AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Well, OP, based on the votes there’s a 90% chance your friend will think you’re horrible and fall out with you over it. I have been in the position of being told people were concerned about my weight and I wasn’t extremely happy about it, but I guess I’m in the minority in that I did see the concern above the affront. You’d be taking your chances though, by the sounds of it. And as I said before, the race must already have been a wake up call for her by what you’ve described.

She mentioned it recently about a dress she'd bought

Which is what I said isn’t it?

If she’s a size 26, she already can’t shop in high street or general shops.

I was a size 22 and trying to find clothes that fit at that size is very, very hard.

Trust me, she knows.

But its incredibly arrogant to assume you know exactly whats going on with the friends health, and assume that your comment would make any different.
I gained a lot of weight when I started taking a certain medication. Having a 'concerned' friend point that out to me would do absolutely nothing to change that, because its not something I could have helped anyway.

Feel those feelings of being rejected by these snarky comments and you’ll understand how your friend will feel if you let your judgement show …to a small degree …though none of us are supposed to love you “like a sister” …it hurts doesn’t it? Why do you think you have a need to hurt your friend?

This is all really about work you need to do..on yourself

I commented on a similar thread about a friend who confided in me that they overate as a defence mechanism from being sexually abused as a child.
One poster then lectured me about it not being a very healthy coping mechanism 🙄🙄🙄No kidding, thats why shes in therapy. But not many people know that, and if somebody who didnt know had told her she was putting on a bit of weight, that unwanted opinon isnt going to help her.

I cant believe some of the people on this forum. They really must have such a privileged and simplistic view of the world that everythings as simple as 'oh just eat less'

At one point in my late 20s I started gaining weight uncontrollably, no pregnancies or diet changes, it just started shooting up. It took a long while for the doctors to take it seriously, to be referred to the correct specialist, for me to understand it was a metabolic condition and not my lack of willpower that was causing me to become fatter each day.

During those years, I didn’t talk to friends about my frustration with the healthcare system, my worries I’d never feel confident again, my sadness at not fitting in clothes I loved anymore.

I would’ve been the type to join in the race and I was desperately hoping I’d still be able to be my normal self, all of a sudden, because I gained weight all of a sudden and it was so unfair.

I’m not saying she has an illness, it could well be a lack of willpower on her part, but it sounds patronising to say you’re fit because you walk a lot regularly. So did I, 10k and 15k steps each day. I ran. I dieted. None of it worked until we realised what exactly my body was producing. Stay out of it, unless she asks you to talk.

Pointing it out won't help. She knows. Her comment about not being 20 anymore is an attempt to brush it off with humour because she knows and didn't want anyone else making a comment. I can understand you are concerned for her health, if I was to say anything I'd maybe say you noticed she got a bit out of puff and that now you both are getting older you think it'd be a really good idea if you both got a bit more active together and went on walks, went swimming, the gym. See how she feels about that.

I didn’t say anything about making assumptions. Asking a friend about their <insert well known to be unhealthy behaviour> isn’t making any assumptions, and telling them you’re bothered about them isn’t arrogant. I’m sorry you had a bad experience with your medication, but I don’t know why you put “concerned” in inverted commas as if it wouldn’t be real concern.

Because it beggars belief that you think someone who has gone from a size 10 to a size 26 doesn’t know she’s overweight and needs you to say ‘Are you finding things hard physically lately?’ to give her an epiphany.

If this is friendship, what hope for enemies.

Being a size 26 is like you giving someone your own size a piggyback and then doing the race. You are going to struggle, naturally, when carrying so much more weight. So while she's unfit, she'd have to be a hell of a lot fitter then someone slim to run as fast, if that makes sense!

I would maybe arrange to meet her for walks or join a new exercise class together if you're concerned for her fitness, but her weight will be down to what she's eating and you can't really influence that.

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. Having been very big myself, I can assure you that she knows perfectly well how fat she is.

The fat is a symptom of something. Overeating to the point of morbid obesity is a form of self-harm. In my case, it was related to the stress and loneliness of being a parent carer to a disabled child with an utterly useless husband. If you care about your friend, support her with the root cause and help her to find the unmet emotional need(s) that she is anaesthetising with food. Do not address her weight. It is a symptom.

While I do get where you’re coming from here, and she must know that she’s overweight (and especially after the race where she seemed to not be able to cope as well as she had assumed she would) I actually wonder what the world is coming to when someone who cares deeply for us can’t oppose any self destructive behaviour ,while offering their love and support, without being labelled a judgemental bitch.

@WhyCantISayFork you can express your love and support. I wouldn’t call you a judgemental bitch. However I also think that doing so would be unhelpful and damaging to the friendship. So of course the OP can choose to express her concern for her friend’s wellbeing and I hope that if she does it doesn’t upset her friend and damage the friendship. Chances are it will. And of course even if she does manage to express her concern in a way that doesn’t cause upset, it won’t actually help her friend in any way. So that’s worth thinking about too.

I'm so confused 😂

She will know. No need for you to comment.

My point though is why would concern from a well meaning friend damage a friendship?

Drinking too much doesn't have the same social shame or stigma attached to it as weight gain.

I’m overweight and unfit and am perfectly aware of it (and not happy about the fact) but if my ‘friend’ decided to speak to me (kindly or otherwise) about it, I would be furious and potentially cut them off.
So, emphatically, do t say a thing!

@WhyCantISayFork because it’s raising a personal matter which the friend doesn’t want to raise herself, which doesn’t affect the OP at all, it’s intrusive and people can feel very vulnerable about comments regarding weight, size and appearance. It will also come across as patronising, as if the friend doesn’t know she’s obese and unfit.

So the OP says “I am concerned about your health because you are obese and unfit”…. Then what? You’re forcing the friend to talk about a personal matter that she herself hasn’t raised and therefore presumably doesn’t want to talk about. It’s awkward, it’s embarrassing verging on humiliating. If any of it is worded clumsily it could be very damaging.

I am currently 17 stone. I’m also anorexic. If anyone were to comment on my weight at the moment I’d stop eating. Not cut down, not go on a diet, not pills or injections, I would literally stop eating. Coffee and the odd shake to keep up vitamins etc. In my teens I went three years eating (salads) on a Sunday and a Wednesday.
DO NOT MENTION WEIGHT!

You need to seriously get over yourself. Judgemental arse. Concern. She is a competent adult and and can worry about herself. Or not. She has a mirror and she buys her clothes plus sees herself naked. Get a bloody grip. You’ve not seen something no one else including her ever has. She’s living her life her way.

Oh I must be living in a parallel dimension 😂

Something a little similar happened to me - but I didn't raise it first!

A close friend who lives 3 hours away and I hadn't seen in seven months and I attended a function together. It was breathtakingly obvious she had lost an enormous amount of weight.

She started the conversation saying 'you may have noticed I lost some weight'. All I said to her was ' are you okay?'. She talked and admitted she had anorexia.

So yeah she knew. My advice is don't bring it up first. Just be a good friend and message how she is doing like 'it was great to see you on Sports Day' and see if she is ready to tell you. Otherwise don't force it. She knows.