AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

[DecadesLongSaga]

Last week we went for an in-law lunch including my PIL, SIL and her partner. I have come away, as per usual, feeling insulted, ignored and despised and it has lingered for a few days. I am sick of it.

My MIL and SIL are in constant dramas with their extended family. There is always some falling out, someone crying over comments made to each other and petty feuds. They constantly bitch about the women in their family saying babies are ugly, people are stupid and got rubbish jobs, laugh at how someone has aged, and spin a small comment into something massive. The things they say about the women married into the family are just awful.

My MIL has a very cruel tongue, and has always been the matriarch. Her DC and DH are terrified of her. A few years ago she openly started encouraging her DD to take over her matriarch role and all of a sudden she started telling us all what to do, and being extra rude to me. MIL wanted every interaction to go through SIL. When I saw what was happening I nipped it in the bud straight away by refusing to engage. Since the coup failed, they have really hated my guts!

My MIL is now late 80's and the wind has gone out of her sails. She is no longer able to bully anyone. Again I have noticed that my SIL seems to think that she is now head elephant in the family, is on a power trip and talking down to people. Her power seems to come from the fact that her parents favour her over my DH and his other brother (although he lives in Australia so he is not really on the scene). She is like a spoilt child who thinks that she can do and say what she wants because PIL will always take her side, even if she is in the wrong. PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat.

What I just don't get is why my SIL thinks she can position herself as the matriarch in the family? She is not married, doesn't have kids, doesn't speak to her cousins, hates me and my other SIL in Australia, my kids can't be bothered with her, and her partner is an idiot. I don't think PIL will be here for much longer as they are both unwell and late 80's.

It is funny because whenever we arrange to meet PIL and SIL, she has a massive makeover beforehand. MIL used to do this too up until a few years ago. It's like they are in competition with me. It is so tiring.

So, my post is really to ask for tips for dealing with my SIL moving forward. I'm just so tired of this ongoing saga. I have cut back the visits a lot, but they still leave me reeling. Honestly, I have that line in my head "will no one rid me of this turbulent priest". I just wish she would f'off. 😩It's like there is an imaginary pecking order and she desperately wants to be at the top of it, with MIL's backing.

AIBU to think that when my PIL are no longer around my SIL will suddenly find that her power battery no longer works and that she doesn't really have anything to be the matriarch of?

I just wish we could all get along nicely like I do with my other SILs and female relatives. No competition, just friendly and loving support.

YABU to engage with her at all if shes as bad as you suggest. Leave all communication with his sister to your DH.

Why bother with any of them, they all sound awful. Your MIL and now SIL think they have some sort of power only because you and other family members let them think it.

sil thinks she is going to be matriarch because mil says so and she is the current matriarch.

i would agree that once mil dies it won’t happen.

similar situation in my pils family and as pil have aged the big family get togethers just don’t happen.

people meet up in much smaller groups and without pil or SIL

You make it sound like some sort of mafia organisation, Matriach??!! come on

Power Battery?

Just don't engage.

You don't have to get on.

Just don't engage.

I think you’re correct OP. Once the PIL shuffle off, there’ll be no back up, no allies, no “majority” and as you say what, who will she be matriarch of? Can you see yourselves (you and DH) staying in contact with her? At that point, you could easily leave any duty contact to her DH and bow right out of the whole awful mess.
I can relate to what you say about MIL not having the energy to bully anymore. My own M can get her digs in beautifully still but the hour long rants and lectures are beyond her now.

what is her power now or appears to be ?

I don’t understand why you still spend time with them?

I have come away, as per usual, feeling insulted, ignored and despised and it has lingered for a few days. I am sick of it.

PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat

I have cut back the visits a lot, but they still leave me reeling

As an outsider, I can say ‘don't go to see them then’. I appreciate you are conditioned to it, but simply put, you don’t have to go.

Things to do on a Sunday lunchtime - garden centre, paint the bathroom, clear the loft, be far away (because you left home at 10am), supermarket, in the bath, at a restaurant, many things. Do one of them instead.

It is hard to explain, but it is there.

I have always been told by PIL that "this is what SIL wants" even if it is unreasonable. Or, don't upset SIL/ she won't like that/ she is not happy abut that. Once I was threatened with "we will get the whole family to not speak to you". My FIL absolutely, openly despises me because I don't tow the line. I don't know my place in the pecking order.

When you are in your teens, 20's, 30's even, you don't have the social skills to deal with your in-laws. In my 40's I got a lot better. Now in my early 50's I am just not putting up with it.

I think she is really childish. PIL actually say openly that she is their favourite. I have told my DH that if my parents said that in front of me I would get up and walk out. Whenever they say it, she sits there and smiles, basking in it.

She literally sits there and is rude because she knows that if I say anything back her parents will defend her to the death and then turn on me. They have done that in the past when I pulled her up.

Oh my. Just drop the rope and stop caring. Life’s too short to bother with dickheads.

If you have to see her, look up Grey Rock Technique.

Why do you even go to see them, what does it achieve? They already hate you, they can say what they like about you it won’t make a difference if you go or not.

Leave your DH to see them if he wants to, otherwise it sounds like there's plenty of things you could be doing you'd enjoy more than spending time with them all.

I think my SIL fancied the matriarch role over her 4 brothers but fluffed it by clearing out MIL's house the day she died. BIL1 was sole executor and made her take all the stuff back and changed the locks.

so its like the one the family bows to even if its omg

Just don’t go to any meet ups, let DH go and deal with them, she is going to slag you off either way.

She is probably bitter and jealous of everyone around her and the only control she has is over her parents, and they are the only people who probably give her any validation. Its quite sad really.

Just don't engage with the nonsense. MIL/SIL only have power if you agree to be part of the dynamic. I agree with the Grey Rock technique as a useful tool (though as I'm ADHD I just laugh and ask who died and made them queen small q )

Apparently my Uncle (married to my eldest aunt) decided he was head of the family after my mother's father died, years before I was born. When I decided to head off to London to study at a centre of excellence in the subject, the uncle had a meeting with my parents, without me knowing. He TOLD them to not allow it. That if I had to study I should do it more locally.

My parents laughed and told him to tell me himself, if he dared. They weren't keen on 19yo me going to a city but knew my mind was made up, and that was the end of any discussions, or pretence that he was in charge of the whole family.

YANBU My Mother in law was like this. We were very low contact due to the exhaustion of the constant drama. It didn't help that there were hundreds of miles between us. If there had been an upset we tended to just withdraw. I was quite sad at her funeral about the wasted years and what might have been. I spent ten of them trying to appease her and then then the last ten or so leaving DH to arrange sporadic contact so that they could see Ds. She was absent from, or ruined every happy event and turned the attention onto herself, by having huge tantrums. There were no immediate family members at our son's christening and nobody attend Dh's first wedding.

As for SIL, it has been strictly no contact since I had Ds and I have no qualms about her not being part of our lives. I can recommend low or no contact for a peaceful life.

You’re right it will just fade out once pil pass. I know it will in my case because dh doesnt want any contact with his sister once they are no longer with us. He’s had a whole life of begging for crumbs while Sil gets everything on the plate. She thinks she will be the one organising meet ups, Christmas, birthdays etc but she will find no one turns up. Dh other sibling moved away and hardly comes anyway (lucky thing lol). I don’t go to much, I like fil so turn up to his things. My now adult dc don’t bother. They were pushed aside for the favourite grandkids and dh let that happen, didn’t address it, it caused a big problem in our marriage but I decided to just step back with my dc and leave them to it. There’s still some resentment between me and dh as he runs himself ragged caring for pil now that they are frail. I’ll never understand why he does it. But I love him enough to support him by keeping my gob shut lol.

just step back op. Leave them to it. Enjoy the peace.

That’s the sad thing, we could’ve been great friends. I get on really well with my own female relatives. Never had a cross word with any of them.

You are right that it’s only her parents giving her validation. I’m not prepared to put up with this when they are no longer here. I don’t want to cause my DH upset so I’ve held back, but if they were not here I’d tell her to get to f*ck.

I think the power is given by the parents in that dynamic, but it also dies with the parent. The sister just doesn’t see it yet. She will experience it from the moment her mother passes in the future.

It is so utterly draining being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour. As you’ve found yourself you can tweak the edges of it by not going along with it but it still impacts people around them.

I certainly wouldn’t be going to their family gatherings

I think if you firmly give her a mouthful of home truths the problem of needing to be in contact with her will magically vanish!

I don’t want to cause my DH upset so I’ve held back

Does your DH want you to accompany him to these get-togethers? Does he ask, or is it just assumed that you will be going? Does he want you there to give him some support?
What would happen if you told him you were giving it a miss and he should go by himself if he wants to see them?

Just avoid SIL. My dad didn't get on with or like my mum's brother, he was civil to him if he saw him but didn't go with my mum when she went over to see him.

Next opportunity to go against her wishes do it..
What's the worst she can do?
Ignore you. Bloody fab !

Sounds as though they’ve never matured further than the playground, judging by the amount of drama they create from nothing. I wouldn’t waste time and energy engaging with it - life’s too short. In actual fact OP it’s you who has all the power here. If they’re as awful as you describe I don’t imagine you care what they think of you, so why not step right back and let your DH handle them ? Grey rock is the answer. They’re making it plain that they don’t consider you, or anyone else who has ‘married in’ to be family so why continue to try to be familial with them ?

And yes, to answer your question, I think once PiL have popped their clogs the wind will be taken right out of her sails.