AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Goodness gracious, if we care about our friends then we do something when we are worried for them (but yes, please decide whether you are being performative or not first though!) . Doing nothing and saying nothing wears the same face as not caring - so it’s essentially the same thing.

OP you sound lovely - your post doesn’t sound performative at all to me. If it’s someone you genuinely care about then do something. It doesn’t have to be the full on ‘you’ve got fat mate what’s going on’ - but you can create those moments when your friend might be more likely to open up to you and talk to you.
See if she is up for a walk, something routine that gets her moving (honestly, even a shopping session for a ‘special outfit’) - or something that gives her a chance to talk to you in confidence.
Just letting a buddy know we are there for them, by actually being there doing Normal stuff, can help her even if something is going on that she doesn’t want to talk about (or hasn’t processed enough herself to be able to talk about).

I don’t know why the ‘don’t even talk about it’ nonsense is normalized, that leads to superficial relationships that flake at the first hint of reality. But there is always the element of ‘am I doing this because I feel like I am better than X, or is it coming from a place of empathy…’ - it isn’t nice to feel that someone is using our vulnerable moment to get an ego boost… so do tread carefully.

Being overweight and being unfit are two different things but often people conflate the two (even though at times the two can go hand in hand) I have been very overweight even though I don't eat much (turns out I have way too much sodium in my diet) but I was relatively fit. I walked a lot and had quite a lot of energy but then I got very sick and lost over half my body weight and had to have open heart surgery to save my life. Now I weigh much less than what I used to but my fitness levels have dropped considerably. I can manage a 1-2 hour walk every few days but it leaves me exhausted. Maybe your friend has some things going on with her health that you're unaware of?

Unless you're friend is eating far more than she usually does there is most likely a reason why she has gained weigh such as menopause, thyroid issues etc. The best thing you can do for her is nothing but keep being her friend. The worst thing you can do for her is bring it up as she, may not want to talk about it. She is an adult just like you and is more than capable of bringing up any issues she may be having with her weight.

Sad and worried? Why?

She gained weight she clearly knows about since she will own a mirror and have to buy clothes for herself. She is entitled to weigh whatever she likes and if she wanted your input, she would ask for it.

Fgs. Don't. She knows already.

I think, if you are close, it’s okay to ask her if she’s struggling and is there anything you can do to help. Is she unhappy? Is she unwell? Is it perimenopause? That is, talk about causes, not symptoms. But if you aren’t close enough that you’d talk about those kinds of things, don’t talk about it at all.

YANBU to be “sad and worried”.

You would be unreasonable to say anything though. You will just make her feel worse and risk alienating her. It’s not your job to be responsible for her health just because you’re personally uncomfortable with her current size and level of fitness.

It would be worrying because alongside smoking and air pollution, it’s in the top five risk factors to health globally.

The OP isn't a GP. Big difference.

We are close. I don't think she's peri-menopause (we're 31). She seems happy enough mostly, married, nice house, decent job but obviously hard to know everything going on in someone's life.

The question you haven't answered is, what are you going to say? You've said what you're not going to say, but you haven't articulated how you're going to put this across and as a fat person, I can't imagine a way this would be put to me that wouldn't severely upset me, and make me distance myself from the person saying it.

Even if what you are going to say is, i'm worried about your health, she knows that absolutely no doubt she knows that her weight is affecting her health. So what response do you hope to gain from whatever you say? Do you think she thinks you havent noticed? Perhaps if you expand on your thoughts a bit more and see them through to a logical conclusion, you'll realise there's no way to do this

Of course I knew I was overweight, l’m not stupid. And clearly the concern of other people did help me because l received the support I needed to lose the weight.

You need to listen. Listen to her properly. Be non judgemental and don’t give advice. She will be aware. She will know what to do. It’s not a lack of awareness or information. What she needs from you is empathy and understanding about her and her life generally.

The relationship people have with food, weight and their body can be hugely complex as is the development of carrying extra weight. There is NO simple solution and there are no magic words that you can say that will change that complexity quickly.

just be a really good friend.

If you're close I think it's ok to ask if she's alright as she'd seemed to really struggle. Don't mention the weight, she might be ill.

No...say nothing. You'll only cause strain in the relationship. She knows, and she doesn't need you saying anything.

I would be worried that something awful had happened to her and she'd not told me. If she's always been slim and is now obese, has she had a health issue or a personal issue that's caused her to put weight on or overeat? I'd maybe make more of an effort to let her know I'm there for her. She already knows she's overweight though.

Do not say anything. Your friend knows.

A « friend » did this to me. My DH was dying young of pancreatic cancer, my DD had anorexia and my DF had heart failure. I put on a huge amount of weight as food was a comfort. She showed me a terrible photo of myself on a rare night out looking huge. I’ll never forget the shame I felt. I knew and didn’t need to be told.

I lost the weight and the friendship.

@emzybobz89 It's very easy to gradually gain weight over a number of years as you have described that she has. Overeating is much easier than deliberately undereating and women in particular can use food as a way of self soothing as it doesn't impact on anyone else in the way that drinking or other things can. There doesn't have to be some specific cause, other than the general stress and busyness of being a parent, working, other responsibilities etc etc. Then, unfortunately, once you are obese it becomes very much harder to lose the weight as your body does not want you to deliberately under eat for any length of time.

Not really. The sentiment is the same. Nothing to do with the actual weight. Nothing to do with her friends’ appearance, but concern about the effects of the weight gain on her health, having seen her struggling first hand.

If someone I thought of as a friend said something like that to me, then that would be the end of our friendship

😂

I honestly can’t understand why anyone would comment on another person’s fitness/weight/lifestyle or anything like that. She’s an adult, not a child. You’re (supposed to be!) her friend, not her parent.

I have friends who are fat, who smoke or drink too much, never exercise etc. Never in a million years would it occur to me to comment on such things out of ‘concern’. That’s not being a friend; it’s being controlling.

As a fat woman (clue’s in the name, right) I cannot express how baffled I’d be if my friends started talking to me about the global obesity crisis.

My friend’s approach has always been if you’re happy, you’re happy. If you’re not, how can we help. Which is exactly what I’d expect as a true friend.

I am currently losing weight, and my friends have been very supportive of my choice to do that, but they would have never encouraged it before, and when I told them I was happy in the big body I was in, they were gracious enough to be accepting of that. They’re similarly accepting of me now not being.

In your OP you sound really patronising. I have piled weight on in recent years and if any of my friends saw fit to talk to me about I would be livid and would cut them out of my life.

@ThreadGuardDog I wonder if you are aware that you are the exception rather than the rule. It's also great that you had other people who were able to offer meaningful support to enable you to lose the weight and to keep it off long term.

That’s what friends thought about me. I was being psychologically abused. Food is a comfort and a regulatory behaviour. I’d turn to sugar to regulate me after an upsetting or scary encounter. Nothing like it to settle your fight flight system. I never put on lots of weight and my BMI is within a healthy range but I’m a stone heavier than my normal weight.

Listen with empathy. No judgement. No attempts at solutions.