AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

I just don't understand what you think commenting anything at all about her weight gain would achieve? As you've already acknowledged, she knows and will also be well aware that physically things are harder for her now too.

It won't benefit anyone. What exactly would be the point?

I understand that you care, but what do you expect to achieve from that conversation realistically? What jumped out from your OP is that the issue is really your feelings about your friend’s weight gain. You say you are struggling with it, you feel uncomfortable, it made you feel sad. For what it’s worth I think your friend is well aware and she made a joke to hide her embarrassment, dealing with it quite well.

I think you need to maybe explore why you feel this way and how to deal with that yourself. I don’t mean that glibly. I think the only positive from a conversation like that would be for you, in saying something you want to say. I don’t think it would help your friend at all though.

I disagree with the vote here. I strongly do. I think if there is a way to talk to your friend, you should take it. It's not about looks, it's about her health. And you care about her. Do it. Talk to her. Friends are supposed to 'give it to you straight'. That's the point of friends. Otherwise, what's the point?

And what exactly do you think OP is going to achieve her?

This! Do you really think she doesn’t already know? just mind your own business 🙄

Have you ever been overweight?

Why do you think 90% of nearly 2,000 people might have said don’t do it? Maybe they have some insight.

People can tell you you're overweight/fat until they're blue in the face it won't make one jot of difference, it has to come from the person themselves, there's usually a trigger involved (most of the time) such as seeing a photo of themselves or a Dr saying lose weight or you'll be dead in a year, so a friend telling them they're fat won't do anything, in fact she might just get arsey with you..

And you think it would be a good idea to say to her, are you finding things a bit hard physically ? A size 26 woman who you watched struggle on sports day?

a 26 is hugely concerning, but she didn’t wake up that size. It’s taken time, years likely,

but I’m not sure about what you’re posting. Very few size 26 women will attempt to run,or be surprised they can’t, at this size you struggle to walk any distances, your mobility is severely impacted. Your size 26 friend apparently succeeded and just had to drop out before the end.

so I’m not sure I beleive you.

As somebody who is fat and unfit we know. We absolutely know. We know we know we know.

We don’t need “well meaning” friends pointing out the obvious.

It’s like when people tell me I’m tall.

You could frame it like you noticed how breathless she was last week, is that usual for her, you know it’s been hot etc but was a bit concerned? No need to mention her weight, but a generalised health related supportive comment might be a way to let her know you are worried about her. If she bats it off, fine, she is an adult. Might be enough to open a conversation if that is something she wants to discuss further but I wouldn’t push the weight agenda at all, am sure she is more than aware of how weight can impact daily life.

I genuinely do not understand your intentions.

This is either rage bait or you think your friend is stupid.

Do you think she has no idea that she’s put on weight?

If she was a size 14 then it may be possible that she hasn’t realised how much weight she’s put on but at size 26 - a size that most shops don’t even stock - she’ll be more than aware.

She is unwell and she is struggling but if she wanted you to know more then she’d have told you by now.
Perhaps try and spend more time with her to be as better support for her.

26. Wow. That is incredibly dangerous! Please ignore people on this thread. Women on mumsnet are often cowardly and want a 'quiet life' so they won't say anything and encourage others to say nothing. Not realising that they are HURTING the people who they say they 'care' about when they won't intervene. They want to 'be nice'. But Size 26? That's scary. I know because I was once a size 20. And what I needed the most? Was my friend to be fucking straight with me. Instead of looking away. It's 2026 and you still have the cowardly meek women on this site advising you to 'say nothing', when now is exactly when you MOST need to say something. Ignore the cowardly 'quiet lifers' on here. Talk to your friend because unlike the wishywashy women on here, you actually care about your friend's health, and you don't want her to have a heart attack or stroke.

More often than not, straight talk is needed, which is something UK women don't seem to have grasped yet.

She’s knows

She doesn’t need you to say anything and anything you say will make her feel like shit.

It’s never ok.

Saving her friend's life? Is that not worth anything? If after her friend has a heart attack/stroke and dies, wtf do you think a 'be nice for quiet life' will mean then? Get real.

Do you go to the gym, or to exercise classes? If you don’t, you could always suggest to your friend a couple classes you’re interested in going to and asking if she fancies joining you? Then it’s a nice social class and if she enjoys it and wants to go again then great for her! Otherwise I wouldn’t say anything.

She’s a size 26, she’s unlikely to want to do gym classes.

if indeed she exists or is a size 26.

I'm amazed she jogged/trotted as far as she did at size 26! (if this is real)

The very last thing I would do is go to a gym class with my size 10 friend.

89% unreasonable??? What?! Flip it: if she had lost the same weight she gained and fainted because of being underweight / malnourished, would you even be on here or would you have said something already? Forget political correctness and help her!

How to address it... That's a tricky one. I'd be offering support. So to go with her to any activities (walking, running, cardio at the gym) and to work at her pace so she won't be alone. But weight gain is about food. So maybe you ask her if she needs emotional support with anything. Try to understand why she is overeating.

It's so sad seeing someone struggle with a basic walk uphill or a gentle jog. That isn't normal and it's a serious health (and personal safety) issue.

Christ, no. What good will come of it?
If you want to be a good friend, just hang out with her and make sure she knows how much you care

Apparently it would be “fuck all to do with you” if your friend fainted from being underweight and to suggest otherwise makes you a body-shaming rage-baiter

89% unreasonable??? What?! Flip it: if she had lost the same weight she gained and fainted because of being underweight / malnourished, would you even be on here or would you have said something already? Forget political correctness and help her!

Right on! I cannot believe (well I can, knowing what British/UK women are like) the cowardice for a 'quiet life' on here. It's an act of selfishness of itself, putting aside wanting to 'be nice' and a 'quiet life' ahead of being a good friend and doing what it's right. FFS, they need American women to come on here and give it straight! And OP's friend needs an intervention.

Instead why not try do you want to come for a walk or do you fancy coming to zumba wit me.
She doesn't need someone to point out what she already knows!

But she attemped to run in front of the whole school so maybe she's not the shy type. The gym I go to no one cares they really don't, everyone working out has their reasons or goals to be there, they just zone out with headphones on, no one looks at each other either, it's great.