AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

My guess, OP, is that underneath (possibly far underneath) all the indifference you express here, you actually found your parents' approach to caring for you extremely hurtful, and that on some level you are trying to protect yourself from more harm (eg you telling them and they don't care) and maybe punishing them a little bit as well.

My husband had a similar relationship with his parents and was brought up by a nanny. On the surface he's absolutely fine about it, underneath not fine at all and it comes out sometimes. He also found it difficult to manage when his mum expected more closeness as she got older or expressed regrets about not having been around more- yes, she might have had a better relationship with her adult children if she had been present at all when they were small, but the adult children are not the people she should have gone to for sympathy about that.

I would encourage you to think about what sort of relationship you want to have with them (more or less than now) and how you get from here to there. You might also find it helpful to have some therapy especially if you're hoping to do things different with your own child.

You do realise people can name change?

I understand your position, OP - but there's a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, it's not very 'normal' to forget to invite your parents to your wedding or tell them so late on they are expecting a grandchild. But, I think that pregnancy makes one question one's own family and upbringing.

This certainly happened to me. I had therapy when pg with my first because I suspected there was a ton of complex stuff to explore that I didn't want my child to be impacted by. It was really useful and it's something you might want to explore.

Secondly, I can understand why your mother was hurt but I also think it's quite common with this sort of English upbringing - kids packed off to boarding school etc - for the parents to frame their children's childhoods completely differently than how they really are. My DH is one example. His mother is very emotionally immature - DH went to boarding school at 8 and barely sees or speaks to his parents in adulthood (think visits once a year max, a phone call every couple of months). Yet his mother seems to think they are a 'very close family'.

I’m curious why you didn’t think your mother would be interested in news of a future grandchild? Even with the most distant, toxic parent/child relationships, this is good news to share, not just drop into conversation a few weeks before due date.

Awful post.

It is not awful though it is quite simply the truth.

They did ask and I just said I doubt they’d care. I said to my sister they threw her sons picture away and admitted ‘it was clutter’ their words.

I don’t expect them to do anything that they wouldn’t want to do. There’s no expectation on my end they’re free to choose if they’d like to have a relationship with our son I’ll welcome that if they’d like to keep it distant I’ll accept that. I’m not looking to tell then how to be grandparents I’m not even a parents yet. Maybe my views will change once I have my own son. All I know is that I’d like to build a strong bond with my son he will know he’s loved by us. We are more than excited to meet him and are very much looking forward to starting our own little family. We’ve been married 3 years and before that we were together for 7 years I think now is a great time for us to have a family. DH is very excited to be a dad. He an uncle and loves his nephews so so much. We often look after them while his brother and his wife have a day/night to themselves etc it’s solidified our intention to have a child and we know it won’t be easy at all but after having a miscarriage we’ve never wanted anything more and are willing to put in the work.

Kindly OP, I think you need some form of therapy. Your relationship with your parents is not what concerns me, but the fact you see that you didn’t think to tell them you are having a baby as completely normal, is very NOT normal.

I know others who have been to boarding school and have very difficult relationships with their parents. All are in therapy.

Others may have said this and you may already know this. Children are not in control of how they are raised. You may have experienced a lot of privilege growing up but a lot of the basic needs were outsourced. It really hits home when you become the parent and those choices are in your control.

You may speak to your parents but it sounds transactional and routine, almost like it is repeating those letters you sent as a child. Perhaps your detachment from your parents is because despite that written contact back then they never really made an effort to understand or provide a safe mental space for you.

Your parents may have been providing you the best they could offer because life was too hectic for them. They may have provided the best because it cost the most and in their world cost equals quality. Or it could be that that they were repeating how they were parented and really were unable to raise you with love, so detached from the process. You won't know unless you feel comfortable speaking to them about it. It sounds like your siblings have buried it and moved on. It doesn't mean that you must do the same.

Focus on the positives. You are going to be a parent soon and you have begun to understand the circumstances around how you were raised. You have a happy marriage and strong bonds with your siblings. You have also engaged with therapy and have made progress. It is worth continuing with that once you have the time again. Parenting your son will unearth more skeletons from your upbringing.

Whatever reason for the way you were raised. Your mum expected better access to your life updates. If she doesn't use it to be a grandmother and she just wants to know, it is more transactional in nature. However, because of the way you were raised and the feelings it elicited you may not have wanted to be ignored again, during periods of vulnerability.

Don't worry about being unreasonable. Sometimes we act as if to protect ourselves. Digging into the triggers will make you a better parent.

No, it's awful. Shows no understanding at all. Lucky poster.

I simply don’t believe you. In some twisted way you are gleefully punishing them.

Maybe I do I guess I’ll find out soon enough

I thought I’d left it late waiting 4 months due to fear about miscarriage! By your stage, you’ve probably told people who are just acquaintances but not your own parents? You say you’re not bitter about your childhood but it’s ok to have negative feelings about it which I think you do. This lack of sharing info gives you a sense of control back, it’s not about forgetting your parents exist, be honest with yourself. It might be helpful to have a few sessions with a therapist because having a baby can bring up all sorts of emotions about your own family that you didn’t know were there.

Your pregnancy is your news, so you get to decide whom you tell and when.

But it’s true . The op did not need to accept the flat in London or anything else and they do need to do some work here , clearly .

Agree.
My eldest brother never said anything to our parents when his wife was expecting. Till their baby was born. He now has 4 children, has been to therapy and is a wonderful father having built a great life for himself and his family. I think he just managed to let it all go and just move on with life I see him pretty often and his children I suppose everyone is different

What kind of parent do you think you will be? Is there a chance you will ‘forget’ you have a child.?

You need to own your decisions. Instead of weak excuses like 'forgetting' like its not your fault

You chose not to tell them.

Either you intensely dislike them or looking to be vengeful

So then you know you were being unreasonable and can be kinder to your mother in the future and make an effort.

I don't blame you given their lack of interest in the past. But personally for my own sake I would try to be the bigger person and do better than them. Also see how you find being a parent first, you may find you see them in a new light, one way or another. And I agree with the comments about therapy.

You’re right but I was also 22 I like to think I was very young at that age. I should have known better and gone out into the world and fended for myself but I did not. I was a silly 22 year old.

I spent ages 0-22 relying on them I am in a great financial position now because of them regardless of whether I have taken any money from them since. I am not ungrateful for the opportunities they have given me I’m very grateful two things can be true at the same time I can be very grateful but also quite detached based on many factors in my childhood.

Or third option, she’s just used to not talking about herself because her parents don’t show any interest so she’s just following the same pattern they had for years.