AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

I don’t understand what you want to achieve. I have a friend who is similar but she knows - she’s had to buy size 20 clothes ads extenders for her bras. She is very aware she’s not the size 10 she was. I love her whatever her size so her hearing me comment would imply I’ve got an issue and change the dynamics of the friendship. She’s not going to think “oh friend is caring and kindly pointed out the thing I’m struggling with - what a help that is.”

This is a difficult one and my first response would be don't bring her weight up, but then I think what if it was the other way round and she'd lost a significant amount of weight and you were worried about an eating disorder then, do we still not say anything to those we love? Genuine question. I don't know the answer myself.

Agree. But I think commenting on someone’s weight out of concern, having seen for yourself the effect it’s having on their health, is different from commenting about how it changes their appearance. That’s what many posters are accusing OP of, despite her making it clear several times that that is not her concern. It seems that it’s better to just avoid the conversation and accept that the prospect of her friend potentially dropping dead of a catastrophic weight related health condition is a much better outcome than OP causing offence by expressing concern.

Oh my!
OP I think you are a concerned friend and maybe I've read it wrong but I for one didn't think you were commenting on her weight, but more her health. Of course she knows it herself but maybe she's struggling to have the motivation to do something about it or perhaps it's a medical issue - I don't know. I had an undiagnosed thyroid issue that led to weight gain.
I also have true friends (like you) who have suggested WE do something together, for both our benefits rather than always sitting drinking wine and eating pizza.
I *WOULD *say something, in exactly the way I think you are suggesting - by not mentioning her weight but by inviting her on one of your walks perhaps? FWIW I would value your friendship and concern for me. Sometimes we do have to have awkward chats with the ones we love.
Good luck and may your friendship be long and special!

Could be.

A comment about concern for health will land the same way as a comment about size.

Overweight people know that being overweight causes health issues, they’re not stupid.

She’ll only know if friend needs (or wants) support if a) friend tells her or b) OP asks her. So we’re back where we started.

What you are failing to understand OP is that no matter what you say, or how you say it, I can guarantee that what she hears is "you're fat". You seem more offended that anyone is inferring that it is an approach you would take rather than understanding how it will be taken and how the words, no matter how dressed up they may be, will hit.
Absolutely support your friend, if and when she asks for it. Raising the issue for her, thinking you are doing her a favour, is not advisable.

I suppose my question would be - then what? You tell your friend she is fat and you are worried for her- what is the desired outcome? Because it will probably be the end of the friendship. Especially if she is aware she found sports day difficult- it will sound like you are confirming she made a fool of herself.

OP isn’t commenting specifically on her friends’ weight though - it’s concern having seen for herself the way in which the weight is impacting her health. That’s a different conversation surely ? I’ve been overweight and have had ‘the conversation’ from my GP - concerns about weight gain and the obvious effects it was starting to have on my health. Of course I knew I was fat, but the conversation wasn’t about my appearance, it was about the impact of it on my body. It was a legitimate concern and I’m struggling to understand why it would be any more offensive coming from a concerned friend or family member, than from a health care professional.

Sorry can you clarify what makes you think the friend is thick not just fat and doesn’t understand that her reduction in physicality is due to her weight gain?

Nowhere has this poster even intimated that the friend is ‘thick’. But I think if what you’re saying is that the friend undoubtedly knows she is fat and unfit, that isn’t borne out by her entering the parents’ race. It indicates she had no real idea of how her weight had impacted her physical condition, otherwise she wouldn’t have entered. She would have known she would have struggled and been left embarrassed and making excuses.

I can see why your user name is anon for this. Telling the op to shut her fat trap and calling her conceited and sanctimonious , a conceited busybody, with no help to offer - it’s all purely just a nasty personal attack, and that’s just the most recent of many posts. I’m sorry you’re triggered by this - sudden guilt from realising how little your friends health and wellbeing bothers you? Do you aggressively bully in real
life or is it not anonymous enough face to face?

If you want to talk to her about her fitness, you can do that without mentioning her weight. But only if you are actually willing to help her if she needs it.
Don't just 'mention' something that she already knows to her. What would that achieve?

I mean it's the parents race. She probably entered because it's a joke race that's fun for your kids to see and she's a good sport. Or do you think it's just for top athletes? Good on her I say. I'm fat and I know I need to loose weight. It's tricky for various reasons at the moment. At the moment I'm just getting on with life without loads of angst about it.

I don’t think I could.

A similar thing happened in DH’s friendship group. One of them was always big but slowly piled the weight on over the years. He really did get very huge. A few of them sat down and said they were worried about him and his health and wanted to tell him but didn’t know how well it would be received. They left it until a few weeks later when one of them blurted it out.

He was glad as he said he knew he’d put on weight but not how much as once you’re big you stop noticing how big you are (he was over 30 stone by this point). He’s lost over 7 stone now and looks really well.

I remember at the time thinking that wouldn’t have been received the same way if I’d have said that to one of my friends. It’s easier for men to laugh things off. There’s no way she doesn’t know she’s big and as much as I would be worried about my friend I don’t think I could bring myself to do it not knowing how well it would be received. I would wait until she brought it up herself, if ever.

That's not the case at all. People reach out to their friends/family as their first step all the time. Reaching out herself if not the only way she'll know. She can wait to see if her friend brings it up herself.

Why do you feel the need to tell her what she is acutely aware of?
I’ve been really heavy before and trust me, it was all I could think about!

Fuck me that's a massive no.

For some reason on MN, this is how the reaction always goes to anyone suggesting they might gently enquire about someone’s health if they are overweight.

I’ve never seen the same one-sided landslide of opinions directed at someone that might mention they think their partner’s or their child’s alcohol consumption is dangerously unhealthy.

Tbf, this is the only reason I would think it’s not a good idea. Because this might have already served as a wake up call.

Funny how people on MN are all “use your words!” about anything and everything a poster says about their friends or family, until it’s about weight. Then for some reason, they absolutely always already know and don’t need to be told.

It’s none of my business if someone eats too much/too little, smokes, drinks to excess etc

It’s their life

@WhyCantISayFork that’s probably because they’re different things with different causes, different outcomes, different social pressures etc etc.

Because weight is a very different issue to not being able to say no to babysitting your next door neighbour’s kids or spending £2k on your sister’s hen do.

You can’t bring it up because she knows that she’s fat. How could she possibly not know? Often people can become fat when they have kids because they put themselves absolutely last.

can you see that nothing good can come from you saying you’re concerned? There is nothing you can do to help her, so mentioning it will only make her feel worse.

she might have laughed off the incident, but feel really bleak behind closed doors.

don’t say anything