AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

OP I understand your sadness. It’s hard to see someone you care about so incapacitated. Is there any room to broach the subject of fitness rather than weight ? To say that you saw she was much less fit than she used to be at the race and would she like to start couch-to-5k or join a walking club or a class or similar? Is there any exercise you do that she could join ?

Exactly who needs friends like that! ☹️

It wasn’t “other people” though, it was your GP. That is much more of a wake up call than a friend telling you something you already know.

It’s worth noting that advice in losing weight or getting fit is usually sought from people who have lost weight or got fit. Peer support is usually sought from other overweight or unfit people or experts.

What’s your opener going to be? ‘Hey fatty, why you so fat?’

You think she wasn’t embarrassed at sports day? You think she doesn’t know she’s overweight? You think you should start to stop doing MORE things because of her embarrassing weight?

If You don’t want the chubby friend, then back off from the friendship or wait until she specifically asks you to help her lose weight. Which will never happen BTW.

Absolutely this. And in my humble opinion not talking about these things openly from a place of concern without fear of causing offence is what has led us to the epidemic of obesity we currently have in the UK.

Some people find juggling a family and work really hard, and often the first thing to fall off their list is self-care. It's not that they are not aware they are gaining weight / losing witness etc they just don't have the capacity to deal with it
On the outside, it may look like they have it all, but behind the scenes they are struggling.

She will likely really value you being a good listener and being up for having fun. And if she does start losing weight, please don't gush over her.

Whether it's humble or not, it's just plain wrong. A fear of causing offence is absolutely not one of the reasons behind the obesity epidemic. There are many reasons, but that is most definitely not one of them. You can easily find out more information about the causes though, if you're interested.

Fat people know they're fat. What are you going to say? "Eat less, move more"? "Are you aware that obesity increases the risk of various diseases"? "Don't know if you've heard, but there's a drug for that now"?

You have no information that she doesn't already have.

No, what has led to the obesity epidemic is oversupply of super calorific, nutritionally void food and sedentary lifestyles.

It’s NOT people being afraid to tell their friends and family a fact they’re already painfully aware of.

Of all places, sports day is the biggest held up mirror of all.

Do and say nothing. This might have been the turning point she needs and if she's lost a stone and a half by Christmas, she will have done it on her own.

She knows she's fat. Talking to her about it, no matter how kindly meant, will make her feel fucking awful.

I think you are right to ask a more general question about how she is , how she is coping with life because the weight may be part of a bigger picture of struggling

no of course not. Whay on earth do you think will happen if you ask her if she’s finding things difficult. Some light bulb go off in her head. That you can then tell her it’s her weighr, like she’s no idea as she blamed her age at rhe sports day.

no, say nothing. She’s married, if someone is to say something it’s her husband. Not you.

I don't see anything in the OPs post that she wants to tell her she's fat as other posters have suggested. Sounds like she's just concerned a d wants to check in to see if there is something her friend might need support with. There is a difference.

I do agree with others though that it's best to leave it and let her raise it if she wants to.

There is no way of saying anything about her weight without you sounding superior and judgmental. Maybe think about how you would feel if it was the other way round? If you’ve never had to worry about your weight you have no idea what she is thinking or feeling and you saying something could be crushing.

Ridiculous. OP has said nothing about her friends’ weight being embarrassing - that’s all you. Neither has she used the words ‘chubby’ or ‘fatty’ - both hurtful slurs, which you don’t seem to have any problem throwing about. OP is coming from a place of concern having seen her friend struggle. Sometimes it takes an event like that to bring it home that someone we love is in a difficult place, and it’s natural to want to help.

Another person who thinks people who are overweight don’t know they’re overweight. She knows she’s overweight and you mentioning it (a) won’t motivate her to do anything, and (b) will make her feel like shit.

I also suggest you carefully examine why you’re concerned, and whether that’s as altruistic as you seem to think it is.

She’s a grown woman and will only do something about this when she decides herself to do it.

Well clearly that’s not the case on MN is it ? The word here seems to be shut up and say nothing, lest you cause offence.

People my gran's and even mum's age actually could have done with this information. She says women weren't encouraged to do weights, and while I know there's a lot of luck involved, there's some truth in saying a lot of older women would be healthier now if they'd known that.
Likewise, when I was young in the nineties/noughties I don't remember a lot of advice about sleep being important, or how bad UPFs were for us, so in a case when you genuinely think a person might not know something, it's not shaming to say it.
Is it relevant to your friend though, OP?
I actually wish any of my friends had got me into things like yoga when I was young. If you feel you could help her by doing it, I don't see it's shaming. Some people are nervous of starting a gym class etc alone, and would like a friend to take them. Last point-some people do put on weight despite eating well etc, and could do with seeing a doctor, so again, if she has a thyroid issue etc, a friend who encourages her to get tested is helping, not patronising.

this nails it!

It was a wake up call, yes. But not because it was my GP. It was the realisation that although I knew I was overweight and needed to do something about it, other people were noticing. It brought it home harder because the words were nothing to do with my appearance or the weight itself, but the effects on my health, which were already beginning to make their presence felt. OP is concerned about her friend for much the same reasons after witnessing her friend struggling on sports day.

You sound rather patronising. No you shouldn't feel 'sad' about your friends weight. You should mibd your own business.

Come on.

If you’ve been a fat person you’ll know that we’re told all of the time.

By clothes sizing, by availability of fat person clothes, by judging looks when you’re melting in the summer, by people’s faces when you order something that isn’t a salad, and obviously by people who outright say it.

I don’t think anyone is shocked to one day learn they’re fat. We all have eyes, and mirrors, and judged lives.

I get it OP.
I’ve got a friend who’s overweight and she’s recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure and she’s also pre diabetic. I feel worried that I’m going to lose her I guess or that she’s not going to be able to be active or do as much fun stuff with me in the future because of her health. It’s got nothing to do with the way she looks or shaming, it’s because I love this friend.

It’s hard because you really want to say something in hope it’ll make them change but you can’t because it won’t lead to anything and might even make things worse .It’s a feeling of powerlessness.