AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Saying something to your family members wouldn’t change anything though.

Those people know they’re overweight. They know it is causing health issues or will in future.

If losing weight was as simple as someone pointing it out then obesity issues wouldn’t exist.

I think this is the point that some posters are missing. The OP will know. She doesn't need it pointed out. She will either act on it or not.

Everyone is saying she knows she is fat. But the fact that she voluntarily joined a public race that she surely must have known she could not finish, and could have embarrassed her kids, implies she does not actually understand the extent to which this is debilitating for her. Perhaps that will be a moment of realisation for her. I'd provide support if she raises that with you in the form of "how to get your head around living healthily if it doesn't come naturally to you" or "how to understand where you're going wrong" (which I don't think is easy for one second for overweight people - there are many ways to over consume calories, many hidden). But I wouldn't raise it until she flags that she's good and ready to talk about it.

Ok but that fact that she struggled to run and publicly acknowledged that fact means that she’s not in denial. Even if sports day was her lightbulb moment, she knows.

I doubt very much that she would have joined the parents race on sports day if she was truly aware of her size and fitness levels - she would have anticipated her embarrassment and avoided it like the plague.

Trying to invite her to sign up for a race with you or some kind of sport event with the excuse of doing something nice together could work. You could train for it together and that would help her. But absolutely DO NOT mention her weight/fitness is any way because as everyone here is saying: she knows about it.

I completely understand that people think it's not a good idea to bring it up but i am really amazed how many people have turned this into speculating that i'd just tell her she's "fat", or saying other kinds of nasty things to her about it. Believe me, it says more about your own character than mine. Not one time have I said anything that suggests i'm embarrassed by her or anything else like that. I love her like a sister.

I am concerned about her as a long-standing friend. I'm not pretending i'm some miracle worker or that I have the answers to everything, just that i'm her friend and i'm there to support her if she needs it. Thats all.

Maybe I'd be wrong to bring it up to her but I really do not understand why so many people on here have to be so nasty and snarky.

No. It won’t be helpful or well received.
She knows that she is overweight.

For this to make sense, it has to follow that a friend commenting on your weight is a known boost to motivation and/or realisation, however we know (with a fair amount of certainty) that it is not.

Yes – all well and good to justify OP's motivations, but not to justify actually saying something. You've heard from a plethora of people here who have been in a similar situation, on the end of the overweight person, and not one response has indicated that the conversation and been either useful or positive.

Oh, because that's Mumsnet, OP – it's a nasty old place no matter what your question is!

'if she needs it' is your key wording there. Let her allow you to let you know if she needs it.

I would assume you hit a nerve.

you have not with me, but as said, do not do this, as a friend you’d be enquiring on how she is anyway, asking the questions you wish to ask is insensitive and embarassing for her. I’m gobsmacked you think it’s ok to ask if things are physically harder for her now, if you can’t see the shaming and passive aggression in that then you are right to seek advice.

shes married, you know she’s finding it physically harder, you saw it. What good would asking her to confirm it do. If she wished to discuss it with you she would. She does not. Let it go, this is not your place.

If you've never been fat you may not understand how horrible it is to get comments at all. There is no way anyone could phrase anything well of have helped me. I have list all the weight now but if anyone had been 'helpful' it probably would have delayed my decision if anything as I'd have been so upset.

People on MN can be very sensitive to the idea of anyone telling anyone else they're overweight, even in cases where it's impacting their health and there might be an element of denial.

It's strange because if you were talking about a friend who had started smoking and struggled to run from being so out of breath posters would probably be fine with you bringing up your concern with her.

It's because, as someone who is chubby/fat, if a friend said "I'm concerned about your physical fitness and size because I love you" even without saying "you're fat and it scares me" that's exactly what I'd be reading between the lines.

You've come to mumsnet and asked how it would go down if you brought your concerns up and you've been told it'd go down like a cup of cold sick. I'm sure you are lovely and funny and bright and a good friend but if you want to have an intervention after a puffed out mums race where she appeared to be in good spirits and happy to join in I'd take a moment and think "ah yes, this is none of my business, she knows".

@emzybobz89 I think people are struggling to understand your motivation for wanting to comment on your friend’s weight, and unfortunately for a lot of overweight/obese people comments have been made to us out of a place of judgement and dislike rather than concern and caring. If you then add in that your concern isn’t actually going to help and that there is really no practical help you can offer… then people are looking for what else may be motivating you. Some of them may come to the wrong conclusion.

I got up to a size 18, bmi 32 and would have got out of breath running, if someone watched me, and then said are you finding things harder physically now, they would be lucky if I didn’t rip their ears off.

It's different because weight gain is specifically about their body, their physicality. If you smoke and someone suggests you stop, it's not a comment on your appearance.
So the weight issue is more tricky.

Maybe I'd be wrong to bring it up to her but I really do not understand why so many people on here have to be so nasty and snarky.

AIBU is brutal and it attracts its fair share of posters just looking to spread their nastiness - evidenced by the recent multiple deletions from one particular poster. I’d ask for the thread to be taken down, because there isn’t a chance in hell that more than a handful of posters will see it from your point of view. Currently you potentially have another 26 pages of this.

But issues of weight have so many more layers to them than smoking. So much of our self-worth is tied to our appearance and so much of our appearance is tied to our physical size. Smoking is something external to the self in a way that weight isn't. That's why people would have a more emotional reaction to being told 'you really need to lose 5 stone, Sophie' as opposed to 'you need to knock the fags on the head, Sophie'.

What exactly do you think telling someone who knows they are fat that they are fat will do? Have you a magic wand perchance?
They ALREADY KNOW they are fat.Why are some of you not grasping this?
Your interference will make absolutely no difference. None. Not one iota. That's the reason not to raise the subject.

I think if those around you have a certain lifestyle and/or weight then it becomes normalised (actually scientifically proven). This takes the urgency out of addressing it. It becomes an issue to be dealt with later. Our society is geared up to make us overweight. It is hard to fight those factors (stress, overwork, UPFs, attention economy, actual money).

Also, I don't want to say "oi fatso lose some of that lard" or "you do know that you are overweight and it is bad for your health?". I want to have discussions about nutrition, exercise, sleep and activities. Just like j do with my immediate family and my similarly-health interested friends. But I feel that this would be rude and sanctimonious for friends and family that are obsese. So, I don't.

Also, can I suggest that maybe some people don't know how to lose weight? The body's biochemistry is ridiculously complex and individualistic. If I tried to lose weight by low-fat eating or plant-based food, I would certainly be heavier by the end. Trial and error has given me ways that work for me. I also like to discuss, read around it and listen to podcasts for further education. The science of nutrition is developing almost daily once you start tuning into it.

The thing is, whether comments come from a place of judgment and disgust or a place of genuine concern it doesn’t matter.

Overweight people know they’re overweight.

you’re personally uncomfortable

This is the thing. Telling a friend about their blindingly obvious flaws and the well-known dangers of their behaviour doesn't help them. It helps you, the concerned friend.

After you've unburdened your sadness and worry for her, you may feel better. How does your worry help her? Does it have magical powers? Does your worry transform her into an under-eating exercise fiend?

Well, if it does, you should give up your day job. You could make a fortune by worrying about the obese half of the population! More likely, though, you've just dumped your negative feelings on your friend. You've made her responsible for how you feel. That's not a very kind thing to do, is it?

OP you could suggest a walk or a spar day if that's your thing but your friend would know she's overweight. I put on 6 stone and my friends said nothing bar one. She's my BFF of 37 years and she helped me give up drinking. In addition I had a medical condition treated with steroids and that changed me from tall and trim to 20+ stone. Could she have RA and started treatment?
Tred carefully, its really hard to lose weight. I find people don't know what to say when you do, some days it's quite funny they don't recognize me. Be supportive but unless you have a very close relationship you risk her walking from your friendship.

@emzybobz89 How does it feel if you consider inviting her to join you in taking up a new activity? There’s often new classes in September. You could choose something like gentle yoga, which isn’t about weight loss but more about stress relief, improving a sense of well-being, and functional mobility. Or something like painting which is completely unrelated to weight or fitness or health, but might reinforce your care towards he and potentially give both of you a nice thing to do together. If she is struggling with self esteem, mental wellbeing, or eats from boredom- it could also help her in an indirect way.

So does majority opinion mean nothing then?

Because 90% of over 1.5k people disagree with op she should take the post down rather than reflect on the hundreds of comments (v likely to be from people who are or have been overweight) telling her it’s a bad idea?