AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Yes, you must be.

Infertility, historical abuse, autoimmune diseases, workload, finances, trauma, they can all affect physical health; you don’t know what’s going on and you have no need to know.

Well, I don’t think the Op suggested saying “I’m concerned you’re overweight and unfit” did she?

Anyway, as I said, I don’t think it’s necessary in this case, as what happened sounds like an eye opener. I started commenting because of all the “never ever ever say anything about weight” comments that I think are over the top.

People know when they’re overweight, so please don’t.

If you are genuinely concerned the only thing I would suggest is mention something along the lines of “I’m feeling so unfit lately, that sports race / walk to my work / running up and down the stairs at work / etc is killing me. I’m going to join a gym / go for an evening walk every day if you want to join me let me know”. And leave it there.

How do you know?

What was the context though?

People don’t randomly mention dress size without any context.

I’d never usually tell friends what size I bought, just “I got a lovely dress in M&S”. Someone would only say I bought size 12/14/16/18 or whatever within the context of moaning I’d put on weight or being pleased I’d lost weight/fitted into a smaller size.

@WhyCantISayFork I’d be interested to know how you’d raise it with a good friend, what would be your opening line and what would you want to get across in the conversation? Would you be offering some kind of practical support or would you want to be explaining to the friend where you think she can make changes to improve her health?

I think it’s very reasonable that lots of people with experience of obesity are saying that intervening in this way is nearly always unhelpful. Worse than unhelpful actually, damaging and hurtful. Hence people being what you perceive as over the top.

Fat people know they’re fat and don’t need anyone else telling them.

Comments probably reflect why it's such an issue now, in the past there was real support and people saying the hard things.

Now you get to live in your little bubble forever and never get challenged, and it is often far too late before you come close to thinking about getting help yourself.

in the past, personal comments were considered rude.

Absolutely not. I've lost a few stone over the last couple of years and it's had a positive effect on health in a specific way. I mentioned this to one of my friends and she said I'm so glad, I really was quite worried about your health at one point. She hadn't said anything at the time and I'm glad because I would not have taken it well .I knew I was fat, she knew I was fat, I knew, she knew I was I was fat. She knew, I knew, she knew, I knew I was fat etc etc. mentioning it would not have helped in any way shape or form even if you think you're being subtle.
In fact I would have found being some sort of accountability partner exceptionally patronising and would see through that in an instant. Why would somebody who's otherwise healthy and slim be asking me fitness advice and support?

Well like I already said, I have had this kind of “intervention” from family. It did hurt. But I didn’t fall out with them because I could see where their concern was coming from. Like the Op actually suggested, they asked if there was anything in my life making me unhappy.

After reading this thread and seeing that 90% of people would have cut the relationship dead, I’d be very reluctant to have a conversation like this with a friend and I haven’t advised the Op to do that, have I?

I’d be interested how preventably close to death’s door someone would have to be for you to say anything.

I tried to broach (very gently, very subtlety) the fact my friend’s dog was obese. The reaction to that taught me to never mention weight again about anybody or anything. The only exceptions I would make are my sons if they piled the weight on, but they’re naturally slim so I doubt I need to worry about that.

Please don't. This isn't a skirt tucked into knickers type situation. She will be totally aware that she's put on weight. It's up to her if she wants to discuss it with anyone, or do anything about it.

Yes, I was naturally slim until I put on weight! I think when you’re naturally slim, you can get lulled into a false understanding of your own metabolism - something changes (lifestyle, hormones, the ageing process etc) and it soon piles on without you eating any more than before.

yes you have reminded me of the rule. No personal comments unless its a really fast fix.

@WhyCantISayFork I was morbidly obese and I wasn’t at deaths door. Sure I was risking my health in many different ways and it would eventually cause me significant issues no doubt. But other than that I was doing everything for everyone in my life that they expected and needed me to do. Working, childcare, cleaning, life admin, visiting family, going to events etc etc. To say that I was at deaths door is unnecessary hyperbole. I wasn’t even actually unwell in myself, so my friends deciding that I needed an intervention would have been a massive overstep.

None of that means that it’s always wrong to speak to someone about concerns for their health. That’s also a bit of hyperbole.

Don't mention her weight as all fat people know they have a problem,but no harm in you doing a Zumba class or going to local gym and asking her if she would like to come with you. She can only say no thanks..

Do not do this.
You may lose a friend.
She is not blind.
She knows she is overweight.

Ok then

My personal experience of dealing with similar wasn’t appreciated. I got told they were fine, happy with the way they looked and I was being fat phobic

Id gone in from the health point of view. Everyone involved thought I’d be the best person to approach them as I’ve lost 9 stone (without glp’s) but nope I was being fat phonic

Trust me, she knows, but until she wants to deal with her weight issue there’s not much you can done☹️

‘know she's probably aware of her weight’ well yes , do you think she isn’t ? Do you think she needs you point it out? What ‘help’ could you possibly give ?!! For the love of god say nothing. Feel sad if you want to, but feel sad quietly , alone.

You don’t get to 9+ stone overweight without being acutely aware of it and the fact that it causes serious health problems.

You would also be aware that you can’t deal with it until you’re in the right mindset and have the determination that comes from within.

So you of all people should have known it wasn’t a good idea to say something.

I wouldn’t say anything because I don’t think it’s an appropriate topic for a friend. Somebody has to want to do it themselves to make a change. I would probably only broach the topic of weight if it was my husband or a VERY close family member and I was worried about their health.

Obviously she knows
Does she not have mirrors at home
You think she's going to thank you for your comments and lap up your concerns..so happy you felt able to mention this to her , because now she can start to lose the weight.
Your giving yourself more credit to influence her life than you have
If your a true friend,you love her regardless,and any mention of weight gain will make her feel shit .plus ..it's none of your business