AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

[DecadesLongSaga]

Last week we went for an in-law lunch including my PIL, SIL and her partner. I have come away, as per usual, feeling insulted, ignored and despised and it has lingered for a few days. I am sick of it.

My MIL and SIL are in constant dramas with their extended family. There is always some falling out, someone crying over comments made to each other and petty feuds. They constantly bitch about the women in their family saying babies are ugly, people are stupid and got rubbish jobs, laugh at how someone has aged, and spin a small comment into something massive. The things they say about the women married into the family are just awful.

My MIL has a very cruel tongue, and has always been the matriarch. Her DC and DH are terrified of her. A few years ago she openly started encouraging her DD to take over her matriarch role and all of a sudden she started telling us all what to do, and being extra rude to me. MIL wanted every interaction to go through SIL. When I saw what was happening I nipped it in the bud straight away by refusing to engage. Since the coup failed, they have really hated my guts!

My MIL is now late 80's and the wind has gone out of her sails. She is no longer able to bully anyone. Again I have noticed that my SIL seems to think that she is now head elephant in the family, is on a power trip and talking down to people. Her power seems to come from the fact that her parents favour her over my DH and his other brother (although he lives in Australia so he is not really on the scene). She is like a spoilt child who thinks that she can do and say what she wants because PIL will always take her side, even if she is in the wrong. PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat.

What I just don't get is why my SIL thinks she can position herself as the matriarch in the family? She is not married, doesn't have kids, doesn't speak to her cousins, hates me and my other SIL in Australia, my kids can't be bothered with her, and her partner is an idiot. I don't think PIL will be here for much longer as they are both unwell and late 80's.

It is funny because whenever we arrange to meet PIL and SIL, she has a massive makeover beforehand. MIL used to do this too up until a few years ago. It's like they are in competition with me. It is so tiring.

So, my post is really to ask for tips for dealing with my SIL moving forward. I'm just so tired of this ongoing saga. I have cut back the visits a lot, but they still leave me reeling. Honestly, I have that line in my head "will no one rid me of this turbulent priest". I just wish she would f'off. 😩It's like there is an imaginary pecking order and she desperately wants to be at the top of it, with MIL's backing.

AIBU to think that when my PIL are no longer around my SIL will suddenly find that her power battery no longer works and that she doesn't really have anything to be the matriarch of?

I just wish we could all get along nicely like I do with my other SILs and female relatives. No competition, just friendly and loving support.

This is what happened in my In laws family. When MIL died the SIL knew the gig was up and at the morning of her funeral she blew up and roared and shouted at everyone when she didnt get her own way. It was the last contact we had with her.

Incidentally after everything she did for my MIL, every manipulation she endured, her mother gave her home to her grandson. She was devastated and fell out with him also. She now drinks in local bars 5 nights a week crying that she cant see her nephews. And yet she hasnt done 1 solitary thing to resolve the situation. She actually a pitiful sad person. The wheel has turned and hit her in the face.

Just don't spend any time with any of them!

Let them turn on you.
Any family and person (family or otherwise) who makes you feel awful after visiting them is not worth spending time with, ever.

You don't have to get involved. Leave everything for your husband to deal with, including going on visits. Perhaps when he hears his own flesh and blood launch into you when you're not there he may understand why you've taken a back seat. Honestly, one life and all that, it's too short to be drawn into the drama.

Something similar in my extended family. Spoilt youngest child indulged due to being parents favourite. When they died everyone just stopped seeing her, she was rude to people, as she always had been, but with no parental backing people just ignored her. She is now estranged from her family and I would imagine she’s lonely, she has no people skills as she never needed to develop them so she has few friends. I don’t know how she’s getting on because I never see her and don’t engage with conversations about her. It’s sad really.

Once I was threatened with "we will get the whole family to not speak to you.

My response to that would have been ‘bring it on’.

I find in life if helps if you lower your expectations then you are never disappointed. Expect s’n’l to act like a twat so when she does it’s expected. The only way she can bother you is if you give her your ‘power’ ie let her bother you. Grey rock her no power to her then.

Absolutely this. Life’s too short to stuff a mushroom as they say, and this toxic bunch seem to have a never ending supply of Paxo !! I’d be waving the whole scenario a cheery goodbye and handing over all future interactions with them to DH - they’re his family, let him deal with them.

Does your husband support you when they say awful things to you?
Why does he still want to be in touch with them if they treat his wife like shit?
If I were you, I’d stop attending any of these occasions entirely and tell husband if he wants to go he must do so on his own as you need to protect yourself and your peace.

Love the expression Head Elephant. I know just what you mean. Agree that it will die out eventually.

hat’s the sad thing, we could’ve been great friends.

why do you think that, what have you got in common with her other than you married her brother?

Your female relatives are your history, your ties, presumably from your family that you have shared goals, upbringing etc

My SIL is nice enough but other than the fact I am married to her brother we have nothing and I repeat nothing in common

Just don't engage - simple

Exactly, so what if they don't like you, how much time and energy are you devoting to them?

I've got a sort of similar family situation, whereby I've married into an absolutely toxic one. My mother-in-law conducts all her spiteful behaviour behind my back though and my sister in law helps uphold the family image.
I'm out of the family now for calling out the behaviour, along with my child (her grandchild).
This has actually come as a bit of a relief, they can no longer make me feel inadequate and I don't have to listen to the stories and play along with the rhetoric anymore.
I wonder what the sister will do when the parents are gone? She will find herself quite lonely if you all cut her off for her horrible behaviour.
I stayed quiet a lot, but got to the point where I could see the dynamics. My husband does not though.
What does your husband say, I suspect this is perhaps "just the way they are" to him. But that excuses horrible behaviour that you should not tolerate. The important thing is that he is united with you and that your family together is prioritised (something my husband could not do).
I'd ask your husband to call out the comments she makes, if they are unchallenged when aired, it gives her the impression that it will be tolerated. She is thriving on the power of knowing that what she says will be accepted. Life is too short for that rubbish!

The only reason for your DH to keep them onside is so they don't write him and his brother out of the will. Saying SIL is their favourite would worry me on that score. Step back, let him deal and perhaps he should make subtle enquiries. Has SIL had any input to their finances etc?

H cut all contact with his siblings because of this shit. Life is good as a result they could be dead, noone would tell us nor would we care.

She has power in that you keep turning up and listening to her.

You say you dont want to upset DH - but he is happy for you and others to be abused?

You're handing her power

WTA?? Keep them on side for money? H could grovel and lick their arses if that's they said it took for him to gain from their wills. But in the event they have left their money to a charity supporting a species of endangered cockroaches.
Why would anyone lower themselves to grovel and be subjected to abuse them and their partner /kids for money?
People who do this have bigger problems to deal with and I wouldn't tolerated it if my h had wanted to stay attached to his toxic family, because they were vile to him and me.

You have been too passive Op and definitely so has your DH. When they threatened you (getting everyone to stop talking to you), you should have called them out as bullies and very noisily and vocally said that until they apologise to you, they would not see you again. Then you and DH walk out.
Then if they don't apologise, there's no more drama in your life.

OP sorry what does she actually say to you directly? I’m early 50s and would definitely tell family to knock it off if they were being rude/barking demands

Just avoid her. It can’t be that difficult.

Result ! To me that would be as good as winning the lottery.😀

Stop going to things where she's there. If you can't or won't do that, be more of a cunt than she is. Make it objectively harder to stand up to you than to her.

Where is your DH in this? How does he respond when they are rude to you?

I wouldn't engage with these horrible people, maybe develop 'migraines' so you can't attend family get togethers.

I have a SIL exactly the same. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 2 years and it's been bliss. I got to the point where I'd had enough, so I have completely disengaged from her. Try it. It's freedom and she has no power over me anymore.

Threatened that the whole family wont speak to you???

Is this not the exact situation for the classic
"Don't threaten me with a good time"

I agree.

You are aware of the situation. You can predict the dynamic and the behaviours - that will occur each time that are intended to hurt, insult and disrespect you.

You are giving her a stage, an audience and a willing victim for her to discharge her wrath.

You have agency.

You need to take yourself out of punching distance.

Do not be in their company. Don’t waste your words just be busy.

Would you tell your DCs that they are obligated to walk into the lions den every day to be mailed by the school bully?

You have agency here.

The hard part is coming to terms with what you allowed your younger self to endure. I had similar family dynamics and always went as I was always hopeful that they would be nice and I was subconsciously seeking approval and validation from them - until I had therapy where I learned that approval and validation comes from within and I needed to give it to myself and not seek it externally and certainly not from toxic sources.

I just stopped going. No explanation. Just faded away. I am sure they were then delighted to have DH all to themselves. Win Win. Also this time was helpful for DH to see what cznts his family were up close because before I was always the distraction.

I left it too late - 5 years before MIL died when I was 50 - I had been exposed to their hostility, sneering, put downs since the age of 15 and never said a word to them. I have compassion for my weaker self walking into that abuse for decades. No one missed me not going, was never asked where I was. Great outcome all round.