AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

You're obviously in a lot of emotional pain, OP, and still deeply wounded by the way your parents neglected you during your upbringing, and are emotionally distant in adulthood.

I say that, because you do seem to be withholding major life news from your parents out anger or spite. Unless you have autism or another issue that makes you incapable of understanding the most basic of basic social norms, then your 'I didn't think of telling them I'm pregnant, I forget they exist' sounds wholly disingenuous.

You speak to them every two weeks or so (I think you said), albeit about light topics, and I imagine you know as an adult that the appropriate social norm is to inform relatives and friends when you're pregnant. You may not want to admit it to yourself, but it's very clear you withheld the news deliberately.

You're not being unreasonable for doing so - you clearly have a lot of complicated feelings around your parents. From what you've written, I imagine you have more pain than you even realise, thoroughly repressed, and as you become a parent yourself, that pain will likely rise to the surface more sharply. Whatever your relationship with them in future, it's a good idea to sort through that anger and pain so you can move forward without it.

I said yabu but reading this post reminded me of something I read. If you don't listen to the small things kids say, they won't tell you the big things, as to them everything is a big thing. I feel this is where you are in your mind now. You've had a lifetime of not being listened to, so why tell them anything that's important to you.

I work at a RG university with well known academics - some regularly appear on TV, others are Nobel prize winners. One academic invented some sort of chip that is (or was) in most mobile phones - he in particular made a fortune from that. You'd be surprised at the wealth of some academics.

Forgive me if this has been answered. You have mentioned your multiple siblings. But have you told any of them about the pregnancy? Because surely they would have mentioned it in their own conversations with your parents. Something is reading very weirdly here! (Have you really not told even a brother or sister about your pregnancy?)

Maybe their first grandchild will help you all build a better bond.

She never said that they were academics, and has already confirmed that they were not.

That might help towards healing for you OP? Especially as your parents are quite elderly. I think some adults find it easier to be loving and involved with DGC than DC's.

Been and gone. This isn't the first. Helps sometimes to read at least the updates before replying.

You're the person who reported a thread you haven't read?

No, she has never said they were academics, at least read her posts before commenting.

"My siblings all have children, my parents have 8 grandchildren and they don’t seem really that interested in them."

"My siblings all have children, my parents have 8 grandchildren and they don’t seem really that interested in them."

I understand more clearly OP, you parents were not universoty lecturers. I don't know you so I might be wrong but having 4 children at boarding school, plenty of pocket money etc, a spare flat for you to live in and being a hedge fund manager denotes wealth in my world.

As PP said, parenthood might be triggering for you as it throws up overwhelmimg emotions right from the start and you might question your own upbringing.

As usual it's clear that a lot of people don't understand what it's like to have a parent that isn't interested in you. This idea seems to be inconceivable to a lot of people.

I don't think you were being unreasonable. Your mother probably tells herself - and her friends - that she's closer to you than she actually is. Mine does. That doesn't mean she makes an effort with me or my kids though. I think if I didn't ring her, we'd just never speak.

No harm to you but isn't that the whole point of the thread? That she is questioning her upbringing?

On the contrary I think a lot of people, including people posting on this thread, have experienced emotional neglect from parents unfortunately.

I’m beginning to wonder whether actually you are the one who wrongs, not your parents. If you really did think about telling them you are expecting, actually thought to yourself “oh, I wonder if I should tell my parents that I’m going to have a baby” and decided, after consideration, that they wouldn’t care and that therefore they wouldn’t be told - honestly, I think that seriously and cruelly fucked up. Cruel to you more than them but also them.

There an ENORMOUS gap between being interested in something in the smallest way possible and not wanting to know about it at all. It wouldn’t change anything at all in my life of the one remaining grandparent I’d never met died. But to not know that I have no remaining grandparents at all, after my dad had thought about it and decided I wouldn’t care/it wouldn’t change anything for me and therefore he wouldn’t tell me even in passing - cruel. And weird.

You have serious problems if you think your parents don’t even need to know that you’re getting married or are having a baby. They may not respond the way you want them to - that’s a different matter entirely. But to withhold this information deliberately (which, incidentally, could actually change things for them such as wills and next of kin stuff, who knows) because you’ve thought about it and decided they wouldn’t care to the point you wouldn’t tell them in your fortnightly phone calls …. please get help before you get to the meat of parenting yourself. Forget about how your parents feel. You seem to lack the most basic understanding of, I don’t know, just people.

I'm trying to catch up - I just missed the post about other grandchildren. It's still not impossible for the OP to attempt to build a bit of a relationship with her DPs and her own DC, given that her DM is so upset that she wasn't told about the pregnancy. They may well be just as disinterested in this DGC if they are genuinely not bothered about the others, but they might soften a bit in their older age?

The sad thing is that many of those people will have become parents themselves and will have so many issues to deal with due to their own upbringing, as well not having good parental role models, they may repeat the same mistakes as their parents. Or they may go in the opposite direction which can also be detrimental to children's development. However hard they try, however aware they are - and many are not - they will likely be less good parents than they otherwise would have been due to both their own nature and the nurture or lack of they experienced growing up. Easy for me to say: I have no children for various reasons but nature and nurture was a big one on the no list for me.

That is not the case in my family. We were all in and out of care and had horrifically neglected childhoods. The siblings who have had children are all wonderful parents - they are supportive, loving and involved in my nieces' and nephews' lives, as well as their DGCs lives. We all learnt what not to do, despite a lack of love or support in our own childhoods.

Did you read what I quoted?

Lawyers might be able to send 4 children to boarding school and move around to the counties OP has mentioned.

9th grandchild I think if they wanted to they would have bonded with their 8 living grandchildren.

You haven’t read the thread have you?

There are NINE of them.

OP. When you were home from school what kinds of memories do you have of your parents ? What activities did you do together ? Who taught you to ride a bike and swim etc ?