AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

So, you want to ‘gently’ point out to her that she’s fat, and that you are worried as this will result in health issues. This must be on the basis she doesn’t realise she’s fat and thus at risk of health issues? Don’t be fucking daft. Of course she knows all of this. What do you really hope to achieve by pointing out something she already knows?

OP isn’t feeling sad about the weight gain itself, it’s about the knock on effect on her friends’ health. Is it really too much to believe that after witnessing someone they love struggle with weight related issues, someone would be genuinely concerned and want to help ? Looking at some of the comments on this thread that would appear to be the case, because every single time an OP posts similar the words ‘faux concern’ appear and they’re torn to shreds. It’s batshit.

I just can’t understand why you think pointing out her weight gain would be a good idea at all?

What good would it do? Is it because you want to know why she has gained weight?

She knows she has gained weight and she obviously doesn’t want to discuss it with you. It could be for any number of reasons and she probably knows those reasons (medications, thyroid, ED, depression or something else) and it’s none of your business.

You can't save anyone, but you can do alot of damage in trying.

How about OP has seen her friend struggle at the sports day and wants to gently point out that the weight gain may be having an effect, and ask does her friend need any support ?

I completely understand your concern OP and have a similar situation with a good friend. The concern for a loved one's health is valid. If you like walking maybe suggest meeting for a walk in the park or a local pretty place to make the most of the summer?

So you think if you tell her it's some kind of revelation that she didn't already know and is going to change her life? 🙄

Your friend has been sharply reminded that she is out of condition. Pointing out the Bleeding Obvious would be unnecessary and unkind.

What do you think it would achieve? Do you have a magic wand to wave and improve her fitness?

Because whatever you have in mind I can guarantee you she is aware of her weight and nothing you say is going to make a bit of difference.

Even if you suggest doing things together that might not work - I hate the gym and I hate exercising with other people. I did go for regular walks with friends because they asked and I’m polite but I hated every single damn second. Because my brain just doesn’t work in a competitive or joint accountability way.

So what do you think you can offer that is new and will work?

If she doesn’t like walking, she may well say no thanks.

Which I have done, many times before, rather than lug myself round a park with a friend who would be running round it if I wasn't there.

You unfortunately can’t just force activity on people.

@ThreadGuardDog what kind of support could the OP offer her friend that would make a genuine difference to her situation and enable her to lose weight?

ETA quote

Don’t unless she brings it up to you. There isn’t a good way unfortunately. Maybe invite her out for coffee walks and catch up walks while the weather is nice.

if you do a low impact class she would like, invite her to that.

What? You’re saying the obesity epidemic is caused by people being afraid to say anything- it’s not, at all.

She knows. You’re just a friend so I’d ignore.

No, they tend to be criticised if there is body shaming or unreasonable suggestions about possible eating disorders. In which case, the OP is rightly challenged.
In this case, it does actually seem to be out of genuine concern for health, rather than just being nasty about another woman's appearance. Which does happen on here. Unfortunately.

That’s not how being friends works
that’s being an acquaintance

I understand why it's stayed with you. I have a family member who gained an unhealthy amount of weight over the years, and seeing it worried me, because it puts his health at risk. I don't want him to die unnecessarily young. I chose not to say anything, because he knows the facts as well as I do, and he was the one living with the daily discomforts of obesity. As it turns out, he's since made changes and is losing the weight—after a health issue. (I'm not judging; I've done similar, though I was only slightly in the 'overweight' range, but it took a diagnosis to convince me that it was worth making the changes needed to lose the weight.)

If my family member had died suddenly before making any lifestyle changes, I would probably have wondered if I should have spoken up—if it would have made any difference—but it isn't easy to tell someone you're worried about their weight, and of course they know they're overweight better than anyone. I think it really depends on the kind of relationship you have with someone. I wouldn't have felt comfortable saying anything, as sad as that sounds. There are often complex, emotional reasons for weight gain, and I didn't want to add to the problems with comments that might have made him feel embarrassed or judged.

I would ask you - and I mean this honestly and without snark - what do you genuinely want to happen if you talk to her?

Is it going to be some kind of revelation to her? Do you think she is unaware of her weight or that her inability to run in the race was just an excuse to cover embarassment?

Or, do you think that the concern will be the light bulb moment she needs to make a change to her weight - that nothing else has been a trigger point for her, like her own health or her children etc?

If you think that might be the case - and you will know her better than us, then sure? Consider saying something.

Or do you feel a need that you must express this concern to her? For what purpose? To feel absolved if something ever happened? To make her feel some kind of way about your own worry?

Again, I don’t mean this unkindly, of course you will worry. As someone who used to be 21st, I can say not a single person commenting, expressing concern etc would be received as anything other than pure shame. And it is not the reason I am 8st lighter now.

I disagree.

My ex husband is into fell climbing.

And I have said to my best friend, who I’ve known since we were children:

”Destined for disaster. He likes climbing hills, and I like Netflix and kebabs.”

She laughed. Because it was funny, and also true. And I was happy with my kebab binge watching, so who was she to argue with a grown adult making the choice to sit on her arse.

Why do you feel the need to be patronising and unkind to your friend? Of course she’s aware she’s gained weight. You telling her isn’t going to suddenly shock her into addressing it. There could be any number of reasons for it.

Of course not. But after struggling at the sports day she’s more likely to have realised that the weight is affecting her health, so it may not come as a surprise to her that a good friend has seen her struggle, or that she is concerned and wants to offer her help.

I think the only way you can really raise it without causing offence is to ask her to join you in an activity.. Walking, aerobics, zumba, spin class, whatever. Say you've seen an advert for X nearby and you'd like to try it but you're nervous to go on your own and would she please come with you.

It’s not denial.

It’s a less embarrassing way of saying “I realise I’m unfit and I realise I’m fat”. It’s saving face.