Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

[Debatingthings]

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

I think this could be the crux of it

It doesn't sound like he does his share of the housework! How much of the cooking, cleaning and laundry do you get done during the two days you are minding the children? I find when I am minding my daughter I might get some housework done but not all of it and many of the jobs are every day - so you are cooking, doing laundry, hoovering, picking up clutter etc on the days that you work too. You should consider doing a task audit where you both write down all the things you do in the house for a week and an approximate amount of the time you spend on it - he may be surprised.

One other thing you should do if he thinks he is more deserving of the surplus pay is to cost all the things you do outside your 3 days work - how much would 2 days child care be, a cleaner, a cook etc... Maybe even suggest that since so much falls on you that some of the overtime should go towards a cleaner and one of those weekly meal boxes like Gousto or Hello Fresh. It sounds like you also have higher earning potential, so when you go back to 4 days a week will your surplus income be split 70:30 in your favour? Money should either be entirely joint or you should receive pay for all the extra work you carry out for the family.

Benefiting hugely from sacrificing career and pension?? Doing the lion share of home and childcare?

And OP can work part time because he works full time. They both facilitate each other to do what works best for their family. No one is doing the other a favour. It’s a partnership.

it should go into the joint and they up their disposables spends if needed.

No-one on here can say what is "fair", though, because it's subjective. If you can't communicate about this overtime, why he took it, and what the outcomes would be, then you have a communication problem.

IF he is spending his entire evening on the odd night op is out washing ops pants and cleaning the house top to bottom then of course he is effectively ‘owed’ a night off, and can take that evening off when he wishes.

You have just shown why anything other than 50/50 doesn’t work, as the result is endless nit picking over every little thing. It erodes away at the relationship and resentment really does build. Assuming both parents are working hard whether that’s inside or outside the home, because both are equally as valuable as each other, then the default should be 50/50 at all times.

I cant really fathom being a family and everything not being for the family.

Im not fussed how things are split as such, people can split up earning, cleaning, caring and cooking how they like.

but I couldnt imagine doing overtime at the expense of seeing my children and spending that just on myself not the greater good of the whole unit. Doesnt he want to spend a bit of time with them in the evenings.

So that also needs addressing you should be paid the equivalent of a full time job in terms of pension - as you are already at a huge disadvantage. Your work at home is costing in so many different ways, and this needs to be pointed out to him as well.

He sounds awful actually. You are a family working very hard, everything should be shared if you want an equal (and happy) relationship. I couldn’t be dealing with a man like this. Wanting everything on his terms. It’s very unfair.

I wouldn’t split the money from the overtime 50/50 or 70/30. I would look at our finances in aggregate and come up with a soft cap on the amount of monthly play money that you both have (which should be equal).

No need to have separate accounts. Keep an eye on bank statements and if one person is consistently spending above the agreed amount then have a chat about whether they should rein in their spending or whether the agreed cap should be increased. If either party if consistently spending less than the agreed cap then no problem, it just means you accumulate more savings as a family.

To the people who are implying or clearly stating that childcare is easier than work: the husband is a “workaholic” who wants to work five days a week. The OP works but factors in how partial nursery childcare and partial home are better for her and the kids. It’s an obvious 50/50 to me. Without her, the DH couldn’t work as much or catch up on sleep or have happy kids. He is not that sociable so doesn’t want to go out as much socially- therefore he doesn’t do it.

edited for typo

For most of us parenting properly, we go to work for a break!

I get a lunch hour and to wee in peace!

But surely 10 year of part-time work were a choice?

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, nothing seems to be stopping OP from working FT. I’d be seriously weirded out if a partner felt entitled by default to 50% of my overtime work, but I also appreciate every family’s arrangements are different.

Ok I just gave you my opinion. The OP is free to do whatever she thinks is best. I was a lone parent so my brain really cannot fathom there ever being another adult in the house that would do anything :))))

Put it all into a savings acct for holidays and things for mutual benefit

What? You would be ‘weirded’ out to be part of a family where you work together as a family unit and contribute in a million different ways to make it work for everyone - for the benefit of everyone. Maybe you have never had a spouse or a family 🤷‍♀️

@Debatingthings does your husband realise that you are enabling his working hours? what would it cost your husband to pay for an overnight nanny to feed and bathe his child and ensure it was safe while he worked?

I would tell him 50/50 or drop the (unneeded) extra hours.

And I agree with pps that this sort of pettyfogging over money is corrosive to relationships. It’s either 50/50 or you go back to work full time, share childcare costs equally - and you get to keep your own (higher) salary. See how he likes them apples

Yes exactly - it’s either 50/50 or the OT doesn’t happen. I wouldn’t want to be dumped with everything three times a week whilst dh goes out to earn money for his own treats and spends! No fucking chance.

I have. I would be weirded out about the entitlement of it. I’m not the only person here who finds this whole situation so transactional it borders on strange, we can disagree you know?

I am tired of women constantly being on the wrong side of these transactional relationships. It always benefits the men. You can disagree and be wrong at the same time. She has already sacrificed far more than he ever will.

Personally, I think some of that extra money should be going into a pension or retirement savings account for OP. She has cut her paid employment down to 3 days to facilitate HIS career. She is now covering his share at home above and beyond those 3 days to facilitate HIS career. She is now covering his share at home when he is 'recovering' from the extra hours (she is facilitating) that went to further HIS career. All this at the expense of her own career while having to do even more at home and with the DCs to boot.

Exactly. He’s the one being transactional by wanting to keep 70% of the overtime while being happy to do less than 50% of the childcare. And if the OP goes out that doesn’t count as him doing active childcare. What’s the betting the OP has done teatime, bath and bedtime and packed the book bag before going out so his ‘childcare’ is sitting at home doing whatever he wants.

Doesn't really occur to me to share any of my overtime. Its his earnings.

It's a choice to reduce hours. He can always go to 3 days and you can go and earn the overtime.

He's shown no indication of wanting to do that, to the extent that he hasn't checked if it's possible. You're a couple of steps ahead in your assumption.

Why wouldn't you share earnings with your family?