AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago and the first thing my mother said to me when she broke the news was ‘thank god I don’t have to see or speak to her again’ my mother spoke to her mother almost every single day and saw her very very frequently.

Maybe sending you to boarding school was the best thing that they ever did, if they had raised you themselves, you could have been stuck in this cycle too, or not feeling the emotional bond but having to pretend you do for the rest of your days.

As long as you can cultivate perfectly functional relationships with other people, than you don't need to worry about the relationship with your parents, keep them updated by all means, but I'd even go so far as to stop the fortnightly "conversations", anything that you do ONLY because you feel obligated to is never going to be good for you, and if all you do is go through the motions so you can mentally tick it off, then what is the point?

I think I might have not explained it very well

Oh, come on. If you barely/never speak to them it could be more understandable and clearly you feel very detached from them which I get.

But you do speak fairly regularly! Would you speak to a friend that often and just never mention something that big? Even if catch ups are mainly surface level chats, you cannot use the excuse that they never asked! Even very engaged parents don't want to be intrusive or upset someone who may be struggling with something. It is not unreasonable at all for your mother to be upset imo and I agree with PP - either you forgot you were pregnant (which I don't believe for a moment) or you made a choice not to mention it on numerous occasions when speaking to your parents.

I would say the same thing tbh if you were speaking about a distant relative who you care about enough to speak to regularly on the phone.

It makes sense that you feel quite detached and built your life outside of them to a great extent. However, the fact that you do speak to them pretty regularly makes this very hard to understand and sure as hell would feel like a terrible punishment to me if one of my dds truly thought I wouldn't give a shit.

It isn’t normal to not see your child for months on end, and then when they do come home you don’t bother being there for them. There is nothing normal about that.

I’d think it a bit odd that parents who hadn’t seen their children who boarded overseas for months wouldn’t move heaven and earth to see them in the holidays.

It doesn’t sound from the OP’s description that we’re talking here about a set of ‘present’ parents having a couple of weeks holiday away from their teens.

I feel sorry for you (and your parents) that their wealth has led you and your siblings to have such an emotionally impoverished lives. I do hope that you and your DH are able to break that model with how you raise your child(ren). I agree with the majority of the PP here that you are quite possibly in denial about your reasons why you withhold information about important life events from your parents. You keep repeating here that your parents (and particularly your mother) don't seem bothered/interested/curious/care about how you are doing. And that may well be the truth. But you also have said that your mother was upset that you didn't let her know about your pregnancy earlier. Perhaps something is changing in her as she is aging? Why don't you try asking her the next time you have one of your "obligatory" phone chats? I wouldn't assume that how someone has been is how they will always be. But even if they haven't changed, what's stopping you from moving your conversations with them beyond superficial political world events? Have you or your siblings told them how you actually consider them distant relatives rather than mum and dad?

I’m trying I wasn’t exactly disciplined growing up

You speak really fondly of your siblings so if any of them knew you are pregnant, then did they not ask you if you’d told your parents? And if they spoke with you about that, then it would be really difficult to “forget” to tell your parents…

Something is not adding up here. As some others have said, perhaps more therapy would be a good idea for you to work through your feelings towards your parents. When you’ve had your child, then parenting will be at the front of your mind and it is bound to trigger thoughts and feelings of how you were parented. I wish you well with everything.

That’s no normal parenting, that’s a firm rejection.

As a child she was boarding for 6 months of the year and then for good chunks of the holidays she wasn’t allowed in the family home, or if she was her parents would stay elsewhere.

She’s obviously hardened her heart to her parents and permanently downgraded their importance in her life. which is fair enough honestly.

OP you’re getting such a hard time on here! Fuck people can be so nasty. I would say yes it’s unusual not to tell a parent you’re pregnant, but to call you names like spoilt brat is completely uncalled for

Sorry Op but this made me laugh.
I actually do think your relationship with your parents got stuck when you were relatively young and hasn't moved on from there.
But I don't think that is your fault or entirely your responsibility.

You withhold information because they withheld interest in you.
You are trying to provoke but don't really have a means to do it beyond finding a fairly passive way to be hurtful.
But what you actually want is a declaration of love - and that feels out of reach.

My mum was raised in a boarding school from age 5 and only went home during the holidays. She was very detached from her parents. It was an awkward relationship, I witnessed their conversations. It was cold and lacked any warmth. Really strange as if they were distant relatives and not close at all. She did write them a letter once a month like she did in boarding school to keep them up to date with news. When I was a teenager she asked me to ring them on Sundays to update them instead. I did and she stopped writing to them, but this meant I didn’t really pass anything on apart from peasantries as I didn’t think they really cared about my award in school or that I made a new friend or that mum started going to a new church. As a result they used to complain to me a lot that they didn’t know about certain things, when they cropped up in a conversation. I stopped phoning them every week. It would be once a month until I eventually stopped. I realised my mum didn’t want the responsibility of keeping in touch with her own parents. But nor did I want that now as we were not close at all. I went away to university and didn’t call them once. When her parents died she did not cry once. She even said to me that she cannot make her self feel anything for them. I think that in order to feel bonded to parents, you have to be raised by them and have daily communication. Otherwise you are perfect strangers and it’s difficult telling strangers all of your business, as we tend to save that for close people. Do you have other siblings? Are they the same way with them?

Realistically you can tell them when you like. Your posts are a bit contradictory though - you didn't think to tell them/forgot, is different to not telling them because you didnt think they'd care .

My own brother did not tell our parents that his wife was expecting till their baby was born. I told my siblings they’re even aware I had a miscarriage. They’ve been very supportive as it’s our first baby so my sister has been giving me advice and tips for various things. I think we are all quite detached from our parents, my brother probably more so they have all moved on and built a life for themselves, they have their own families and are wonderful fathers. We have all discussed how we feel about our parents it’s nothing malicious we just don’t really know them and never had the chance to build that bond with then. My older siblings are in their 40s to them the time has passed they’ve moved on I remember my older sister’s first pregnancy she really struggled but has since just got on with life and made room for those that are interested. She’s a wonderful mother and loved her children more than anything.

You explained it fine. Your parents cared so little that they didn't even spend the entire quarter of a year they had with their children actually with their children.

Most people are just trying to give you a hard time because you had a privileged upbringing, you dare to not treat your mum as your best friend, you are closer to your ILs, they are projecting because they aren't great parents themselves, they haven't read all your posts or they have no clue what it's like to only communicate with parents out of obligation and with nothing deeper than the weather discussed (I know your parents are very much deeper than the weather but the same emotional level towards you). Any or all of the above applies. Plus some just like to kick any OP.

There's nothing normal about not seeing your own children for the majority of the year, and on the opportunities you do get to see them, handing them over to relatives or older siblings to look after.

Exactly! There can be some kind of emotional stunting from boarding schools, particularly if the parents are not very warm / engaged to start with.

I used to work with a guy who went to boarding school from a very young age. He had the same sort of relationship with his parents and I remember him saying to me one day How can I love people I don't really know. I guess it's the same for you. You love them because they are your parents, but feel very distant from them. If your mum is saddened by that and that you didn't tell her of your pregnancy then she just has to own that the situation is caused by decisions her and your dad made when they were younger......and this is the result.

Let her get on with it OP, she made her bed.

OP I am curious what you said to your mum when she got upset?

also what kind of grandparents are they to your nieces and nephews? your mum sounds like mine, although we don’t talk nearly as often. My mother changed her attitude a lot when I had children. she became much more loving and interested. before, she never called or had any interest in my life. now we actually speak a fair bit, although it’s still a bit weird.

Very strange behaviour not telling your parents. A major life event? I mean you’d mention it to your neighbours in passing if you stopped for a chat.

I understand what you mean OP. Your parents provided for you in every way they could with money, but clearly there was no proper emotional attachment with them. No sitting down with your parents whilst you talked about your problems or feelings. When that happens in childhood you just naturally detach and that’s what’s happened with you.
As you said, they’re more like distant relatives. People who have good relationships with their parents don’t understand that feeling.

Exactly this

I agree. I talk to my parent 1-2 a year (it’s a long story) and we have very guarded conversations where we often talk about politics rather than more personal things. I have had more profound conversations with someone at the bus stop.

OP congratulations on your pregnancy, you have a chance now for breaking the cycle - wishing you all the best.

I’m glad you are close with your siblings and that you all support eachother. It’s interesting that you haven’t answered my question though about whether you discussed telling your parents with them. Maybe you were influenced by what your brother had already done by not telling his/your parents about his own child until after the birth….either consciously or unconsciously. Although you have told them now. Are you expecting your parents to have a distant relationship with your child and is there anything you would want to do to mitigate that?

There’s no judgement from me by the way. We’re all products of our own upbringing.