AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

But then they treated hey like a stranger for 35 years, sooooo you reap what you sow.

It might not be malicious but it doesn't reflect well on you.

No one is suggesting you should have fended for yourself since the day you were born , what are you talking about . Really you need a different therapist or something . You are about to become a parent yourself .

No they did not. They did give us gifts like everyone who attended was I supposed to say no to them ?

Maybe so but some have said in variations of ‘but you felt fine taking from them’ maybe u misunderstood what they meant

Why aren't you cutting them out of your life altogether?

They are not emotionally part of it and never have been, and the calls seem to be just a dutiful act that you don't enjoy.

Wouldn't it be better so they they know where you stand rather than continuing with the pretense? Or do you plan to continue like this, forget to tell them about the birth, forget to tell them the sex, name, etc...

Yes, this. I didn’t go to boarding school or have an upbringing anything like OP’s and my parents would probably describe themselves as interested and loving towards me. For various reasons however I feel differently and keep them at arm’s length as an adult. I have absolutely no desire to tell them anything about my life so I can understand why OP feels like this. Ultimately nobody is obliged to be close to their parents.

No one forgets to mention they are 30+ weeks pregnant. You are trying to punish them in some way, even if only subconsciously.

OP I've seen threads before where I've thought that the person needs to either find a way to forgive their parents and move forwards or they need to make a final decision to go NC. Instead they keep their parents around but don't forgive them and treat them like a whipping boy form their pain. This is toxic and will poison other aspects of their life. I don't know if this is you but you need to go back to therapy and explore this.

You have done nothing wrong @BeBreezyAquaFinch . You were always going to get posters attempting to manipulate you in to thinking that parents have rights, no matter how badly they treat their children. It says an awful lot about them and their parenting. No one likes a mirror held up to them.
My children will always know that I am here for them, interested in their lives and that I love them. That seems to me, to be a very basic requirement of parenting.
Your parents are the definition of 'you reap what you sow'.

Live your life, raise your children, be happy and do not waste any time trying to right their mistakes. They* *are the ones who need to change here, not you 💐

There is just no plausible way that during your engagement and entire planning stage of the wedding that you simply "forgot" to mention it to your parents or invite them. I mean, come on. Your DH or in laws never mentioned once meeting them beforehand, who is on the guest list, walking you down the aisle etc? That's before even getting in to not mentioning your pregnancy. Can you not see how very odd this all is? They are right to be upset, especially if you have never actually told them how you feel about your upbringing

Not at all. They just sound to have provided quite generously previously so I wondered how much ongoing financial impact they had on your life.

Good luck with your new baby OP. I think being a mum yourself may make your relationship with your parents more unfathomable to you - I certainly couldn’t imagine sending my kids to boarding school.

You are an absolutely classic case of boarding school syndrome.

I’m sorry but you know your parents exist - I don’t believe for a minute, you just ‘forget’ they do. You are clearly still processing your childhood. I hate making comparisons, but I will as I think you need a reality check. Some children are genuinely brought up by numerous strangers in care of the state. In a few weeks time, you yourself will become a parent and I’m telling you now, you won’t be perfect. You will make decisions based on the information you have and what you think will be best for your child. Honestly build bridges with your parents and maybe they can redeem themselves as grandparents. Good luck OP

I would agree that you didn’t ‘forget’.

You had a fair few phone calls with your mum and i imagine that you maybe felt a bit awkward breaking your news as you lack that close bond. I get that.

I would also agree with a PP that your mum is likely more upset because of how it makes her look to others in her social circle. My mum was the same with certain aspects of my wedding involvment.

I would think you need to explore further what you want from the relationship. And be honest with your parents about why you feel such a lack of bond with them, as it’s reasonable.

Not telling your parents would indicate to me that you have a real problem with them. It's perfectly reasonable to have those feelings because sending you to boarding school has in some way, traumatised you. But I think it's disingenuous to say you forgot, you didn't want to tell them, again, perfectly reasonable if you don't trust them or like them. I guess it's what you do with these feelings going forward. Have you ever spoken to them about their decisions to send you away to school and expressed your feelings to them?

They gave you a privileged upbringing (we can discuss farming out to boarding school separately), but you lived a sweet & financially affluent childhood. It clearly stunted your emotional relationship with your parents, but if you’re not estranged & talk on the phone etc, why on earth didn’t you mention you were pregnant? ESP since it’s huge news & you’re so excited etc?
I’d mention that stuff even to complete strangers at the supermarket checkout.

“Mumtobabyhavoc · Today 08:09
Lots to unpack here!
The most obvious, to me, is not telling parents about wedding/pregnancy because "I forgot" and "I didn't think they'd be interested." IMO, forgetting isn't a lie and neither is thinking parents wouldn't be particularly interested. I do think OP wanted to sort of stick it to her parents a bit, get a hurt reaction as needed proof they might care and also to hurt them the way she feels they have hurt her.
Hurt is glaring here, really.
I think the forgetting is a coping mechanism, it's a way to avoid communicating to her parents something that's important to OP for fear of not getting a loving, caring, supportive response so as not to feel let down and alone; so the lack of emotion in their very emotionally distant relationship isn't made obvious yet again and so that OP doesn't have to deal with that, stuff it down, pretend it's ok.
OP, it's not okay. 💐
Please find another therapist to work through this some more and help you navigate the myriad emotions you must be feeling and will feel as a new mum. 💕”

I voted YABU because I don’t think you forgot – I think it was a deliberate decision and you should own it. But i think it’s this. I think there’s acting out going on on both sides – your parents made job and lifestyle choices which meant they were away from you a great deal of the time from when you were young. That has consequences and it could be said that the fortnightly phone calls from your mum are also performative. Looking after someone materially is not the same as looking after them emotionally.

However, it does sound like in many ways your upbringing set you up well for life – you have a strong friendship group, a successful marriage and you’re starting the family you want to have. So I think your parents did do some things right for you and simply treating them like distant relatives perhaps fails to recognise what they did do right.

But I am picturing a young girl who notices her friends’ parents are around a lot more and are much more interested in their children and who’s hurt by that. My DH had a fairly detached relationship with his parents but would be the first to say that they were excellent grandparents and it may be that your parents can also rise to that challenge. Have you tried talking to your parents about this? Could ulu imagine doing so?

Yes you were fine taking from them as an adult . What do you actually want from them now ?

It is a bit weird to not have mentioned it at all but I have a weird relationship with my mother, we aren’t very close emotionally as we just never really had the sort of relationship where I could talk to her growing up, and whenever she tried to act like we were close and hug me it was always for show in front of other people. As an adult I find it difficult when she tries to force us to be close and I dreaded telling her I was pregnant. Maybe, whether you meant to or not, there was a bit of you that sort of wanted to teach them a lesson?

You say they’ve never been interested in things you’ve done as an adult, did they attend your graduation? And do any of your siblings know you’re pregnant?

I think your parents never learned how to 'parent'. Not entirely their fault, their view of how to be a good parent became providing all the comforts of life. Did they go to boarding schools themselves, OP? Because a good way to open a dialogue might be to ask them about THEIR experiences of growing up. Now you're about to have your own child it is a good time to start that conversation. You might find out that their inability to parent affectionately and in an involved way was passed down to them. It will also explain why they aren't involved grandparents - they really don't know HOW to be. To them, love is expressed via money and other physical benefits.

You also need to be aware that it might affect the way you relate to your child - it's very easy to say 'I will overcome the downside of my upbringing', but it can be very much harder to do in real time.

From a diifferent perspective of someone seeing how this is playing out from an outside perspective - my sister in law is also well into pregnancy (I think shes due in November) and hasn't told her father (mother is dead). She's told her sister (my wife). I presume you've also told your sisters?

Her dad does not deserve the way my sister in law is treating him. He's definitely stuck in his Irish-rural ways, but hes not mean. Last month we stayed with him and went to sister-in-laws wedding. He decided not to go to the wedding, because over the last 6 months shes compltely ignored him, and left him to fend for himself after a stroke (we don't live in Ireland, she does and is about 90mins away from him). When we arrived at the wedding venue (day before the wedding, we spent the night before with them) she never asked once about him.

For context, my wife has actually already told her father that her sister is pregnant. When we got back to his house after the wedding, he asked if she really was pregnant and we said yes. And he was heartbroken.

Sister-in-law has history of doing this sort of thing, but this has been low even for her. There is no reason not to tell a parent that you're pregnant, because it will be a big deal to them.

Watching this play out in a different family, its actually incredibly sad to see the way that sister-in-law has been completely dismissive of her dad.

I'd think really carefully about why you're choosing to cut your parents out of your life, and if that really is something you want to do.

In the kindest possible way, you’re going to need to work on your parent issues as having a baby really does uncover all the crap, even the issues we thought we’d dealt with. You ‘forgetting they exist’ sounds very unhealthy. You’re creating even more distance so that their distance can’t hurt you. Or subconsciously or consciously punishing your mother for being distant by not telling her….

This baby may be a route to healing or bridging the distance, or it may cement the sense that you’re happier without them in your life. Your parents might show up as grandparents in the way they couldn’t as parents. Equally they may disappoint you further. You don’t know, but my encouragement (and I had very crap parents, plus they were poor so not even there for financial support) is that you’ll need to build a relationship that works for you that looks and feels healthier. Imagine telling your child at 5 that he/she doesn’t know her grandparents because you forgot about them.

You accuse your parents of being absorbed in their own lives - but can you not see that is exactly what you are doing? You all obviously have a lot in common.

I wouldn't have minded your upbringing.