AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Is she “sad and worried”? Or did she feel she had to make comments about it because it was written all over your face how uncomfortable you felt watching her?

Just leave her alone. I mean, totally. She doesn’t need a friend like you, she needs someone who doesn’t judge.

I think the only thing you can do is try and do active healthy meet ups with her and others, and present it as something you really feel like doing. And by active I mean walks, unless she loves the idea of meeting for an evening swim at the pool.

The op says the op is sad and worried, not her friend.

Yes that magic wand she can wave will certainly do the trick. OP is just another ordinary, everyday sanctimonious and conceited busybody. She has no help to offer.

It’s likely she was struggling long before sports day.

I got to the point where I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred yards without pain, but I didn’t want help with that so there’d have been no value in providing it.

My sister actually did on a family trip in 2024. “I’m concerned that at your age (34 at the time) you can’t walk far at all without having to stop. Doesn’t that worry you?”

I told her, not very politely, that they weren’t her knees or hips, so to fuck off.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I'm the same, OP. Otherwise, what's a friendship for?

This clearly breaks all the taboos, as evident from this thread. But what's the point of a friendship that tiptoes around bullshit?

That is actually how being a friend works. Accepting people for who they are, being there if they ask for help, not projecting an air of superiority. That’s friendship. Pretending you are just worried about their health when in fact you just don’t like that they have gained weight, is not friendship.

This is straight out groundless and mean. Why wouldn’t the op worry about her friend? Don’t most people care about their friends? I have an old friend in perhaps similar health and I do think about it, in terms of concern about her health as we grows older, I don’t give a shit what she looks like. I know the factors making it hard for her to change although she’d like very much to be fitter and it’s difficult to fix them.

Yabvu. Do you think she doesn't know?

I think you can approach this but not via a ‘weight’ chat @emzybobz89! How about saying you’d like to get fitter and asking if she wants to do couch to 5k with you? Or you’d like to build muscle and would she like to go to strengthening classes together?…. There are other options to help her get healthier without suggesting a diet!!

You sound nice.

You don't.

It is quite frankly presumptuous and extremely irritating behaviour. Her friend being out of breath at a school sports day is not a reason for sadness. I would be sorely tempted to tell a friend to mind their own business. No doubt she knows she is unfit and over weight. How will someone else pointing this out change anything?

As a concerned friend you should be able to raise it. It is a legitimate concern, the way talking to someone about alcohol or drug addiction would be. However, as you can see from the many wildly over-defensive responses you have got here it is probably a no-go.

She can "worry" while keeping her fat trap shut. She has no help to offer and her interference has not been requested.

I’ve reported several of the responses from this poster because they’re just out and out personal attacks on OP and anyone who agrees with her. Unfortunately this kind of thread always brings out the keyboard warriors. Have the schools broken up yet 😂

People are giving the OP a hard time. I understand her. As I am getting older, I see many friends and family members getting larger.

There is an overweight/obseity problem in the family. I know that in the decades between 50 and 70 that they will have significant health problems cause by lifestyle. Weight is the reflection of lifestyle. While at a societal level overweight is considered unattractive, it is actually very damaging internally.

One family member is on heart pressure tablets at 50. They could replace the pub with exercise a couple of times a week. Swap the UPFs snacks for home cooked food. Small but important changes. Another one has had a life changing operation. Certainly made worse by poor lifestyle choices (and yes, very overweight).

I never say anything. I'm scared, uncomfortable and don't want to be accused of being superior. But I am watching them on a slow descent into a variety of noninfectious illnesses connected to lifestyle and aging. I hate myself for being such a coward, because I very much care for them and their children.

I realise how emotionally difficult being overweight is. But it is sad that it is considered to be a better friend to not mention rather coming from a place of concern.

Don’t people think that their friends are competent adults? If I thought my friend was overweight and unfit I’d think that as an adult, if it bothered them, they’d make changes. I would expect them to raise it themselves if they had issues with making those changes and they wanted to talk about it, either for sympathy or to problem solve. I wouldn’t assume that they were unaware and unable to make changes without my input.

Yes, I agree. I suspect that if this woman needs help and support she'll ask for it.

What for? Is she a magical fairy with a wand to fix everything? She can offer zero help and hasn't been asked to interfere.

The only person who gains from the interference of the OP is the conceited and sanctimonious OP.

She knows. She doesn't need you to tell her. What do you think you saying that you have noticed she has gained a lot of weight, lost fitness and mobility and are sad about the impact on her health will do? What would be so special about your words that they would do what living her life hasn't done and inspire a change?

Do you really think she doesn't know?! That alone is a massive insult! Do you honestly think she will respond with, 'oh gee thanks for telling me, i had absolutely no idea why my clothes dont fit anymore or why I'm struggling with really simple, day to day tasks that i previously found easy. Thank goodness you've pointed out the reason why I humiliated myself at sports day in front of my own children and every parent at school because I literally had absolutely no idea!' 🙄🙄

What exactly do you think telling someone who knows they are fat that they are fat will do? Have you a magic wand perchance?

They ALREADY KNOW they are fat.Why are some of you not grasping this?

Your interference will make absolutely no difference. None. Not one iota. That's the reason not to raise the subject.

You can do nothing about it and if they want your interference they will ask for it.

Absolutely this. Leave well alone.