AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

[DecadesLongSaga]

Last week we went for an in-law lunch including my PIL, SIL and her partner. I have come away, as per usual, feeling insulted, ignored and despised and it has lingered for a few days. I am sick of it.

My MIL and SIL are in constant dramas with their extended family. There is always some falling out, someone crying over comments made to each other and petty feuds. They constantly bitch about the women in their family saying babies are ugly, people are stupid and got rubbish jobs, laugh at how someone has aged, and spin a small comment into something massive. The things they say about the women married into the family are just awful.

My MIL has a very cruel tongue, and has always been the matriarch. Her DC and DH are terrified of her. A few years ago she openly started encouraging her DD to take over her matriarch role and all of a sudden she started telling us all what to do, and being extra rude to me. MIL wanted every interaction to go through SIL. When I saw what was happening I nipped it in the bud straight away by refusing to engage. Since the coup failed, they have really hated my guts!

My MIL is now late 80's and the wind has gone out of her sails. She is no longer able to bully anyone. Again I have noticed that my SIL seems to think that she is now head elephant in the family, is on a power trip and talking down to people. Her power seems to come from the fact that her parents favour her over my DH and his other brother (although he lives in Australia so he is not really on the scene). She is like a spoilt child who thinks that she can do and say what she wants because PIL will always take her side, even if she is in the wrong. PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat.

What I just don't get is why my SIL thinks she can position herself as the matriarch in the family? She is not married, doesn't have kids, doesn't speak to her cousins, hates me and my other SIL in Australia, my kids can't be bothered with her, and her partner is an idiot. I don't think PIL will be here for much longer as they are both unwell and late 80's.

It is funny because whenever we arrange to meet PIL and SIL, she has a massive makeover beforehand. MIL used to do this too up until a few years ago. It's like they are in competition with me. It is so tiring.

So, my post is really to ask for tips for dealing with my SIL moving forward. I'm just so tired of this ongoing saga. I have cut back the visits a lot, but they still leave me reeling. Honestly, I have that line in my head "will no one rid me of this turbulent priest". I just wish she would f'off. 😩It's like there is an imaginary pecking order and she desperately wants to be at the top of it, with MIL's backing.

AIBU to think that when my PIL are no longer around my SIL will suddenly find that her power battery no longer works and that she doesn't really have anything to be the matriarch of?

I just wish we could all get along nicely like I do with my other SILs and female relatives. No competition, just friendly and loving support.

Every time I read one of your update posts explaining what they do i find myself shrugging.

Find your shrug.

Imagine the liberation that would come from not having to socialise with nasty people who see the worst in everything and are trying to hurt you.

If you were to make a list of ways to spend your time, would they make the top 1000?

But you know all of this and yet you're doing it anyway - so what's the blocker? What's the "but" in your head?

You are giving them power by engaging with it. Just stop attending, stop communicating. You can’t be the matriarch of a family unit that doesn’t exist. Leave the trio of PIL and SIL to bitch amongst themselves.

Can you really not see that you are a cog in this @DecadesLongSaga ?

Just drop the rope. Change phone numbers, block everyone and never see any of them again.

Moving to Australia was the most sensible move in any of this.

Remaining on contact with these muppets in insanity in it's own right.

Once your PILs have died, surely there'll be absolutely no reason for you to see her? Will your DH want to? I can't imagine why he would.

YABU to carry on playing these games. Why do spend any time with her? Who is she controlling and how? You're not obliged to spend any time with her or do what she says.

She literally sits there and is rude because she knows that if I say anything back her parents will defend her to the death and then turn on me. They have done that in the past when I pulled her up.

And? So what?
You are just as responsible for enabling this. Just step away? If your DH wants to stay in touch let him.
Why would you put yourself through all of this and spend time with people who hate you? WHY??

Sorry just read that you tow the line as not to upset your DH! Wtf? He should be telling you that you don't need to be involved with his family as they hurt you. What kind of DH just sits and watches this play out? Fair enough he is happy to be the family doormat but handing you over as a whipping girl is not what a good DH does.
Just get them told!

When systems are toxic, often someone simply takes the place of someone else filling a particular role. So I think she will just fill your MIL's role after she dies. You can just choose to go low contact though and leave DH to it.

Regardless of the horrible behaviour, it is unlikely she would become the matriarch of the family. It tends to be that the generation below splits into smaller families and build their own networks and routines. That's the way of the world once a set of grandparents pass away.

If she has behaved this way then she has not set herself up to be a welcome member of any new family set up.

I would love love love someone to call them out, even nicely, the way some people do on mn, so I know in real life this doesn’t happen but for someone to just say something chilled like ‘is there a reason you have to be so mean? Are you ok?’ or even better’you having an ok day hun?’ Just … something!!

Tell DH that he is welcome to stay in contact with his parents without you if he wants to carry on seeing them. When they've died surely there is no reason to have anything whatsoever to do with SIL ever again?

You say that now you're in your 50s you're "not putting up with it" but here you are asking for tips

So, my post is really to ask for tips for dealing with my SIL moving forward.

what tips would you need if you aren't going to put up with it.

just get really busy doing your own things in your own life and create healthy distance. Then you won't have to give it any thought.

My mother in law was an abusive bully who turned it on me once. I told her how out of order she was being and my partner stood up for me. She’s now nice as anything. She hardly sees me but I like it that way now.Try telling these people to wind their neck in. Often no one has stood up to them.

She can only be 'in charge' if you allow her to be. Same with PIL. They sound absolutely fucking horrible. How would you DH feel about going no contact? She can boss you around all she likes, bitch all she likes, but if you tell her to fuck off what's she gonna do about it???

You're right OP - once your PIL die you won't even have to see your SIL, let alone be subject to her ridiculous delusions of grandeur. How's she going to be 'the matriarch' anyway, when she doesn't have any DC? She will have zero role to fulfil once your MIL dies - and thank goodness for that! Any time she tries to organise things or boss you around you can tell her to get stuffed.

This is so simple.
Don't spend another minute with any of them.
If husband wants to, that's his choice.

I find not spending time with people who actively despise me solves quite a few problems. Your DH can have a relationship with them independent of you. Why do you need to deal with her at all, just don't have contact. It really is that simple.

but why not do that now?

Her power battery doesn't have to work now , if you don't let it.

I would not spend another second in her company if I were you.

The situation will change when the in laws die and you are right to think her influence will fade.

Be prepared for your husband to never really understand it from your POV however much he loves you. He was raised in that family system and so it is what he might think of as normal.

My DPs father is like this… opinionated, rude, ungrateful and thinks he’s the boss of everyone ( he’s 91 btw, disabled, ex forces) He does the ridiculing that your SiL does, behind the family members backs, playing one off against the other. Drives me mad!

His wife is so lovely, sadly got a terminal illness so doesn’t notice a lot of it going on.
Ive found over the years, that to just not go to the events, get-together etc, is the best way. He actually ordered me to a “special” party😱 - that didn’t work! I informed DP that I was 60 years old, had brought up a family and was capable of thinking for myself, and I wouldn’t be ordered anywhere by a man who I was not related to in any form! He pestered DP about my absence so in the end DP told him what I’d said… he barely acknowledges me now🙄

Just don’t engage, don’t attend things if you don’t want to. Invent illnesses, do whatever you need to stay sane!🌺

Yes, this is true.

You're enabling this by putting so much thought into it.

You’ve given them too much power already, you need to shut them down as quickly as possible every single time you’re faced with nasty or controlling comments. It’ll be hard the first few times but you’ll get used to it, and so will they.

I agree that she will be isolated and irrelevant after her parents pass on. They all sound very soul destroying and mean spirited. I don't think you have anything to lose by stepping down to the very occasional meet up as this is so toxic for you. But yes it would seem to have a clear end point.

Why would you want any contact with them? I would cut them all out apart from the brothers & their wives. No need to put up with it any longer.