AIBU to think stepson's holiday questions were tone deaf and unkind?

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Hi all, my husband and I have 2 children, both teenagers, my husband is French and he has 2 sons from his first marriage. His son’s mother is Italian and one of his sons dates someone else who is both French and Italian.
Today his son and gf visited, and they’ve really pissed me off.

We can’t afford to travel right now, we will spend a few weeks in France later in August staying with family but our children have only ever been to France and the UK (where we live).

Step son and his gf on the other hand have obviously been to Italy too, and travelled far and wide. They are just back from a week in Germany, they are going to Florence and Ischia soon and South America in the winter.

Step son asked today where were taking the kids on holiday and when I said well just to see family, he asked if they’d been to Italy I said no they’ve only been to France, he and his girlfriend continued listing countries to which I kept saying no like I said only France but then I’d get WHAT NOT EVEN SPAIN, in a shocked tone.
Our teen overheard this and has since asked why her brother travelled more when he was young than she has.
It has made me feel really crap tbh, AIBU thinking this was unnecessary, tone deaf and a bit cruel?
Should I get DH to say something?

Jesus Christ the judgement on here.

How can you derive that the husband was a terrible, neglectful father from such a small amount of information?! We have no idea of the details and nuances of other people’s lives, the same people judging here must be perfect citizens and people.
The stepson is a fully fledged adult and needs to get a grip. Plenty of people don’t have perfect relationships with parents and don’t behave like ignorant children.

Honestly, some of you need to get off the cross because somebody needs the wood 🙄

OP’s own words. “He had NO contact for a few years”.

It's a tactless, self-absorbed but fairly innocuous conversation. Presumably they don't know the ins and outs of your finances? Maybe they're assuming you're a boring old homebody, not that you're in financial difficulty.

You're clearly sensitive about it and that's why you're reacting this way. He's hit a nerve. Do you wish you'd travelled more with the children and are perhaps feeling resentful or like you missed out?

Take a deep breath, and let it go. You can't control what other people say or do, but you can control your reaction!

If it comes up again, try some classic one liners, like:

"Do I look like I'm made of money?"
"Money doesn't grow on trees, you know"
"That'll cost a king's ransom as a family" in response to travelling to Panama or wherever.
"Not even Timbuktu, mate" in response to "not even Spain?!"

But we don’t know why. That’s the point. It’s all assumption.

Do you have kids? What would make you have no contact with them for years?

I do.
How do we know the mother didn’t stop contact? There are plenty of parents who play stupid games with their children.
People are making huge leaps here based on their own values and beliefs.

Again, OP’s own words. He could’ve gotten a court order , but didn’t because that would’ve been inconvenient for his life plans. Plus the kids were already teens when they divorced, if not older teens in the continuing “few years”. Email and phone numbers exist.

Lots of adults boast about their holidays! In fact most do.

I think this ‘crime’ pales into insignificance against a father who ‘lost contact’ with his children because of a job for years during what sounds like their teenage years.

The teens in this household are going to France! That’s more than a lot of kids get. Their much older sibling has gone some on cool holiday and from the sounds of it was making a dig against OP but the kids overheard.

hardly the end of the world when stacked against an absent parent

Again, you know nothing of this persons life’s details.
All the OP said is he had no contact. You have absolutely no idea as to why this is the case, but instead of admitting that, and perhaps influenced by factors in your own life, you continue to believe that this person you don’t know is a total bastard because he clearly cut his kids out his life without reason. And you know this unequivocally, apparently, from one line. Perhaps the best assumption you can make is you don’t know the whole story so you shouldn’t presume.
You sound like an incredibly judgmental person.

The only factors in my life influencing me is having a child and there is nothing that would stop me being in contact with her, even less so for years. Even OP isn’t defending her husband as much as you are. Weird that.

No, i wouldn’t bother asking him to say something when he had nothing to say all the years he was no contact with his kids.

When OP was still engaging with her thread posters were asking why he lost contact, why he didn’t text, call, write, get on a plane for a weekend, OP said nothing. The golden opportunity to show he was a good dad who tried was right there.

'Why has another person travelled more than you have? Well, you should ask them. But usually it's because they have friends or family in other countries or they or their family have prioritised spending their money on travel rather than other hobbies. You've plenty of time to travel in your life.

Lots of people go backpacking across the world aged over 18. Many more people on earth have never ever left their country of birth in their entire lives!'

There is never a good reason to abandon your children.
But we do know some details. That he moved to a different country than his teenagers for a job opportunity, and that he didn't want to get the courts involved. There is nothing to imply that he wanted to see his children but their mum wouldn't let him.

Not worth pursuing, although it sounds irritating. They sound pretty socially immature so just rise above it.

Just showing off to the gf, as others have said, you should have nipped it in the bud.

Could have been a blood DB saying something similar, would you have felt the need to call your DH instead of dealing with it yourself?

Some siblings can annoy each other till the cows come home, or could have been directed at you and DH.

Meh this is just life not all kids same family get same opportunities a finances change

husband has a 23 year old with ex -they were young having him and didn’t travel as couldn’t afford

he has 2 & 5 year old with me

we
have way more money than. He did 20 years ago and so younger ones travelled way more

his older son has been invited in some trips but hasn’t really been able or didn’t want to join us for various reasons

my 5 year old went to Japan, Norway, New York, and inter railing trip all before she was 2

our 2 year old won’t get to do as much as we are more broke with nursery fees at the moment and having an extra plane fare

it can never be equal

While they’re sharing how they were here, there are everywhere, ask them if they’ve been to the Isle of Man (and seen a Manx cat). Or Rathlin to see the Golden Hares. Or the Western Isles to hear Gaelic and Highlands (maybe see a Scottish Wild cat in Cairngorms).

The world and its mother have traipsed across those other areas, but can you say you are well travelled if you haven’t experienced those places with associated fauna?

Why would you resent a young man who grew up without a father the enjoyment of travel? Yes he was tactless but many people are, especially those with no financial worries or no kids. It sounds like he has lost out on a lot in life, you need to see the bigger picture. Your DC sound like the lucky ones.

Their dad does have a track record of cutting contact with his teenage children. OP’s children are still in the danger zone. Hopefully they don’t experience what their older siblings did. Agree, let’s not begrudge the bloke a bit of bragging about a few holidays

I think you're overreacting.

I think deep down SS is a tiny bit jealous that your DH pissed off and got himself a shiny new family so was bragging a little bit to big himself up a bit. Rise above it.

He was not rude but was ignorant of your finances.
Tell it straight.
State that you can not afford to travel.
Be very happy for them and their wonderful experiences.

Suggest that your younger ones direct any questions about far away places to their older brother and tell them that hopefully they will see some of those places when they are earning their own money.

Don't be ashamed of being poor. You have a close and secure family life.

It sounds like your teenagers don't understand the concept either, if they had to ask you.

Yes he was tone deaf to say that, especially in front of your kids.

I'm not sure why you couldn't have set him straight at the time instead of posting all about his cultural background and recent holidays on here - what exactly was the point of all that?

Well why haven’t you taken them abroad to different places then? You say you “can’t afford to travel right now” but the kids are mid teens? It is a bit unusual to only have been been to France