshit - if op was not there he would have to PAY for someone to care for his child, wash his pants, cook his dinner. There is no such thing as FREE labour. Cleaners, nanny’s and chefs get paid to do everything op is doing in her free time. If they split up he would have to pay for all of these extras!

Its amazing how little value people attach to the immense work load - op squash this idea now or you will be squabbling over every last penny and it will sour your relationship.

I don't see why it's treated any different to the rest of his wages? So it goes in the joint account. But he presumably wants more 'fun' money out of it than you?
If you had overtime pay would you split it 50/50 with him?

I hope he is topping up your pension op, because you are also taking a career and pension hit.

We've always split stuff equally. If he really feels he should get more maybe 60/40.Or maybe you have an adult chat about whether you could do with a little less saving and a little more personal spend each.

Question is, does she socialize as much as he does overtime? In which case he may well be doing his own washing and childcare whilst she's on the sauce? At least his time results in a fiscal reward

Why does is need splitting? Are you not a family?

This is guesswork, and also there's more than one employer in the country.

If it's immaterial who does bedtimes since they're both the parents, that applies both ways. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

If it’s nights she and child are asleep in bed the same as all the other nights. I didn’t say my opinion would be popular.

When my DP gets overtime or a bonus that is his and doesn’t go into the bill account. It’s up to him what he does with it, sometimes a hobby item, a vehicle repair but also a new oven and a new fridge freezer so just depends what crops up. My DP has worked away most of our 20 plus year relationship so when he’s away all responsibilities are solely mine.

I know, I stated that I my op. I do still contribute 10% to my pension but it's 10% of a lower income

Do you actually discuss finances?

There are other ways of socialising, I'm not out getting pissed every night 😂

He's doing the extra work so he should be able to keep the money. You already have equal spends out of your normal jobs/ hours. It's not doing him a favour to put the kids to bed. They are your kids! If you had a side hustle would you want to hand over half your earnings to him?

They are their kids, not just hers. How would he manage to do the overtime if she wasn't there to but them to bed? So while it's not exactly doing him a favour, it is enabling him to do the overtime.

And yes, money from a side hustle should go in to the joint pot, just as money from any wages does. Then they can decide between them how much they take back out for personal spends, but in my opinion, it should be equal amounts.

I really don't understand married couples with families who operate without the 'one pot' mentality. You are team - you both work hard, be that at a paid job, or at home with the kids. All money should be shared, with equal access to personal spends. I really couldn't be bothered with who earns more, who works more at home etc, as long as both partners feel happy with the amount of effort made by each person. If you don't both feel happy with this, then it's not really about the money, but about being taken for granted by the other person.

We have always just paid into the one account, and spent from there. We set budgets, but don't allocate personal spends, as neither of us has expensive tastes, or takes the piss. If it happened that one of us was starting to spend a. great deal more than the other, then we might look at a set amount of personal spending, and I do understand why some couples to this, but we've never had to. Been married 30 years, still going strong.

Would he be able to do this overtime without you doing all the childcare? If the answer to that is no, it’s 50/50.

Yes... as stated many times, everything other than this one issue is pooled and we have equal personal spends. We have discussed this one issue a bit, and agreed to review once we know how much it is, I just wanted to know other people's thoughts on 'fair' in this specific situation

Yes I would, because to me, any money earnt is for our family. Before kids, I earnt more than him for a while, and we still had equal personal spending money then

This is factually incorrect, because if OP is doing bedtime she is by definition awake. Same when she gets up with the child in the morning after he's worked late.