AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

[DecadesLongSaga]

Last week we went for an in-law lunch including my PIL, SIL and her partner. I have come away, as per usual, feeling insulted, ignored and despised and it has lingered for a few days. I am sick of it.

My MIL and SIL are in constant dramas with their extended family. There is always some falling out, someone crying over comments made to each other and petty feuds. They constantly bitch about the women in their family saying babies are ugly, people are stupid and got rubbish jobs, laugh at how someone has aged, and spin a small comment into something massive. The things they say about the women married into the family are just awful.

My MIL has a very cruel tongue, and has always been the matriarch. Her DC and DH are terrified of her. A few years ago she openly started encouraging her DD to take over her matriarch role and all of a sudden she started telling us all what to do, and being extra rude to me. MIL wanted every interaction to go through SIL. When I saw what was happening I nipped it in the bud straight away by refusing to engage. Since the coup failed, they have really hated my guts!

My MIL is now late 80's and the wind has gone out of her sails. She is no longer able to bully anyone. Again I have noticed that my SIL seems to think that she is now head elephant in the family, is on a power trip and talking down to people. Her power seems to come from the fact that her parents favour her over my DH and his other brother (although he lives in Australia so he is not really on the scene). She is like a spoilt child who thinks that she can do and say what she wants because PIL will always take her side, even if she is in the wrong. PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat.

What I just don't get is why my SIL thinks she can position herself as the matriarch in the family? She is not married, doesn't have kids, doesn't speak to her cousins, hates me and my other SIL in Australia, my kids can't be bothered with her, and her partner is an idiot. I don't think PIL will be here for much longer as they are both unwell and late 80's.

It is funny because whenever we arrange to meet PIL and SIL, she has a massive makeover beforehand. MIL used to do this too up until a few years ago. It's like they are in competition with me. It is so tiring.

So, my post is really to ask for tips for dealing with my SIL moving forward. I'm just so tired of this ongoing saga. I have cut back the visits a lot, but they still leave me reeling. Honestly, I have that line in my head "will no one rid me of this turbulent priest". I just wish she would f'off. 😩It's like there is an imaginary pecking order and she desperately wants to be at the top of it, with MIL's backing.

AIBU to think that when my PIL are no longer around my SIL will suddenly find that her power battery no longer works and that she doesn't really have anything to be the matriarch of?

I just wish we could all get along nicely like I do with my other SILs and female relatives. No competition, just friendly and loving support.

That’s exactly my experience. These characters are contrary. You can’t win. Keep trying and twisting yourself into a pretzel to please them but they want to tension, power, toxicity. Some people have to push other people down just to keep their own fragile egos afloat. And it’s a very good point about the compounding impact of the micro aggressions over time. I once wrote a list titled ‘The Little Book of Cznt’ and the totality, pattern, persistence was hideous. The family are all under control by the threatened volatility.

Well when your DPIL die you just…. Stop seeing her.

Until then, if she’s rude just pretend you haven’t heard her. ‘What’s that C? Repeat that? What did you say?’

This is my mother to a tee

I grew up hearing her slagging others off (and I know I was the target many times) and doing nasty things behind other people's backs but being nice to their faces

She's trained my brother to be the same and to take over once she's gone

One day,I'd had enough and walked away (god,that was scary) and found peace immediately

She tried the whole 'when I die,I won't leave you my money'

'I don't want it,I earn my own money'

'I won't leave you my jewellery'

'I have my own jewellery'

'I won't leave you your share of my house'

'I don't want it,id rather be homeless than take a penny of the house sale'

Shed lost her power and she knows it (to the point that if she saw me in the street,she'd either run away or look the other way and pray I don't walk over to her)

There is nothing she can say or do that will get to me,I refuse to hang around and feed her power and she cant cope-all she's got is her hangers on (who are waiting around for her to die)

It's very freeing

Once your In-laws are gone your SIL will be alone except for your DH, if you don't want this stupid farce to go on Op then you need to make your DH see his DSis as she really is, if not, she'll just suck him in and you'll be stuck with her ever after. She'll be no one without him so she'll try very hard to keep him onside

Such a nice feeling at a funeral when you look over at someone and know that after this you'll probably never have to see them again.

When my parents died I realised I no longer had to speak or engage with my sister in law. I have not seen her since my father’s funeral in late 2024 when she inserted a speech into his funeral about how close they were. I don’t miss her and it is quite freeing.

Hi Op Surely the whole family ignoring you is better than this toxic bullshit. You can always tell her to fuck off when it’s just the two off you, hey sis you can stop dictating to me or trying to boss me about I’m a grown woman so I won’t accept your constant bullshit. or you can stop going why go if you’re not happy if they bitch about others to you then they will bitch if your not there about you. Also you could really stir the shit by slipping the odd bitchy comment to whoever it’s about. If it was me I might be tempted tbh. But I’m not from toxic family.

I dont understand why you agree to see them at all? Can you explain why your presence is necessary during these unpleasant encounters?

Surely when PiL go, you just all ignore her/don't see her? She's your dhs sister, but she has no kids to maintain a cousin/niece or nephew relationship with. I can understand dh and you wanting to support elderly parents, even if they're horrible, but a sister who is like this - just don't bother!? Why would you ever need to see or speak to her again? I don't mean dramatically cut her off, but just be too busy for any visits and dh can maintain a cordial but distant text/brief call relationship. Lots of siblings barely see each other, my brother and I get on but only catch up properly at christmas because we are all busy and live in different countries. Just don't have a relationship at all.

why bother having a relationship with such toxic people? Keep your distance and let DH deal with them.

life is too short

You can choose not to see them. Leave your dh to it.
The only person who’s life she can continue to rule after her parents die is your dhs which will impact on you if it happens.

What does your husband make of his relatives? Kind of lead by him if he wants to continue seeing his sister if parents aren't around. I would limit interactions.