AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

You talk to your child's grandparents every other week, something as momentous as your first pregnancy is happening to you, and you "forget" to tell them? And you're surprised they're hurt? Frankly, that's mad.

Plenty of us went to boarding school. My parents were, frankly, lazy to the point of being hurtful about things like exeats, parents' days etc. The fact remains that I saw them for around 17 weeks a year, more when I went to university, and it never once occurred to me that they wouldn't be amongst the first people I told about my engagement and various pregnancies.

But I am picturing a young girl who notices her friends’ parents are around a lot more

I can guarantee this isn't the case. If op was truly at boarding school, and this isn't just a story, then she'll know that her parents were at the more involved end of the spectrum (for boarding school parents) by flying over from Morocco just to take her out for exeat weekends.

As an adult child, they sound pretty involved. My and dh's parents would love it if we spoke on the phone once a fortnight, that's very regular! Not to mention prolonged bankrolling into her 20s and even getting op a job for her.

If op is so resentful, why isn't she no-contact? Why string her parents along with such frequent phone calls but keep them in the dark? Is it because she knows they'd be there for her in a crisis (particularly a financial one)?

you’re contradicting yourself a little - if you say you didn’t think they’d care then you must have considered telling them.

Is this the first time you’ve spoken since you fell pregnant?

Can I pivot a little and ask how is your relationship with your siblings if you were all at boarding school? Were you all at the same schools? Have you told them about your pregnancy, as they've obviously not mentioned it to your parents if so which also begs the question is their relationship with your parents same as yours?

'Boarding school syndrome' is a thing but I have worked in one and known many, many pupils some of whom have very distant parents, and OPs situation does not sound remotely like a neglected child, more like she has read some stuff about distant parents and decided that must be her even though with every additional detail it sounds less like her parents were distant and uncaring at all! Not perfect, but how many of us are?
I agree with a PP that this therapy has convinced you that you were hard done by when you really weren't. From what you have said, your parents:

• Sent you to boarding school when they moved round the world to keep your education stable. This is a responsible thing to do and exactly the kind of situation where boarding school is appropriate. It is the kids whose parents live half an hour down the road I worry about!
• Tried having you nearer them in Switzerland but you preferred your English boarding school so they sent you back?
• You really enjoyed school, have great memories and friends and were well looked after (they chose well, this was almost certainly not chance)
• They made sure you wanted for nothing (personally not my kind of parenting but they certainly care) financially and gave you a step up in the world (like caring parents do)
• They let you have parties at home so clearly it was your home
• They speak to you every fortnight

OP, honestly, you sound really quite spoilt and like you have been told you should feel distant from your parents when they have actually been pretty good parents, albeit imperfect like all of us, who made the best of the constraints of their job to give you the best possible life. You say they don't care about you - did they phone/write to you at school? Did they attend the parents' days at pick up/drop off, or stay in touch with your Housemistress on how you were doing? If the answer to this is yes then you are being outrageously unfair. I see a lot of neglectful boarding school parents and yours are not that. Also, you didn't 'forget'. You talk to them every fortnight.

You haven't done anything wrong. It doesn't matter that posters on here that did not live your childhood with the emotional neglect that you did don't get it. Congratulations on your baby!

You speak to them every other week and you didn't tell them you were pregnant? Of course they're going to be upset by that. You must have spoken to them loads since you found out and just not mentioned it as if it's irrelevant? Even if you don't normally talk about things like that, a pregnancy is huge news.

From your original post I assumed you only talked to them once every 6 months or something.

You can't have both forgotten and not thought they'd care. You opted when to tell them.

Tbh like others have said, you need to work out if you want a relationship with them and if you do you need to move forward in a different way. You're about to become a mum the world will look different to you. You need to remember that these are your child's grandparents and their understanding of the world will be shaped by your relationships and how they observe 'normal'.

What im saying is that if you role model to them that it is normal to have irregular contact with your parents and share important news, they will absorb that and may develop a similar relationship with you and DH. At the very least they will ask you about it. I know we like to think our kids will never do xyz because we will do it differently but trust me, all parents are flawed, and that will include you. Even the unflawed ones sometimes go on to have kids that don't act as one would hope (so even if you're perfect, involved, nurturing, your kid may still want a relationship like you have with your parents and it will be outside your control)

YANBU. You get to decide what relationship you have with them, if any. Frankly, they are reaping what they sowed.

agree

its self absorbed and using the child as a weapon already actually . Why not cut ties altogether with people who you think are robots that would not be interested to hear you are pregnant . Why bother talking to them at all

I can see why your parents are surprised not to have been told the baby news.
You have had counselling so you obviously think that you would have preferred to have seen your parents more often.
They did their best.

Remember to do it better for your child.

Remember to tell your parents about the birth. Instigate a closer bond with your parents for your child's benefit.

Are you close with your siblings?
You have one mighty thing in common.
It could help to discuss your funny, sad, lonely, pampered and amazing upbringing with three others who understand and put it into perspective.

I'd completely get it if OP said she didn't want to tell them, was deliberately wanting to get back at them for her childhood, didn't want them involved, etc - any of those would be understandable.

But she seems to be saying she bears them no ill will - even speaks to them every other week (!) - and is just saying that she didn't think to mention what is absolutely massive news?

That's just odd.

As a fellow boarding school kid I feel for you if you were sent from a very young age. How young were you?
Why didn’t you go home in holidays? You mentioned you only saw them a few weeks a year. Most kids (unless they live in the back of beyond) go home every holiday and 1/2 term. I wonder if you have always felt resentful about being sent away and this has led you to miss-remember how much time you spent at home?
Therapy is dependant on the therapist, your therapeutic relationship and what you bring. Sometimes it’s the wrong therapist, sometimes it’s just the wrong time for you. I wonder if the right time to deal with this stuff may come up in the future.

Are you pretending to yourself that it's normal to forget to tell them? so you can subconsciously punish them for abandoning you?

I think you need more therapy!

I agree with this.

Very unusual and extremely sad dynamic.

So it’s fine to just use people whenever you feel like it because you feel you were wronged by them . This is a very childish view . It’s like when a child says well I didn’t ask to be born as an excuse for bad behaviour

So you speak with them every other week or so, yet you somehow 'forget' you have parents?
Either, these wind up threads are getting ridiculous, or, you are a childish madam obviously trying to punish your parents.

by the way you are allowed to not invite them / allowed to not share information - but I think for your own emotional health it would be better to be honest about what you are doing.

If you talk to them every couple of weeks , either:

1. they said to you ‘how are you, how’s your week been?’ And you chose not to say ‘’I’m pregnant’ ‘I had a midwife appointment’ etc, or:
2. they didn’t ask any such thing

if the latter I understand why you might not have volunteered the info.

Some people are only interested in themselves.

but now that have shown you that they are interested and care, I hope you can have a better relationship going forward ❤️

Forgot telling them because I didn’t think they’d care about such things. Maybe they do I have nephews and nieces they don’t seem to care about them not in a malicious way but just the way they are. I don’t think they mean any harm so we all just get on with our lives they’re not horrible people at all that was never my intention with the post.

Neither of them had a ‘loving’ upbringing they just got on with it. My father hated his father but kept his ‘duty’ as he says. I don’t think I hate my parents I think subconsciously I’m probably hurt by my childhood but then again I had a very privileged upbringing so sometimes it’s hard for me to come to terms with things when there’s people my age who probably couldn’t even get on the housing ladder, did not have a flat waiting for them in London at 22 etc.

You haven't forgotten. You've chosen not too.

You dont forget your pregnant 😱

Haven't RTFT but have read your replies, OP.

Given you speak with your parents every other week, it doesn't strike me that you forgot to mention that you were pregnant, it sounds more like a deliberate omission.

This isn't "normal" though, no. You mention having therapy in the past to work through issues stemming from your unusual childhood. Perhaps it's worth revisiting that, as I expect your impending motherhood might be causing some of these issues to rear their head.

You didn’t forget.

You’re still resentful that you went to boarding school and deliberately keeping your parents at a distance. You’ve chosen not to tell them about wedding or pregnancy.

She didn’t say they “are academics”. She said that they are “very academic”, which is entirely different.