AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

It's a difficult one because the one taboo subject in life seems to be weight .
Smoking. alcohol, drugs- everyone is allowed an opinion on that but we must never discuss weight. I think it has contributed to this enormous health issue.

So no, I wouldn't mention it to a friend because we are in a situation where it is not socially acceptable to do so.
A family member, yes. But family are different.

Why do you feel it necessary to be so unpleasant ? This is a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion. I find it very strange that you’re using very childish terms such as ‘fat trap’. You may be better getting off this thread as you seem to find it triggering. Maybe go and do something constructive like ironing your school uniform ready for next term.

@emzybobz89 weight is incredibly complex for many many people and not anywhere near as simple as having a conversation. You have no clue what may be going on in her life and she may not tell you even if you are friends.

Love your friend, be a listening ear, spend time together and do NOT under any circumstances comment about her weight or have a sneaky conversation that will only make her feel worse because she will know what you are really trying to say. Leave her alone. Accept her as she is and cheer her on for any accomplishment she makes whether it be health or other areas of her life.

like she is not going to see through that

Good advice. Weight changes for various reasons. It's easy to judge, from the outside looking in.
Not always helpful.

She knows. It's her body, she knows It's a rule for a reason.

Leave well alone.

Pot, kettle, black.

If she would have asked the friend to join her anyway before the friend got fat, then asking her would be the normal thing to do.

Please don’t mention it. She is very aware of her weight gain. I say this as skin whose dh pointed out my weight gain. It didn’t matter how it was brought up, it hurt deeply

OP says her friend has gained the weight over a number of years - the weight itself doesn’t seem to have been a problem for OP until it got to the stage where she saw for herself that it was having an effect on her friends’ health. I don’t think there’s any pretence here about the health worries.

I am too thin. I know I am. I have a poor appetite and the slightest stress reduces it further - even just being busy.
I can't count the number of times people have commented. It is extremely aggravating and does not help at all. All it does is send me into a spiral and I'm googling the symptoms of anorexia and doing on line questionnaires to see if I have it. I don't apparently.
Those of us whose bodies don't fit into the perceived proper categories seem to be fair game for everyone's unwarranted attention and gossip.
Love your friend. Don't say anything.
Just maybe don't buy her chocolates :)

Yeah, right. I you find something better to engage your brain during the long school holidays - are you going to big school next year or are you still in primary ?

💐

Yes it is concerning but dont say anything.
Im the same as her.
I put on about 3 stone over the last 10 years.
I know this because I weigh myself and my old clothes wouldn't fit.
I know it's not healthy and I plan to lose it.........sometime, which in all honesty will probably be never.
I just love my food too much and I hate exercising

But why would anyone ask those questions unless their friend appeared to be ‘struggling’ or was ‘unhappy’ or ‘unwell’? The friend doesn’t seem to have indicated that she is suffering with any of these afflictions. Asking such questions, out of the blue and with no basis, would seem a bit strange.

If I was your friend, I would find it mortifying, distressing, patronising and humiliating if my friend pointed out my weight gain, which I would be well aware of thanks to living in my own body, even if this was dressed up as concern.

If I were you OP, I’d be turning my focus inwards. What feelings are really going on for you? It seems unlikely it’s just concern. Is it discomfort with the your friend’s weight or what she is doing to herself, in your view? Is it some internalised messages about weight from your own upbringing? Is it, if you are brutally honest, a slight feeling of superiority? I think our generation of women is so entrenched in complex attitudes around weight. Sometimes it’s worth looking at ourselves before making judgements (even if they feel rooted in kindness) about others.

What do you think it would achieve and how do you think that will come across? She could be struggling for all sorts of reasons you are not aware of.

All my life I have yo yo dieted so have gained and lost weight, I've had well meaning people tell me that I have put weight on and believe me its really hurtful to hear makes you feel like rubbish no matter how nicely its put, so please don't say anything she will be well aware.

I know it could be just this and no denial, but I'm sure you have known of people who are in denial about how bad things have gotten for them in whatever situation they are in. I have certainly observed it in others many times, and I have I'm sure done it myself without realising too. She may think that she is a little heavier than she used to be without fully grasping the stark change in a short space of time. It's hard to be objective about yourself.

I don’t understand what you would be hoping to achieve by bringing it up. If she was looking for support she would bring it up herself presumably. OP do not raise this with your friend and only offer support if she broaches it first. Otherwise you are likely to offend.

Could you do a jog/exercise class yourself and tell her how unfit you felt, you don’t want to go back on your own, thinking about trying some walking to get your stamina up first before trying again, could she join you as it’s so boring etc… it’s not about her weight, you are not making a big deal out of her fitness, but it gives her an opening to mention it as it has come up more naturally in conversation.
Maybe she would actually love to do something and get fitter/ have the motivation to get out but doesn’t know how to broach it with anyone. Then it’s her doing you the favour?

Or could it be that after witnessing her friend struggling at the sports day it’s dawned on OP that it’s having an effect on her health and she doesn't want to see someone she loves have a stroke or a heart attack, or some other catastrophic event because she was too scared of causing ‘offence’ to express concern ?