AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Fucking hell. Just mind your own business. I think she's noticed her own weight.

I am the fat friend. Yes I know I am fat.
Weight loss is a very complex. It isn't solved by going for a few walks or doing a few exercise classes.
I was diagnosed with cancer in February and have had 12 cycles of chemo. Ive had diarrhea every single day and significant loss of appetite. Ive lost 6 pounds. Which Ive started to put back on with new medication.

I look at my skinny friends who drink alcohol and have regular take a ways, do very little exercuse and despair that Ive got cancer and still can't lose any significant weight.

She's fat, she knows.

@BauhausOfEliott got it spot on. "I get that your concern is genuine, but I think you need to understand that your desire to express and resolve your concern isn't more important than your friend's bodily autonomy or feelings." Perfectly put. 👏

Please don't say anything OP. Think how this will pan out. You say something that you believe will be 'kind', 'sensitive', 'understanding', 'helpful', 'caring' (delete were appropriate), but your friend will just hear 'you've put on so much weight that it was noticeable how uncomfortable you were at sports day and you need to do something about it'.

Honestly, do you really think saying something, no matter how kindly meant, will mean your friend suddenly decides to lose weight, just because you've said she's fat (in whatever, 'nice' way you try and do it)?! That she doesn't know already?! Trust me, she knows!

If you wish to maintain your friendship, keep schtum (and maybe lose the judgement). She knows full well if she is unhappy/unhealthy with her size/shape; she won't need a friend imparting their concerns on her.

In my experience, piling on weight is not a choice and is usually linked to emotional distress (whether or not the person is even aware).
I would absolutely not say anything at all about her weight. She herself needs to be in the right headspace to begin dealing with it, that’s not something you can force upon her no matter how kind your intentions.
However what you could do is enquire about other areas of her life, is there anywhere she’s struggling? Mental health? Others putting too much pressure on her etc.

Why oh why do people without a weight problem seem to live under the delusion that people who do are oblivious to it and it needs pointing out to them? It's so patronising. Excuse me friend I don't know if you've noticed but you have put on a bit of weight? Funnily enough yes I did notice my clothes don't fit any more and I can't touch my toes but I am so glad you pointed that out. If you hadn't I might not have realised. Now that you have, I will stop eating and start running. 🙄

If I was your friend and you messaged me like that I'd tell you to fuck off and mind your own business. You wouldn't be my friend much longer

Couldn't agree more. Who needs a patronising arsehole for a friend?
I'd be absolutely bloody furious.

Do you really think she doesn’t already know anything you could say?

Say nothing.

This desire to tell her says more about you then her. Pause and think - are you jealous of her? Is she wealthier than you? More educated? Her children performing better? Her marriage happier? Have a proper think and it will help you to get to the bottom of this strange desire.

I don't think your concerns don't seem genuine. You've clearly given thought to whether or not speaking to her about it is the right thing to do. And I don't necessarily see that as any different to noticing any sort of worrying change in a friend – reclusive behaviour, sadness/crying/anxiety, physical pain or discomfort. In any of those scenarios, it wouldn't be unreasonable to say 'hey, are you OK?' and let her know you are there to talk if she wants.

We can't ignore, however, that there is a shame and stigma around weight gain, and no matter how well-meaning you might like to come across, you absolutely cannot rule out the risk that she will be offended and hurt by you bringing it up.

When people have gained a significant amount of weight, and because of this innate shame and stigma, I think what people most want to feel is that their loved ones don't think of them any differently, that they still love them and feel attracted to them (in the case of a partner), and that their worth has not decreased.

For those reasons, I think the better approach is to treat her exactly the same as you always have – and that includes not mentioning her weight. She will undoubtedly be fully aware.

I voted YANBU but seem to be an outlier! Maybe a middle ground could be suggesting exercising together? I've taken up dancing in middle age and love it! Or you could suggest swimming, couch to 5k, hiking... Her comment about not being 20 anymore rings denial bells for me - a 50-year-old should be able to run a short distance without too much difficulty, barring relevant injuries.

I’m so sorry for your loss and your struggles @SapphireSteel28. And I agree, that’s no way to treat a friend, no matter how concerned you are for them - it’s fat shaming in the worst possible way without even a nod to what you were going through at the time.

I voted YABU OP because she didn't manage to finish the little school mum's race. If she didn't know she was very over weight and it was impacting her mobility before then she surely did after that.

I don't think you bringing it up is going to help her in anyway, it's not anything she doesn't already know. There's nothing you can do about this, it's her choice to make and hers alone. Just be there to support her if she decides she wants to lose weight.

Likely not denial at all – much more likely to be embarrassment deflection. She's hardly going to start announcing her weight issues in front of parents at sports day.

She knows how overweight she is and doesn't need you to tell her. I had a friend I hadn't seen face to face in a while and when I saw her I could have cried. She'd put on a lot of weight and totally let herself go, she looked like she was really struggling. I didn't say a word, not one comment. She eventually went on a healthy eating regime and lost all the excess weight, it wasn't easy but she persevered. She later told me that a "well meaning" friend had sat her down and told her how worried she was about her and that it wasn't normal that she'd let herself get into such a state. This person didn't know that my friend was in the early stages of losing weight and her words caused her to feel so low about herself that she nearly gave up and binged, she felt so ashamed and depressed that someone felt they had to give her a talking to. The only thing I ever said to my friend when she confided she was trying to be healthy and lose some weight, was words of encouragement. Do not say anything to your friend, it could have the opposite effect and make her feel even worse about herself.

feel what you feel but mind your business.

There is walking and then there is walking.

If you are concerned about her health maybe suggest meeting up in a park for a quick walk and a coffee. Keep the walk gentle and don’t lecture or drop hints on nutrition or exercise. She probably knows more about those topics than you.

You could over time introduce the idea of another low impact activity like Pilates. But your friend may be embarrassed to attend a class so maybe suggest you do it together and at home.

If she doesn’t want to do these things let it drop. Instead just encourage her to get out and about. This could lift her mood and confidence. It might not.

FFS !!

YABU

It’s not about weight. One of the fittest men I ever knew was severely over-weight. Fat people can be fit.

This man would have been classed as obese but could run fast and for long distances and was incredibly strong (he delivered bundles of newspapers every day and carried them around like toys when other men had to use barrows).

Edit: oops, replied to the wrong thread

Sure, could be, but perhaps not. People are often in denial about their own situation (just read a few threads on here!). I think a bit of gentle probing would be acceptable. Definitely a tricky topic to broach, of course!

It’s going to take more than a couple of walks round the park. Whatever exercise you do, you can’t outrun a bad diet. But walking round the park is an opportunity to talk. Some people just slide into poor food choices and some others eat because they’re unhappy.

Did you keep all that from close friends?
I'd try to meet up under circumstances that we could talk and throw in asking if everything is ok, how's general life going etc, while probably having bits to share myself. If she chooses not to say anything then don't revisit it again.

The only way it would be risk-free to discuss it would be if she initiates a conversation about it.

Otherwise, you risk upsetting her - it's as simple as that.

Do you want to take that risk?

I would not say anything in this instance .She knows and will/wont do something about it in due course .Just be there as a chum and dont say anything at all

She, the OP, the sage and wise guru will place a trembling hand on her friend's shoulder and gaze with great sincerity into her eyes.

"Listen, I don't know how to say this...I really want to help you darling. I promise this is coming from a place of love...Darling, do you - do you realise you're....fat?!"

"My God!" her friend will reply "That's why I'm out of breath all the time and knackered when I climb stairs! So that's why my clothes don't fit me anymore! It all suddenly makes sense! Thank God for you! Oh please, please, help me oh wise and skinny one! And thank you for your pity and interference, instead of just abandoning me! Tell me, oh do tell me what to do! Only you can save me!"

Don't be a twat OP, you're as transparent as glass. Leave the poor woman alone. As you already know, she already knows she's fat.

If she wants your interference, she'll ask for it.