Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

[Debatingthings]

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

So when does op get compensated for the extra childcare etc hours she does?

Well, yes, it is. You can choose to NEVER do your laundry. You're an autonomous adult. It depends what type of life you want to lead.

If you want clean clothes, you have to wash them.

If you have kids, you have to wash their clothes too and they might try and obstruct you from washing them.

You can choose to have clean clothes but only ever be responsible for your own clothes by not having kids.

You can choose for all of you to have dirty clothes.

Or you can accept that your choice to have kids means that you have more laundry and your preference for clean clothes means you have to do it, even when they obstruct you.

It is all choice. Accepting that you made a choice makes responsibility for said choice a whole lot easier.

Of course, op stated, 'I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this' so has made the choice to do this.

This is so weird. I understand about laundry, cleaning, cooking, dusting being a chore and needed to be divided equally, but your time with the child? Seriously? If I were in your shoes, I would let him keep all the money, but let me have as much time with my dc as possible, bath time, pick ups, anything. In fact, I would give him my own spare money with a cunning plan - oh, go buy yourself a new rod and go out to try it - in such a way that he would not notice the real reason, it being my wanting all the time with my dc myself.
And the money? All his overtime money should go into a special pot for the dc, not on his 'hobbies', until every need of your dc is met, same goes for 'your hobby money'.

My DH and I earned similar amounts. We both have pay paid into our own accounts and then transferred the same amount to the joint account to cover all bills and household spending. We both do private savings, investments and spending. We pay halfs for holidays. I tend to spend more on gifts for my family and he tends to spend more on gadgets and tools. Since retiring I get more than him now as I did better investments than he did. We still both pay a set amount into the joint account but that reduced after mortgage was paid off. We are both happy with this arrangement and never care what other one spends.

That's not his job, that's his share of responsibilities at home

50/50 of course

You are both working equally as hard in different ways. Otherwise you will have to start charging for housework and childcare!

I would find it very unattractive if my dh was negotiating like this!

As the mother of his children and the sacrifices made during pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding and the general hit to a women’s career, I would be incandescent if he was anything other than generous and appreciative of the enormous contributions made.

Tell him to stop being a dick.

Neither, it is family money

Split everything 50/50 otherwise resentment will kick in

I’m guessing the “spend little, save lots” mindset is driven by you given he does the overtime to “have more spends”.

50/50
You are exactly right - he can only do the overtime because you facilitate it by being the default parent.
If there is something he particularly wants to treat himself to with this extra money, then that is a different conversation, but generally I think he should be splitting fairly with you and putting extra cash towards the family he chose to have and not trying to gain some sort of financial advantage.

I don't get why he is paying you a share of his over time?
Our finances are joint. We get pain in our own accounts, pay equalish amounts into our joint then I sort food, he sorts petrol and treat money. I used his card, he uses mine.
He gets paid more than me but I don't ask for his left over money to be split as it's the family pot

Mine gave me nothing, said he wouldn't bother doing it if he had to give it to me. Despite the fact he would regularly do 10 -15 extra per week and never lifted a finger at home or helped with the kids. And told me I wasn't allowed to talk about a difficult day or the kids being hard work cos he didn't want to have to come home from work to listen to me moan.

Why didn't you discuss what the extra would be spent on before the overtime was agreed?

I'm thinking of increasing my hours, been chatting with DH a bit about how that would work and that the extra money would go into the holiday pot.

I will never understand people who are financially okay and still choose to work more and more rather than spending time with their loved ones (with or without kids).

Just ditch the overtime and do things together! Go for walks, play a board game, watch Netflix, be on your phones sending Memes to each other.
You won't be fighting about money and will be bonding. Win win 😀

Alrighty different take. My DH and I have had similar spends for years however my investments are doing better than his. That's due to the effort I put in to move money around to get the best return. That's my money for my hobbies, not his.

If I put that effort into working overtime id see it as the same. My reward for my extra work. I don't have to do it but I do it because of how it rewards me. Maybe OP's husband is going the same?

For everyone saying about having to have a joint account, we have never had a joint account or worked out a ‘fair split’ but between us balanced who pays the majority of the bills, childcare, holidays etc.
As long as you have enough money for your needs and are both happy about splits for holidays and leisure activities, clothes etc, then surely that’s fine. Unless he’s really being financially abusive?

He's doing the extra work so he should be able to keep the money. You already have equal spends out of your normal jobs/ hours. It's not doing him a favour to put the kids to bed. They are your kids! If you had a side hustle would you want to hand over half your earnings to him?

WTF. You have a kid together. There is no fair “split”. All money into a joint account equal personal spending. He can’t do the extra time unless you look after your kid. Otherwise suggest you get an evening job and he gets home on time to look after your kid.

He's not a single man. If he works, it doesn't just benefit him, it should benefit the family.
However, as I said upthread, communication doesn't sound great.

Oh sorry. I was genuinely puzzled. 😂

I can't add anything to the general debate, I'm afraid. We've always had a joint account and all money has gone in there and all of it has been regarded as "ours". We've never divvied it any part of it up into "mine" and "yours". It's worked for nearly half a century so far.
But, as others are saying, it's the division of labour that seems a problem, rather than the money.

It's not childcare It's parenting.

No wonder your husbands all leave yous.

What sort of a world do we live in when people are mulling over this sort of stuff in a marriage ?

They're his kids too, so by the same token he can arrange his extra work in a way that allows him to do bedtimes.

And yes, if he looks after the DC whilst she side hustles that should also be in the communal pot.

Some married couples seem to live like house mates.