AIBU to think stepson's holiday questions were tone deaf and unkind?

[Olink]

Hi all, my husband and I have 2 children, both teenagers, my husband is French and he has 2 sons from his first marriage. His son’s mother is Italian and one of his sons dates someone else who is both French and Italian.
Today his son and gf visited, and they’ve really pissed me off.

We can’t afford to travel right now, we will spend a few weeks in France later in August staying with family but our children have only ever been to France and the UK (where we live).

Step son and his gf on the other hand have obviously been to Italy too, and travelled far and wide. They are just back from a week in Germany, they are going to Florence and Ischia soon and South America in the winter.

Step son asked today where were taking the kids on holiday and when I said well just to see family, he asked if they’d been to Italy I said no they’ve only been to France, he and his girlfriend continued listing countries to which I kept saying no like I said only France but then I’d get WHAT NOT EVEN SPAIN, in a shocked tone.
Our teen overheard this and has since asked why her brother travelled more when he was young than she has.
It has made me feel really crap tbh, AIBU thinking this was unnecessary, tone deaf and a bit cruel?
Should I get DH to say something?

Can you fathom how difficult it would be to see your father who abandoned you raising two other children?

Let it go.

Yeah, seriously this.

How did you answer your teen? Maybe tricky when put on the spot but you could explain that we live on an island whereas ‘on the continent’ it’s easier, cheaper and more usual to travel to different countries. Even if the stepsons grew up in the UK presumably their mother had an influence on their travel experiences.

You could say every family is different, different priorities, spends money differently, and some people don’t go abroad until they’re adults. You could say that there are so many great places to explore in the UK and it can be more environmentally friendly.

It sounds like you have taken the stepson’s comments as a personal criticism? He and his partner do sound unaware of different attitudes to travel, holiday and budgets, but presumably they are quite young, are not parents etc. You can rise above it and also make sure your teen knows there are experiences she has had that her brothers might not have had.

Tell your 15 yo Daddy didn't love his sons enough to be in their lives and by the time SS was your age, Daddy already had a shining new family so he got to travel the world instead.

Surely it's obvious- the GPs and extended family are in France, so holidays are spent visiting them, funnily enough - in France!

You actually had children with a man who didnt have contact with his children for a few years because they lived in a different country?

1. Phones exist
2. Planes exist
3. He must have had money to pay for flights and accommodation to visit given he managed to find the money to have more children?!?

A duel French Italian plus British who lives on the continent has been to some places in Italy and France. Plus Germany, possibly Spain. There’s nothing out of the ordinary day in that. Because it’s so easy to get from one to the other.

It’s certainly nothing exotic. They probably have relations or friends to stay with.

Surely you do not begrudge your SS his travelling opportunities vis-a-vis your children since your SS was dumped by his dad in favour of a UK job, and your dc have something this poor ss never had - a live-in proper dad and a full family.

I imagine your step son would probably have swapped his holiday in Spain for having his father in his life.

As for your DC, you tell them the truth - they haven't travelled abroad much because you couldn't afford it.

I didn’t list everywhere they have been, but his gf has been to many places including North Africa, South America, Middle East, Russia, China, Japan, Australia, Mexico, Panama and step son has done many of these too.
So they are very well travelled, even compared to the average French or Italian 29 year old.

I fail to see the relevance of the GF ? Many wealthy people haven’t been to many of the places you listed there.

I’ve been to two on that list. And have zero interest in going to Russia, Australia or China!

Do you seriously begrudge your stepson and his gf their travels?

Wow. He chose a job opportunity and ‘keeping the peace’ over seeing his children? And you married and had kids with this man?

To how many of those places did his father take him?

I've just re-read your op @Olink and, assuming this thread is for real, it's mind boggling.

Should I get DH to say something?

I suspect there's quite a lot your DH should be saying to him, none of it regarding your stepson talking about being better travelled than his father's second family.

They must be very well off, theres not many 29 year olds that have the money to do all that travel by that age, and thats his girlfriend as well

Would your step son take his half siblings away on holiday to show them the world?

I dont get why some are saying get your husband to say something, you was there he was not, they was talking to you, you should have spoke up there and then.

You dont need a man to do the talking for you, you got a mouth of your own.
Its over and done with now but next time speak up.

how Old were the dc when he walked away, and how long before he saw them again? @Olink

Exactly This !!!

Oh, god, just oblivious 20-somethings excited with themselves.
You could just have laughed it off and said 'nope' and 'lucky you - how wonderful' when they talked of their travels.
And when your teen asked the answer is 'when you have a job and before you have kids to support you will be able to travel the world too - something to look forward to'

You will look insecure, pathetic and hostile if you ask your DH to 'have a word'.

Have confidence in the way you run your own family.

Sounds like he is picking at a scab - no doubt resentful at the lack of contact from his dad for years, so is behaving a bit childishly. ‘Dad left us to be with you and his new kids, but I still have a great life’.

I would let it go - your husband still has some fences to mend. It’s amazing his son is back in his life - focus on being grateful he is mature and forgiving. Not sure I would be so graceful if I were in your stepsons place

He stopped seeing the kids for a job opportunity. Just as bad though.

It’s perfectly normal, and cheap, to get from France to Italy or Spain. I’d say far cheaper than getting a train from London to Edinburgh.

Well Im clearly not talking about France, Italy and Spain am I. Theres a whole list of worldwide destinations OP has set out.

I think some of these replies are harsh - the choices the dh made are not her fault. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of what the dh did, it's shitty for a 29 year old man, to make teenagers feel
lije shit because they haven't travelled. I would expect more maturity and sensitivity - if the DS has an issue with his childhood, he needs to raise it with his dad!

I can see the logic of allowing the Italian mum to move back to Italy with the kids instead of everyone hi g forced to remain in France - the bitterness and resentment which would have ensued, would not have benefitted the children. He should have travelled to Italy to see them though.