AIBU to think stepson's holiday questions were tone deaf and unkind?

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Hi all, my husband and I have 2 children, both teenagers, my husband is French and he has 2 sons from his first marriage. His son’s mother is Italian and one of his sons dates someone else who is both French and Italian.
Today his son and gf visited, and they’ve really pissed me off.

We can’t afford to travel right now, we will spend a few weeks in France later in August staying with family but our children have only ever been to France and the UK (where we live).

Step son and his gf on the other hand have obviously been to Italy too, and travelled far and wide. They are just back from a week in Germany, they are going to Florence and Ischia soon and South America in the winter.

Step son asked today where were taking the kids on holiday and when I said well just to see family, he asked if they’d been to Italy I said no they’ve only been to France, he and his girlfriend continued listing countries to which I kept saying no like I said only France but then I’d get WHAT NOT EVEN SPAIN, in a shocked tone.
Our teen overheard this and has since asked why her brother travelled more when he was young than she has.
It has made me feel really crap tbh, AIBU thinking this was unnecessary, tone deaf and a bit cruel?
Should I get DH to say something?

Europeans tend not to realise how expensive it is to travel from the U.K. to Europe, especially during the school holidays.

If he’s young and comes from a middle-class European family he also won’t have any idea of the different ratio between average salaries and costs here.

It would be highly offensive if an English person had said this but it isn’t in a European context. These are cultural differences in action.

So he'd have no idea where you and your children would have or have not been, and just (clumsily) expressed this?

I can't see there's a major problem here. Are you sure you're not pissed off that your children haven't had quite the opportunities your husband's older ones have, and are taking it out on them instead of him? Maybe you're a bit embarrassed that, while he was raising your children, he was neglecting his others.

Oh, and if a dad who had dipped in and out of my life thought he could "say something" because my stepmother, who I hardly know, had taken offence at something I'd said, I'd tell him where to get off.

Maybe he was stirring the pot or maybe he is just a young man who has grown up in Europe and is used to travelling because if you live in mainland Europe it would be strange not. He probably has zero interest in your family and your travel plans and was just making polite conversation but you are sensitive about it.

A lot of people who travel frequently are very tone deaf regarding other people’s opportunities. I don’t think it’s even ill intended, just purely tone deaf.

My own DD has traveled extensively and I haven’t - recently she was appalled to realise I hadn’t been anywhere in 2 years. Nevermind that I’m a single parent and work FT so that I can give her the opportunity to go wherever she wants…………

DH and his first wife divorced, his wife wanted to move back to Italy with the children, he wanted to move to the uk for a job opportunity, it resulted in big arguments and eventually he agreed just for peace as any court order would have kept them both in France which neither of them wanted.

Thats a part explanation of what happened but doesn’t explain why your DH didn’t keep in touch with his children. Did he not phone them up? Text? Write letters? Go and visit them for a weekend? During the school holidays? Didn’t he invite them to stay with him in England? Why not?

The fact his 29 year old son has now spent time and money to come and see him play at being happy families with other children is quite something. How does the 29 year old feel about that? Has his dad asked him?

I wouldn’t be blaming the 29 year old here to be honest. He could easily walk away and delete his dad’s number and that would be that.

Yup. We have higher outgoings than we used to, so we've travelled less over the last couple of years than we have before. DS (14) just gets on with it.

I don't think they are either, I never said they were. What I am saying is that I think that's how she feels, because she generally takes them on holiday to France rather than to a variety of other places.

I'm not saying she should take them elsewhere. As I've already said, I've hardly taken my own children anywhere. My oldest is nearly ten and has only been on a plane three times.

My point is that the OP has reacted so strongly that she feels her stepson needs "a talking to." That makes me wonder if she's experiencing some mum guilt about not having taken her children to more places or on more holidays.

That's simply how I'm interpreting the post. I could be wrong, and I'm not claiming my interpretation is the correct one. I'm also not saying she's failing to provide enough for her children, in fact, I think she does a lot for them. I just think that such a strong reaction suggests she may not feel she's doing enough herself, even if that's not actually the case.

Teen says insensitive stuff…. Yes it was thoughtless….no it isn’t worth raising, except with your own dc to reassure them.

My ds is about to turn 22, & has a similar country count to your dss. He’s spent his gap year & a good chunk of his holidays during 3 years at uni travelling, volunteering, TESOLing & doing all manner of weird work to stay projects. All self funded by tutoring online in term time & festival catering jobs & similar in the vacations.

I would just tell your dc that yes indeed their half siblings have done all sorts of travelling, because they are adults, & isn’t it exciting that they too can look forward to exploring the world?

Unless your H is bankrolling his older ds & the gf, which frankly seems…unlikely…they are young adults funding & arranging their own travel. Good for them.

Also, your H is a dick. He was in the UK & his kids were in Italy? Come on. Wizzair do flights for less than a hundred quid. He could have had them over every school holiday & visited for the occasional weekend.

He is a nearly thirty year old man. He is well travelled - but that is what your twenties are for? I went to the states, Canada, Asia, Australia and just about every European city, I had a tiny mortgage, no kids and a good job.

your husband was a shit dad - let him boast about the good life he has built despite that.

I’m sure dss, if given the choice, would have preferred to have had his DF in his life rather than have had a few holidays…..seems like maybe his mother took him on lots of holidays to compensate for his father not being around. 🤷‍♀️

Back in the day many French people didn’t holiday outside France because, in their view, France had everything they needed; sea, mountains, nature so why would they go anywhere else?

Your DSS sounds as though he’s trying to score points and have a dig at you. Possibly jealous that your kids are the product of a stable marriage. Ignore him and move on.

I guess you can tell your teen son that he might not have traveled as much as his stepbrother but, on the other hand, unlike his stepbrother, he wasn't abandoned by this father.

So your DH couldn’t manage to make visits to see his older children in Italy or have any contact with them but managed to have two more children during this time.

So why are you allowing yourself to feel crap over an extreme example, even by your own admission?
They are well travelled, so what. Nothing to feel bad about.

My daughter has friends who are multimillionaires, absolutely no point me feeling bad that I haven't provided my kids with an almost unlimited trust fund.

You tell your teen that different people have different priorities. The SS/his mum prioritise holidays, your husband prioritised a job in the UK and a new family over his first kids. Funny how that works.

The teen overheard, the comments weren’t directed at them.

Like a previous poster said, frequent travellers often forget that not everyone is like them. They are simply tone deaf - they are not trying to cause offence. I can remember a similar situation when someone was incredulous that I hadn't been to Paris - 'everyone has been to Paris'. Well not me, it's on the list along with many other places. At the time our finances didn't allow for foreign travel and now they do.

That seems harsh when you consider his dad stopped contact with him for years.

Of course he is jealous. His dad had time for a new family but no time for him and his brother.

I could never have any respect for a man who dropped his kids like that.

let the 29 year let of some steam - people carry that kind of hurt for a lifetime

You can afford to travel, you just choose to travel to France.

I hope he paid money to ex wife even if he didn’t get to see his DC.

“The cost of living is a lot more expensive now than it was when SS was younger. His comments were a bit insensitive. We could go on more holidays but then you would have to give up x or y. When you’re 18 and have your own money you can see the world without me and your dad tagging along.”

I think they were just sharing their experiences. If you will be in France for several weeks perhaps you could hop over the borders and visit elsewhere too. My parents lived in Germany for a while and used to do similar.

Stepson sounds a bit of a dick.

That’s what I’d think, he’s a bit of a dick. Then tell your teenagers they have plenty of time to travel the world on their own coin when they’re older. Then move on.