AIBU to think stepson's holiday questions were tone deaf and unkind?

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Hi all, my husband and I have 2 children, both teenagers, my husband is French and he has 2 sons from his first marriage. His son’s mother is Italian and one of his sons dates someone else who is both French and Italian.
Today his son and gf visited, and they’ve really pissed me off.

We can’t afford to travel right now, we will spend a few weeks in France later in August staying with family but our children have only ever been to France and the UK (where we live).

Step son and his gf on the other hand have obviously been to Italy too, and travelled far and wide. They are just back from a week in Germany, they are going to Florence and Ischia soon and South America in the winter.

Step son asked today where were taking the kids on holiday and when I said well just to see family, he asked if they’d been to Italy I said no they’ve only been to France, he and his girlfriend continued listing countries to which I kept saying no like I said only France but then I’d get WHAT NOT EVEN SPAIN, in a shocked tone.
Our teen overheard this and has since asked why her brother travelled more when he was young than she has.
It has made me feel really crap tbh, AIBU thinking this was unnecessary, tone deaf and a bit cruel?
Should I get DH to say something?

Sounds like the older children lived on a continent connected to other countries by simple rail journeys etc ..that there was more money in the past, less children.

I don’t see what DSS did which was such a crime? Asking questions..to get to know each is normal, comparing experiences is normal

It's not blaming the OP for her DH's choices (or I'm not, anyway). It's her focus on this having made her feel bad with seemingly no thought given to the fact that he DC are growing up with a full time father and his first round of children had an absentee/NC one. It's not all that hard to get back and forth between the UK and Italy. His children being in a different country didn't need to = NC, so I suspect there's more to the story as far as the stepson is concerned.

Her original complaint was about the half brother aged 29 having been in 4 European countries. France and Italy. And hesxdual Franco Italian. Then Germany, and maybe Spain. France has a border with Germany, Italy and Spain. It’s hardly complicated, or exotic, or expensive to go from one to the other. As a person who lives on the continent, people drive/bus/train or even fly easily across those borders. Young people like the 29 year old will have friends or relations in some of those places to stay with. Some parents will have holiday homes that they go to. Or they kip on a friend’s couch/floor.

Honestly I don't get what the big deal is. Yeah it was a bit crass and judgemental but it also wasn't a massive deal.

Sounds like the only reason you feel strongly about it is because you feel guilty not being able to take your children elsewhere which sounds like a you problem 🤷‍♀️ my kids havnt been anywhere else and I'm fine with it. People always ask me and get surprised but I'm happy with not travelling. My daughter is nearly 10 and has travelled on a plane 3 times.🤷‍♀️

Agree with this, these sort of threads always go the same way, berating the OP for something someone else has done in the past.

She got with a man who didn’t bother to see his children for years and then when those children don’t behave as she wants, she moans she feels crap and thinks the adult kids need a talking to by the man who abandoned them. Lol. Why isn’t she looking at her husband as the root cause of the problem? Why choose to be with a man who had abandoned his children? Yes, people tend to be harsh about this stuff, especially when the kids get blamed, but the new partner seems oblivious to their partners probable part in the issues now being seen.

The OP is going to France soon for a few weeks. Which is peak season. Her kids are hardly missing out.

The issues are between the don and dad. I still don't see how that justifies a grown man making teenagers feel like shit. They are also innocent parties to the choices their dad made.
Maybe the dad has deep regrets, who knows? Still crass to make kids feel uncomfortable.

My first thought too.

Should you get DH to say something??

Hell no. He's not got any right to tell his SS what to do after abandoning them in favour of a job opportunity.

What should you tell your teen who's asked why her brother travelled more?

"Well, because he has a different mum who had to look after him alone because daddy didn't bother seeing him, but she did take him to different places. Which would you rather have? A dad who is still around or a dad who didn't give a shit?"

You can't be so narrow as to take offence at this v minor conversational tension when there's a whole load of crap your DH has created underlying it. As for SS, just let him have his minor moment of feeling a bit better. Just because he's 29 doesn't mean he's super balanced and magnanimous. You're not and you must be a fair bit older. Just tell your teen to save up and travel in future if she wishes.

He agreed he wasn't able to catch a plane to Italy?

I’d have lost patience and said, ‘I’ve told you where we’ve been, have you not understood?’ With a puzzled face.

Just realised he’s not a teen. In that case he was very tactless.

It would be a short conversation with me, I've never been out of the UK! ;-)

She's the one wanting the DH to have a word, which he has no right to do.

As for the person who said he might have deep regrets. Boo-effin-hoo. He created two families and is in the garden while they pick at each other's scabs. Not sure I'll save any pity for him.

It’s a weird idea that older and younger children should have had the same experiences…just by being older DSS will have experienced more.

Maybe he was trying to understand the lives his siblings had led? In normal circumstances he would have known about all their holidays because they would have been in contact. Who created the distance OP?

Your teenage children are old enough to be told the truth behind why they aren't as well travelled as their older brother.

Your step-son is 29 years old, he's had plenty of time to travel. He also had opportunities as a child, due to his Mum taking him to other countries. Your children haven't had the exact same opportunities, because your circumstances are different, to that of your husband and his first wife.

As for your step-son, I wouldn't be rising to the bait. It may have well been a dig at you and his Dad. You need to ignore the comment and be the bigger person. Asking your husband to speak to his son, means he knows he's gotten a rise from you, and he's likely to make further digs. You need to remain calm and indifferent.

Depends on your circumstances I think. Eg if one of your children is homeschooled or one of you is a carer for one of them, it wouldn’t be surprising to not be well travelled if a one income family. But even if not and 2 normal - good incomes, some people just aren’t as into holidays so each to their own and tactless to infer superiority over it.

Sounds like really all the travel is because of mum and then them being adults. So at least dh is consistent in not really taking his children anywhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU it sounds like a perfectly normal conversation comparing experiences.
Considering your DP abandoned them it's nice that they can try to get to know their half siblings now.

Your husband dumped his kids for a job.

This is where you stay out of the way. You didn't help raise him, you're not his stepmom, you're his father's wife. Oldest son might resent your husband, but they're good enough to come and visit their dad and their younger sibs to maintain some kind of relationship even though they might have very mixed feelings about him. So stay out of it.

You think your husband's son is tone deaf and unkind talking about traveling, 🙄. Your husband left his kids and went no contact for some years for money. That will never be forgotten.

Tell your teen the truth, you don't have the money to go elsewhere and Italy is a lot more central than the UK so easier to get all over.

After reading the background, it's your husband who's been tone deaf and unkind.

Just say nah, Italy is shit.

I think it is. It stank in Rome, I got constantly groped and did I mention it stank? Of bums and willies on buses especially

They have different lives and different expectations, just visiting other countries isn't the be all and end all of life.

I’d just ignore them.
I have never taken my children to the country of my birth, they have never been on a plane (until August!) and have only been out of the country once on a cruise, paid for by my brother in law to visit Sweden. Meanwhile I’ve been to Gibraltar, Portugal, Sweden, Belgium, Germany, France, Ireland, Italy, Norway, Prague, Hong Kong, Vietnam and most of these I have either lived there or been multiple times.
Doesn’t make a difference!!