AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

I completely get where you’re coming from, my husbands parents sent him to boarding school as well as they also didn’t want to actually parent their child. Because of this there isn’t a bond or connection between them, its more like the relationship you would have between an old neighbour, you say hello to them, but don’t feel the need to include them in your life as they’ve never really been part of it.

We didn’t tell his parents when we were going through the adoption process, it would have been pointless as they don’t have a relationship, as expected when they found out they weren’t bothered beyond being worried what their friends would think. Zero interest in their grand child, just as they have zero interest in their two children.

I get it. I grew up in a house with disinterested parents. They would just talk about themselves and never asked any questions. It meant I never relied on them emotionally - just for housing, food etc. If I ever said anything when older, I would get a blank look and then they would carry on talking about whatever. They are not bad people but they feel like distant relatives. I have learnt not to say anything and just talk about superficial things. You are so used to not relying on them that it doesn't occur to you to share things with them. When they die, I won't feel anything - good or bad. People find that hard to understand but there are a lot of us out there.

Every other week and not once during those conversations were you thinking about your baby?

I assume they said Hello, how are you? And not once did you think "I'm excited, I've just found out I'm having a baby!" Or to mention an upcoming appointment, a scan photo, or asking for a recommendation for a baby book?

They may not be perfect but wow, to pretend you forgot or that your baby didn't come to mind during a short phonecard once a fortnight is even more shocking. I was constantly thinking about my baby or touching my belly or walking around the house and visiting the new nursery on the phone. I'd be closer to disturbed if you genuinely had not though of your baby during those calls or wanted to tell people about them.

In that case, “forgetting” to tell them is just fucking weird, sorry. But you keep interspersing “forgetting to tell them” with “I didn’t think they’d care” which IMO shows that this wasn’t actually a case of forgetting to tell them

Forgetting to tell them because you don’t think they care isn’t forgetting.

It’s deliberately choosing not to tell them because you think they don’t care, probably because you went to boarding school.

Stop pretending you forgot. You’re practically admitting it’s a deliberate choice to not tell them.

I can understand why your mum would be very hurt, I'm surprised that you can't. If you genuinely forget about them I'm not sure what else you could have done but surely you can see how upsetting that would be for your parents? I'm sure they feel very differently about you than you do them, they may not show love how other parents do, but they have shown it with their financial assistance, the holidays and continued contact in adulthood. It's far from ideal and I can understand why you struggled with your childhood and needed therapy. However, I can't understand your lack of insight into how your mum feels about this.

How did I use my own parents ? I didn’t ask to be born ? Surely between the ages of 0-18 at the very least you still rely on your parents I don’t think it’s using. Maybe I’m wrong but at 18 I don’t think I would have been able to fend for myself and maybe that’s what I needed. I personally would not count my unborn child as using I’ve actively tried to have a child. I’ve had a miscarriage previously this child is very much wanted and can continue to ‘use’ us for however long.

it sounds like you’re punishing them - they were distant to you so now you get to be distant to them

I agree with this. No way you “forgot” about the wedding and pregnancy, you chose not to mention them.

However I also wouldn’t blame you at all if you feel distant from them and don’t particularly want to share personal news. If parents choose this kind of upbringing they can’t be surprised if their kids don’t feel close to them.

Who instigates the catch up calls? You or them? If it’s you then why not just… stop. Sounds like you don’t enjoy the calls much. It would be less weird than having regular calls where nothing personal is said, that’s just ticking a box that says “we have a relationship” without it being real.

I get it. I have a weekly call with my parents out of some sense of obligation. They spend it talking about themselves. Their medical appointments, their hobbies, their friends… they can talk at me for an hour and then when they have had enough I’ll get the standard “do you have anything to report” question. And 9 times out of 10 I’ll say “all good here thanks”.

Do I have news? Of course I do. I have DC who constantly have things to update them on. Do I? No. Because I know they aren’t really interested. I know they don’t actually care. They ask because they know that’s the etiquette.

Yes, I would have mentioned the pregnancy earlier but I know their response would have been a simple congratulations and nothing more really.

You are using them for something by stringing them along talking to them .

Your parents cared enough about you to help you get that job. They cared enough about you to ensure you had a roof over your head in a reasonable part of London when you moved there. You say you graduated - who helped you with all the costs of going to university? Did you get around to telling them which university you were going to, what subject you were doing, what degree you got? Who paid for you to go travelling? I know money isn't everything, but you don't do all that for someone you don't care about. Given the problems caused by their own jobs, maybe your parents felt this was one way of showing they still cared.

I genuinely just kept forgetting to tell them because I didn’t think they’d care

Nah you’re contradicting yourself. You didn’t forget to tell them. You decided not to tell them because you keep feeding yourself the narrative that they wouldn’t care, which from your mum’s reaction isn’t true. Also no one forgets to invite their parents to their own wedding. GMAB. You’re actively distancing yourself for whatever reason and you sound quite toxic.

As a parent ( oldest a teen), I can now understand my parents a lot better. They were both the products of their own parents and upbringing. They both carried their own damage. My Dad was also autistic. He never asked me about myself. Before he died he said it was because he did not want to look nosey.

From your posts I see parents who show their love and care for you by providing for you ( education, holidays, getting you a job) and sharing the things they love with you ( the newspaper clippings and talking about current affairs). I think this is their way of bonding.

You loved boarding school so were happy there. They must have thought this was best for you out of the options available. It’s not like some who beg their parents not to send them back to boarding school but their parents do anyway.

Your parents are not emotionally available, neither were mine, and I know the hurt from that. Parents can only give what they they’ve got. I can see that now. Emotionally availability probably isn’t something they are capable of, given their own upbringing, and isn’t a reflection of the whether they care for and love you.

I agree. You were not abused or neglected. Many people have a far from idyllic childhood. Being in touch with them and 'forgetting' to tell them is just spiteful under the guise of you forgot you had parents. Sounds like you are looking to pay them back for sending you to boarding school.

It carried on beyond 18, though, didn't it? Remember that first job your father helped you get? And all that travelling? Did you get help when you were at university? Did you go back home during vacations?

I understand OP, I have the same
relationship with my parents and I also share very very little with them.
people who didn’t grow up with this type of parents will never understand.
i also didn’t share my pregnancy until very late.
my advice: having a child is wild when you don’t have the blueprint of what a good parent is. But I am confident you will be a better parent than your parents were but find a good support system (whether paid through therapy or friends with good parents with whole you can talk things through)
good luck!

I think this is a strange thread

I don't think that you have to be close to your parents at all and can still be distant from them if that's how it is. But yes I think it's odd not to tell them till a late stage. And yes I have trouble believing you forgot. And considering you speak so often as well....
But then I feel the same way about what you said about inviting them to your wedding too
I'm not really surprised she was hurt and upset

They have not been an important part of your life, it’s a bit odd that you speak occasionally and didn’t mention the pregnancy earlier.

I get the distance, even the forgetting they exist thing- out of sight, out of mind.

but surely, when your husband told his parents, and I presume it was a happy experience - did it not cross your mind to tell yours?

@BeBreezyAquaFinch and yes you do sound quite toxic . Not once did I suggest that you didn’t want a child or the child wasn’t planned wherever you got that bizarre suggestion and what does a miscarriage have to do with anything . Have been there myself before you say I’m being harsh . No one forced you to take that flat in London and most 18 year olds manage to “fend for themselves “ without the bank of mum and dad . You could have said no and gotten a job yourself . That is what the vast majority of adults do.

I'm trying to understand these twice a month conversations. Do they ask how you are, what's going on with you? Or just start with what do you think about [insert current affairs]? And end the combo without actually finding anything out about each other?

It’s great that some people don’t call their parents out of obligation. This for me is just how I was brought up I grew up worrying letters to them every week it was expected of us by the school and as time went on I kept that up with phone calls. Our conversations aren’t anything exciting it’s social commentary discussing what we think about certain things more so just politics and the economy. My father and I debate a lot it’s something we’ve always done since we were little, he sends me his articles that he writes and I critic it from a ‘millennial’ stand point that is the kind of relationship I have with my parents. There is no emotion to it. I’ve never had that from my parents it doesn’t mean I dislike them it just mean we have a very dysfunctional relationship. I don’t even remember a time when I ever argued with them (other than political or economical standpoint to which they like as they want us to have different views) I probably last argued with them when I was 8 and did not want to go to school in Switzerland.

We just don’t talk about things. I told them because I felt as though maybe I should. My mother is rightly upset but also I just didn’t think she’d care. She had other grandchild. My sister sent her a picture (in the post) of her son when he was born she put it up and then admitted she threw it away later on as ‘it’s just clutter’ maybe it was just clutter I do not know but surely they could have just put it away in an album never to be seen again.

I’m not sure why you are getting a hard time on here - supporting children is what parents do irrespective of the level of assistance that’s available. Clearly your parents have given you a lot in terms of money, opportunities, networking etc, a lot more than most parents are able to but that isn’t really relevant. It’s what parents do. I don’t think you owe than anything because they’ve given you lots.

You sound numb OP. Like you’ve put your parents and your relationship with them in a box and locked it firmly shut. Too painful or difficult to open and look inside. Better just to keep it all on the surface, nothing too personal. I bet you’ve got really good at this over the years.

Have you ever tried recently to have a more personal conversation with your parents? Are you prepared to go there? Something has triggered you to post on here - maybe the prospect of becoming a parent yourself is forcing your pain to the surface.

What’s your siblings relationship with your parents like? Are they similarly distant?

Oh give over. Do you not have people in your life you talk to out of a sense of duty. What’s she supposed to do, the nuclear option of just stopping any contact t? That’s terribly emotionally hard to do. What’s she getting out of it? That’s why you use someone to get something.

so I am using my mother when I message her and take her out for meals as I don’t want to do any of those things and our relationship is superficial. What am I using her for? The sick feeling I get for a day before I see her , feeling ill after I see her? I’m intrigued.

It's absolutely your choice, OP, and it's perfectly OK not to be close to your parents. Just live your life however you like, and keep your parents at a distance.