AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Well, this might sound strange, if you had read the thread you would know they aren’t lawyers.

Still want to know whether you told any of your several sibs about the baby. And if so, whether they all decided not to tell your parents. (Weird!) And if you didn't tell any of your siblings . . . things get even weirder . . .

It has been answered.

Sorry. Could you summarize or send me to the page?

How do you think the rest of them will feel?

OP if your DF is a hedge fund manager, put 4 children through boarding school,
showed you the world at a young age, took you skiing and has a spare flat then they must of had lots of money. Or they come from wealth and someone else paid the school fees. Or your dads job was so
highly paid that his employer covered your school fees.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but to suggest that you’ve barely talked about wealth is untrue. Your family must have been incredibly wealthy for you to have had the upbringing you had.

Just read the OPs posts. But she has a closer relationship with her siblings and they have been giving her tips about the pregnancy. The siblings also appear to not speak to the parents much. The parents have cleared away photos of their other grand children as “ clutter”

This is very weird. No matter how distant you feel from them, you talk to them once a week. I literally can't understand how your wedding and baby doesn't come up in superficial chit chat. You sound very damaged, OP!

No. Read the thread!

Are you saying all wealthy parents are neglectful?

I don’t know what I had done to them. I think as a child it’s the parents that need to put in the effort to build a bond but as an adult I did try they weren’t interested. They have 8 grandkids that they’re not interested in, 3 other children that they don’t seem that bothered about. I’m not sure what else we can do. If they’d like to bond with my son they absolutely can I wouldn’t ever deny my son that chance, they’re great people despite it all but I don’t think they’ll even remember his name.

Some of their grandchildren they don’t know their names or how old they are or anything about them. I’m not a parent yet so cannot speak of their experiences but have seen how my siblings had adjusted to being parents and they’re all very great parents, very involved and have bonded with their children. I hope to do the same. I also hope that maybe they’ll be interested the door is always open and has always been open. I’ve tried many times but they didn’t seem to care I don’t think they’re malicious in any way I think that’s just how they are. It’s not cause upset it’s just the type of people they are shaped by their own experiences. My mother was glad she didn’t have to speak to her mother again when she passed.

Haha no. Nowhere did I say or even suggest that.

I do get what you are saying they do seem distant and remote, but I'm wondering if you are expecting too much from your parents. One of the few actual examples you give is them saying that sitting through the graduation of your cohort would be boring. I've just attended my sons graduation and it was hot and boring to sit through hundreds of other grads walk across the stage. If this is really the worst thing they have said then you are lucky. Also you said that you only saw them a few weeks of the year, where were you the rest of the long school holidays?

That the parents must be incredibly wealthy to have the neglectful upbringing she had.

That isn’t what I said though is it.

OMG. Read her updates!

We didn't tell DH's parents about our youngest until she was 9 months old. They've met her once.

We didn't forget, though. We didn't want to tell them. Neither did you.

We did, at least, not really tell them anything. I can imagine it has stung your mum more because you have talked to them every other week; but not mentioned this. There is a level of intent in that.

You do have to decide what you want, though. My DH would have preferred a better relationship with his parents but they aren't capable of change, so we're VLC to protect the children and prevent passing on further generational trauma; and because DH is happier that way. You can choose to be involved with them or choose not to be, but you've got to make your peace either way.

I thought I mentioned that my siblings know I’m expecting. Out of all us I speak to my parents more than they do but I do it out of duty. My siblings are a bit older and I guess they’ve just moved on with their lives now they have their own families. Maybe that will be the same for me once we have our son I don’t know all I know is that I do care about my parents and as much as our conversations are mundane and never anything of importance I enjoy our conversations.

My siblings know I had a miscarriage too we are quite close. My eldest brother had a baby, told us all (siblings) that his wife was expecting never mentioned it to our parents till the baby was born he just didn’t think they’d care about him. They’ve never really bothered with the grandchildren. I think my brother has moved on and has created a life for himself I see him often considering we live in different continents.

Well you did. She was neglected emotionally and you said her parents must be incredibly wealthy to give her the upbringing she had.

This is such sad reading.

I hope your little boy brings you all the love and acceptance you have been looking for. That in that you can find the strength or courage or desire to try and form a relationship with your parents that has meaning for you.

And I hope they find in themselves a way to let you know the love they feel for you and how important you are to them.

Are you absolutely sure that your parents don't know the names of their grandchildren? Ages and what they're like - yes, I can imagine. My parents have to calculate their GDCs' ages by reference to things that were happening in their lives when they were born, and they don't really know my children because we live so far away and they meet once a year. But they know how many grandchildren they have and they know all their names.

Are you 100% that if you picked up the phone to your mother or father and asked them to tell you the names of their 8 grandchildren, they couldn't do it?

Because OP suggested she hadn’t talked about wealth on the thread and I pointed about that many of the things her childhood involved cost a lot of money and parents would need to be very wealthy to be able to afford them. Or have substantial family wealth behind them.

That doesn’t mean I think wealthy people neglect their children or that OP feels neglected because her parents were wealthy.

Well she has been neglected because her parent left her to chase wealth.

I haven’t said they had or did not have a lot of money or are/aren’t wealthy. I am purely explaining my experiences I didn’t come to show off or anything I’m sorry if that is what it came across as but that was never my intention which is why I haven’t explicitly talked about wealth, I have talked about it in conjunction to other things / highlight my upbringing but the main post of my wealth wasn’t about the wealth of my parents. I understand I am extremely privileged and have had very privilege upbringing I know my parents gave me the very best with the resources they had and for that I am extremely grateful I can be grateful but also recognise that I sadly never had the chance/never will have the chance to build a bond with them. As a child yes that was never my responsibility but as an adult I have tried they don’t seem to want that bond not much I can do about it now. Maybe I should have told them about my son sooner, I thought about it at the start but then realised it doesn’t really matter to them their lives won’t change, they have 8 other living grandchild yet they don’t seem interested in them, mine won’t be any different. Maybe I should have told them that my husband proposed I just didn’t think they cared as I have seen their reactions to certain things my siblings have shared with them.