AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Maybe if it was your mother and you had that sort of relationship, but telling a friend, who no doubt has more than just OP in her life, isn’t going to have the positive effect you think it will.

Thank you. It absolutely isnt faux-concern and I would never say anything as blunt as "you're fat" - or that it would make me feel better/superior as someone has weirdly says.

Its not a little bit of weight that we're talking about, it's genuinely worrying (whether people want to believe that or not)

She already knows. What do you hope to achieve?

She knows she's fat and unfit.

I read this at first thinking "this could be about me" until the sports day bit.

My weight gain was as a result of stopping very unhealthy yo-yo dieting and behaviours that were not good for my mental health.

I am in a much better place now. I've had people ask if I'm pregnant (yes, many people, fun fucking times) to which I'll say "no, I'm just fat". I do still walk daily, jog, lift weights, I eat a decent balanced diet low in upfs. I'm perimenopausal, short and chubby, this is what I'm blessed with. I've put on at least 3 stone in recent years and my kids are far too old for it to have anything to do with "baby weight", get lost, I was at my fittest after our youngest. I was at my thinnest as a teen surviving on cucumber and cereal bars, being congratulated on my body. Now it's a place for people to write concerned posts on mumsnet? FFS.

Your mate knows, maybe she cares, maybe she doesn't. Maybe you saying "hey hun I'm really worried about how fat and unfit you are" won't land super well either way.

"I'm not trying to be mean but..." "I'm not being judgemental but..." "I'm saying this because I care..." - it is mean and it is judgemental.

She knows she’s put on weight. She’s aware she’s struggling. It won’t help, don’t do it.

Yes. Very overweight, to the point where my GP intervened because she could see the start of severe weight related problems. If it hadn’t been for that intervention I probably wouldn’t have lost the weight and it would be a different story. I’m not advocating that such a brutal approach works for everyone, but given that we have an obesity epidemic in this country it seems counter productive to just let it happen for fear of causing offence.

Why would you think it would be appropriate to mention her weight! How rude! She knows how she looks/weighs!

I put on 4 stone after having my youngest. Actually I put on 3 stone during pregnancy and then another afterwards. Anyone mentioning that would have forever earned my ire!

I lost the weight when I wanted to. Got back to original size quite quickly once I decided to tackle it, but it took me 5 years to feel mentally prepared to lose the weight. When I was back to a size 8, I mentioned to a work friend in a jokey way that I’d jogged up the stairs and wasn’t out of breath. She replied “oh yes, me and T (our boss) were wondering when you’d lose the weight. He was worried something was wrong”. I can’t fucking believe they had been talking about how I looked, which was none of their fucking business 😠

So keep your opinions and pity to yourself.

I get that your concern is genuine, but I think you need to understand that your desire to express and resolve your concern isn't more important than your friend's bodily autonomy or feelings.

It's possible to be genuinely concerned while also being patronising and insensitive.

Your assumption is that your friend's body is your business simply because you happen to be concerned. It isn't. Your feelings of discomfort around your friend's weight still don't make it OK to poke your beak into something so incredibly personal to her as her own body.

It's really patronising that you assume she might need your help and input. She's a grown woman. She knows she has gained weight because she lives and moves in that body every day and she knows what clothes sizes she has to buy. She knows that there are things that she could do about it, too, because she's an adult and presumably not an idiot. But for whatever reason, she is either unable or unwilling or simply unbothered right now, and that is a decision she has every right to make.

You seem to think 'Hey friend, you seem a bit fat and wheezy' is going to come as a massive revelation to her. Why on earth do you imagine that? What makes you think you're special enough to be her saviour?

No. Just don’t say anything. You will shame her, whether you mean to or not.

How exactly do you think sharing your 'concerns' will help? Do you really believe she's unaware? All it will do is make her feel shit. That's why it's not actual concern about her because she'll be super aware and sensitive and you will do more harm than good. It might make you feel better at her expense though.

I think that’s very accurate. My large friend rarely mentions her weight (and I never would) but will say she’s not in the right head space at that time. I understand what she means and I’ve never been more than about 2 stone overweight, but I still need to be in the right head space to lose it.

@BauhausOfEliott you have worded what I was trying to say perfectly.

I'm going against the grain and think so many people need some tough love. i was one of those people.
I cant imagine getting offended by someone who cares about me being concerned, especially when they are right!

Don’t say anything. Every fat person knows they are fat, they don’t need to be told. If they decide to lose weight it will be their choice, it needs to be. When I was fat I knew it, someone pointing it out would have made me feel awful.

@ThreadGuardDog did you really need a GP to tell you that you were obese? Did it not occur to you to lose weight before they said? I doubt it.

People don’t struggle to lose weight because they don’t know they’re fat and unfit. Motivation isn’t the issue, it’s having the capacity to manage to diet for a long time successfully and being in an environment that helps rather than hinders that’s the issue for the vast majority of obese people.

Other peoples concern doesn’t help with any of that.

YANBU. I absolutely get you and I would’ve probably said something myself by now - for me it’s like telling a friend she’s overdoing the booze or not sleeping enough, or telling you husband you need him around for a long time and he should consider healthier ways…

However, reading the other replies makes me realise, in this time and place, weight gain has become too much of a taboo subject and it will cause damage to the friendship.

There is a colossal difference between a qualified medical professional intervening because she can see the start of severe health issues, and a friend intervening because she thinks you've got a bit porky and saw you struggle to run a race.

One is the informed professional opinion of someone for whom diagnosing and curing their patients' health issues is literally their job.

The other is an unqualified friend making assumptions without the full picture and having vague 'concerns'.

They are not the same thing. The former is appropriate. The latter isn't.

I’m sure she’s aware of her size and fitness levels. You shouldn’t say anything at all to her. If she decides she wants your help or advice she’ll ask you.

It sounds to me like you genuinely care for this friend and have genuine concerns for her health and I believe you created this post from a good place. But I agree with others that you shouldn't say anything. When you're fat you're so aware that you're fat and other people mentioning your fatness can make you feel anything from irritated to embarrassed to devastated to furious. But rarely a positive emotion. Just continue to be a kind friend and if she decides to open up to you about her health you can start a conversation there. But it should be initiated by her.

A GP is a bit different to a friend though. Would you have listened to a friend in the same way as your doctor?

Ask her to join you for a walk a few times a week if you want to encourage her

She wouldn’t have joined the race if she was aware of her fitness levels.

Yeah I didn't mean that it was faux concern in the OP's case though I may not have expressed that clearly. She might feel sad that her friend can't do something she used to do. She thinks she knows why (she can see she's fat). Still not her place to say it, just her place to love her friend. Current culture has convinced her it's OK to say it because it's fat and not something else that is the (apparent) cause.

You have had some odd responses on this thread. We are very sensitive about weight in this country and it does sound as if you only have your friends best interest at heart.
But I agree with others, no comment will be well received. I would maybe suggest a walk together. It’s not an unusual suggestion in this nice weather.If she brings up her weight or fitness herself you could ask if she is ok, but I would focus on feelings rather than size.

Not one single person who is over weight needs it pointed out

not one

you do sound pitying and judgemental

why not go up to people who are smoking or drinking and tell them they are not being healthy ?

IF she mentions it you can ofter to go to weight watchers for join a class together but one word outta your mouth and id never want to hang out with you again