AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Not one person says use your words about something thays fuck all to do with you.

So you’re not allowed to be bothered about your best friend’s health? Would you honestly say the same thing if she was drinking to excess?

No, definitely do not bring it up.

She knows. By bringing it up you are implying she is too stupid to work this out herself.

If she wants to talk it through with you she will bring it up herself.

Who said you can’t be bothered by their health.

why do posters do that, it’s the most ridiculous thing. Don’t get the answer you like, get hysterical and think of the most extreme case and pretend you think thays what was written,

I don’t think I’m being hysterical? You said you can’t talk to someone about something that is “fuck all to do with you”. So OP’s concern about a close friend’s health could easily be compared to if she was drinking too much, which would be equally “fuck all to do with her” but she might have similar concerns.

I think it depends on how close you are.
I’m your friend. I know I’m fat. My best friend would never raise it but when I have raised wanting to do something about my fitness, she offers to come walking with me or start couch to 5k with me. She tries to encourage me but she doesn’t nag when I stop doing it. I found doing couch to 5k very difficult and hated every second I was doing it. Never completed it. I think if she’d have nagged me I would have withdrawn from her and ruined the friendship.
If you’re not extremely close, just don’t say anything. Believe me, she already knows.

I never said OP was concerned with her friend's appearance – health impacts or appearance aside, weight-related issues are a cause of social shame and stigma. Your GP is not part of your social life – your GP is there to be logical, unbiased, practical and objective in a way a social system isn't.

There is no eradicating the high risk of very hurt feelings here, so it 100% isn't worth doing this to a friendship.

Do you think you will be telling her something she doesn't know? She absolutely does not need to have this situation brought to her attention by you.

I wouldn’t say anything beyond how it affected me.

Alcohol changes personalities and behaviour. I would say if that was an issue. I wouldn’t leave my children around a drunk person, or spend time with them in their company.

But obesity isn’t personality changing, and it doesn’t present risk to anyone outside of the individual. It doesn’t present risk to me, or my family, so I would exercise some “minding my own.”

The two things aren’t comparable.

As a person who has struggled with my weight since being a teenager, I would be devastated if one of my friends ever had a word with me about my weight. It would seriously make me rethink my friendship with them, and I'd probably leave right after the conversation and go home and cry, probably for the rest of the day/week/month.

Overweight people know they're overweight, and they all have very different reasons why, some, like mine, are very personal and I've only ever told 2 people the whole reasoning behind it.

What size are we talking about here? Were you both an 8 and she’s gone up to a 14 or something?

But absolutely no - do not mention it as it will crush her and she’ll never forgive you. My grandfather once commented on my excess pounds at a young, impressionable age and I never forgave him for upsetting me so much.

I just think that if she wanted to discuss it with you, she would.

My friend put on a huge amount of weight over 4 or 5 years due to stresses in her life. She went from a size 8 to a size 20! It got her down and she did mention it to me and ask what I thought about WLI’s. I told her I had no idea about them but more than happy to deep dive and do some research for her if she wanted. I pulled loads of info from MN and other places and she started taking MJ via Boots. It has been brilliant for her and she is much happier as a result.

However, I would never, ever have been the one to raise it. It has to come from her.

Do you think she's not noticed or she assumed all of her clothes have shrunk in the wash and her bathroom scales broke?

So the only reason you could show concern would be a selfish reason? You can’t just care about an alcoholic’s health? You would only say something if their drinking affected you? That’s interesting.

We were both around a 10-12. She's a 26 now

You came to AIBU to ask the opinion of Mumsnetters, and people do that because they want the honest unvarnished opinion of others. That's the strength of MN in my view - posters will tell you straight and although at times it can be too direct, it is people telling you what very few in real life would tell you. The great thing is, it isn't personal.

And you think she's not aware of that?

I don't know what you think you'd achieve or how it would 'help' to bring up her weight. She has a mirror.

It's ridiculous to say you want to 'comment on her weight' without commenting on her weight. So you want to ask her if she's okay (with a head tilt) and make her guess what you're on about so you don't have to take responsibility for mentioning her weight? Disgusting.

How do you know she’s a 26? This would indicate that she’s discussed her size with you already.

The comparison to an alcoholic is interesting. In terms of health, excessive drinking is more immediately harmful than being obese, and has the potential to impact others in various ways many of which are also very harmful. It’s clear to me that a gradual or recent increase in drinking would be a much more urgent issue than someone who overeats. I find it interesting that some people equate them as having the same risk profile and that they warrant the same kind of response.

No no no no no no no.

@emzybobz89 - I am absolutely sure that your friend knows she has gained weight. I am also sure that you are a supportive and caring friend, so my advice would be that you wait for her to raise the subject, then let her know you are there to help and support her.

Raising it with her, however tactfully you do it, could be counterproductive - if it pushes her away from you, and she doesn’t feel able to ask you for help when she is ready.

My friends don’t care about my looks, in fact their friendship is beyond any judgement ..hair clothes make up, finances etc.. this is mutual…I don’t judge my friends or ask them to live to my wishes or prejudices.

Your friend has capacity to live her life as she pleases. Maybe you could dig deep about why this makes you feel uncomfortable?

I don’t think my body is anyone else’s responsibility.

I don’t think I’m responsible for anyone else’s either.

Our body, our choice - unless we’re getting fat?

Agreed.

I had trauma which I buried until something triggered the memories me in my mid 30s. I finished up on Clopimramine for 2 yrs and ballooned to over 15 st.

A concerned friend speaking to me would have distressed me.