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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

264 replies

Debatingthings · 20/07/2026 21:29

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

OP posts:
Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 13:45

Corinthiana · 21/07/2026 10:31

No-one on here can say what is "fair", though, because it's subjective. If you can't communicate about this overtime, why he took it, and what the outcomes would be, then you have a communication problem.

Of course, but I find outside perspectives can help with self reflection

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2026 13:46

Nevermind31 · 20/07/2026 21:31

It goes into the shared pot? Otherwise charge him for childcare…

This.

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 13:47

SummerPeonies2026 · 21/07/2026 13:29

Voluntarily? No one ‘volunteers’ to have their bodies wrecked by childbirth or their insides ripped inside out, or to spend nine months hunched over the loo. Dh hasn’t had to doca single thing beyond enjoy himself for the creation of his beloved children - he should be much more grateful for the voluntary and non voluntary sacrifices his wife has made for him and their family. There is no way I would put up with him quibbling over his ‘spends’!! He sounds incredibly selfish op. Jesus

🤣 good grief

Corinthiana · 21/07/2026 13:48

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 13:45

Of course, but I find outside perspectives can help with self reflection

Yes, I can see that. I hope that it's helping you to consider your financial arrangements, and your family structure and maybe what changes need to be made.

Walkden · 21/07/2026 13:49

"She has already sacrificed far more than he ever will"

This is like saying a man "sacrificed" free time and money going to a football match.

She valued time with the kids more than work, ( present and future ) salary and pensions and said she could not go back full time after maternity.

SummerPeonies2026 · 21/07/2026 13:55

Walkden · 21/07/2026 13:49

"She has already sacrificed far more than he ever will"

This is like saying a man "sacrificed" free time and money going to a football match.

She valued time with the kids more than work, ( present and future ) salary and pensions and said she could not go back full time after maternity.

That is a ridiculous comparison I can’t even be bothered to reply.

Walkden · 21/07/2026 14:03

"That is a ridiculous comparison I can’t even be bothered to reply."

And yet you did anyway 😂

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 14:03

Ally886 · 21/07/2026 11:38

Sorry that sounded really flippant of me.

What I'm asking is, what's the overtime vs your socializing time and is that more of a balance?

It probably has worked out similar so far, it's only early days of this call out work so hard to say. I take an evening class and I'm in a club I attend monthly plus the odd other thing, then we both try and have certain nights for the gym. Will probably both see how it plays out over the next few weeks

OP posts:
malefields · 21/07/2026 14:04

SummerPeonies2026 · 21/07/2026 13:29

Voluntarily? No one ‘volunteers’ to have their bodies wrecked by childbirth or their insides ripped inside out, or to spend nine months hunched over the loo. Dh hasn’t had to doca single thing beyond enjoy himself for the creation of his beloved children - he should be much more grateful for the voluntary and non voluntary sacrifices his wife has made for him and their family. There is no way I would put up with him quibbling over his ‘spends’!! He sounds incredibly selfish op. Jesus

What on earth are you going on about? Childbirth? Wrecking her body? Who’s talking about childbirth? I meant OP volunteered to cut down her work hours because she enjoys having more time to parent.

Plenty of parents work FT as a couple. PT is often optional. You need to take several seats, I don’t know why you’re so worked up.

malefields · 21/07/2026 14:05

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 13:47

🤣 good grief

The dramatics! The tension! The horror!

Rachelshair · 21/07/2026 16:46

SummerPeonies2026 · 21/07/2026 10:09

That is bullshit - if op was not there he would have to PAY for someone to care for his child, wash his pants, cook his dinner. There is no such thing as FREE labour. Cleaners, nanny’s and chefs get paid to do everything op is doing in her free time. If they split up he would have to pay for all of these extras!

Its amazing how little value people attach to the immense work load - op squash this idea now or you will be squabbling over every last penny and it will sour your relationship.

Edited

He'd do his own childcare if they split up, as would she, or yes pay for a sitter. But they are not split up now, so that is irrelevant.
She said she goes out socialising more than him and presumably he does the childcare then. Why shouldn't he be allowed to use the OP to do childcare for his overtime?
I do think that married people (even men) should be able to have their own money though.

Viviennemary · 21/07/2026 16:50

I think he should keep it as he's earned it.

SooPanda · 21/07/2026 16:58

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:28

Yes, but then in the morning, he is asleep, and I am "working" looking after a toddler. Yes unpaid but still has value

Exactly this! Your time isn’t free.
As for “you’re asleep”.. If you worked the same hours as him or you weren’t able to be home at night with the kids he’d have to pay an overnight babysitter. Your “free” time is literally enabling him to earn that money.

Starzinsky · 21/07/2026 17:25

If I wanted more money I would work more. If generally his extra money benefits the family in the long term I would not be so transactional about. Not sure how sustainable that is in the long run.

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 17:35

SooPanda · 21/07/2026 16:58

Exactly this! Your time isn’t free.
As for “you’re asleep”.. If you worked the same hours as him or you weren’t able to be home at night with the kids he’d have to pay an overnight babysitter. Your “free” time is literally enabling him to earn that money.

I genuinely had no idea how many women saw looking after rheir own children as some form of chore till I joined this website.

Powerbungalow · 21/07/2026 17:36

ChiefCookandBottlewasher7 · 21/07/2026 09:00

This is so weird. I understand about laundry, cleaning, cooking, dusting being a chore and needed to be divided equally, but your time with the child? Seriously? If I were in your shoes, I would let him keep all the money, but let me have as much time with my dc as possible, bath time, pick ups, anything. In fact, I would give him my own spare money with a cunning plan - oh, go buy yourself a new rod and go out to try it - in such a way that he would not notice the real reason, it being my wanting all the time with my dc myself.
And the money? All his overtime money should go into a special pot for the dc, not on his 'hobbies', until every need of your dc is met, same goes for 'your hobby money'.

"but your time with the child?"

you never want time alone? without having to be the grown up and in charge?

Powerbungalow · 21/07/2026 17:42

didgeridid · 21/07/2026 09:23

I don't get why he is paying you a share of his over time?
Our finances are joint. We get pain in our own accounts, pay equalish amounts into our joint then I sort food, he sorts petrol and treat money. I used his card, he uses mine.
He gets paid more than me but I don't ask for his left over money to be split as it's the family pot

Because he is relying on her to look after THEIR dc while he goes and earns over time?

Either they are a team and share or not

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 19:22

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 17:35

I genuinely had no idea how many women saw looking after rheir own children as some form of chore till I joined this website.

I completely agree I'm amazed, it's shocking really. For me it's lovely to be able to spend time with them when I am not working. It's not a job looking after your own, it's a lifestyle choice and gift. I would love this, very lucky for those that are able, most aren't. Op I agree share money and you have best of both worlds.

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/07/2026 22:46

Walkden · 21/07/2026 13:49

"She has already sacrificed far more than he ever will"

This is like saying a man "sacrificed" free time and money going to a football match.

She valued time with the kids more than work, ( present and future ) salary and pensions and said she could not go back full time after maternity.

You can value and choose something and you’re still giving up other options. I love my kids but we have busy lives and I am a night owl and I burn out without getting some sleep ins. Doing dinner and bedtime solo means it’s at least 10pm by the time I’ve got them down and cleaned up and picked up a few things and can sit down. It’s not just about precious time with my children, it’s about getting any downtime at all in a busy life. There’s not that much that’s precious about trying to clear the table while shouting STOP winding up your sister to one and WHY have I asked you 4 times to shower and you’re still wandering around looking like you can’t find the shower, it’s basically bedtime already so that’s your reading time you’ve used! With 2 of us it’s so much easier. Loving my children doesn’t stop me being human.

SooPanda · 21/07/2026 22:53

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 17:35

I genuinely had no idea how many women saw looking after rheir own children as some form of chore till I joined this website.

It’s not a chore but someone has to do it, literally. If she couldn’t, he’d have to pay someone else. I can’t believe that people genuinely think women’s time is so worthless.
Capitalism thrives on the unpaid work of women.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/07/2026 22:58

I think 50% to him for discretionary spends and 50% into a joint savings pot would be reasonable.

ETA: if time spent on childcare or chores is an issue I think that's a separate thing and he should catch up on his 'share' on weekends or when he can... not pay you for it like you're staff!

SooPanda · 21/07/2026 22:59

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 19:22

I completely agree I'm amazed, it's shocking really. For me it's lovely to be able to spend time with them when I am not working. It's not a job looking after your own, it's a lifestyle choice and gift. I would love this, very lucky for those that are able, most aren't. Op I agree share money and you have best of both worlds.

I don’t understand your comment. You think staying home with kids is a gift but they should share the money- I agree that they should share the money equally because without her free labour he wouldn’t be able to make the extra money. Being with your kids can be a lovely thing to do but that doesn’t make it valueless or any less of a “job” because if you didn’t do it then someone else would be paid for it, so technically it is a job, and you’re still actively contributing to society and the economy by enabling your partner to work. It’s not that people resent looking after their own kids - you’re right it is lovely! But many people resent the idea that they’re not working or contributing to the family equally when they do so, which is unfair.
They should share the money equally because it was a team effort to earn it.

Timeforachange26 · 21/07/2026 23:07

Pinkflamingo10 · 20/07/2026 21:39

Surely all of his earnings- wages and overtime pay - goes into the family pot ?
he wouldn’t be able to earn this without you-he’d be paying large costs for unsociable hours childcare/nanny
unless its all going in the holiday fund or your child’s account ?

Without her he might not have the kids in the first place so would be free to do as much overtime as he wished without someone wanting a slice

Throwntothewolves · 21/07/2026 23:57

I think it should all go in one pot. The money split discussion indicates bigger issues in your marriage. Since it's causing this much hassle and resentment perhaps he should stop doing overtime.
You should both assess what your relationship issues are and take steps to resolve them. For a start, I'd suggest you work more, and he share the load more.

Franjipanl8r · 22/07/2026 00:01

malefields · 21/07/2026 10:44

But surely 10 year of part-time work were a choice?

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, nothing seems to be stopping OP from working FT. I’d be seriously weirded out if a partner felt entitled by default to 50% of my overtime work, but I also appreciate every family’s arrangements are different.

Parents stepping back from full time work isn’t a personal choice, it’s a family decision, exactly the same as if a parent quits work altogether to be SAHM. All families deal with different challenges and two full time working parents simply isn’t possible for some families (like mine) where children have additional needs.