AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

You’re assuming that those(two way, caring) conversations naturally happen for everyone. That is not always the case. Some adult children are conditioned to never really talk about themselves (through years of disinterest) , some adult children deliberately hide things as they can’t be bothered with the drama (things they say being used against them, the parent making it all about themselves etc.).

So in your phone conversations, did you talk about other things in your life that you thought they would be more interested in?
Or did you only talk about things they asked about? (Many tactful parents would not ask "are you pregnant" in case you were failing to conceive and didn't want to talk about it.)
Or was the conversation entirely about them and their activities?

It's difficult to understand how you could genuinely forget to tell them. Perhaps easier to imagine you deliberately not mentioning it when you started telling other people (perhaps out of resentment that they weren't more involved), and then feeling awkward about telling them later on because you realised it was going to have upset them.

Stop the pretence of forgetting to tell them.
Nobody forgets their wedding or their baby.

You withheld the information - perhaps in the hope of goading a response, upsetting them at a future stage, or just proving how remote they are.

You may well be right. They might have been awful parents.

But I'm interested in why you started this thread because it looks to me like you want a reaction - maybe any reaction - from somebody. MN in place of your parents. A chance to have the argument but from the safety of your laptop/phone.

You are about to become a parent. So the timing of the thread/argument is obvious.

Some therapy - or more therapy - wouldn't go amiss. Its clearly bothering you.

We’d visit cousins and various relatives, grandparents as they were retired. When we got older sometimes my parents would be in America and we would be at the house in England on our own but we were ages 15+

No, that's not what the OP said. She said she is the only one out of her siblings who has tried to bring up their upbringing with them. The others just accept that that's the way they were/are and have accepted it and moved on but they still talk to them. At least that's how I interpreted it anyway. People are trying really hard to make the parents into uncaring villains here for some reason when honestly, that doesn't seem to be the case at all

"Never asked me if I plan to have children" could be a matter of tact. Possibly they were plagued by their parents saying "but when are you going to have children", and didn't want to do the same to you.

What if you assumed they cared?

Changed your interactions with them for the better. Start involving them, invite them to stay nearby when the baby is a few weeks old. See what happens.

All very strange OP , in a kind way I think you might need to have more therapy.

you should have told them months ago , the same time you told your DH”s parents. Same as when you got engaged you tell both sides at the same time. And so on.

I do understand strained relationships I’m NC with siblings LC with parents and step parent now I’m in my 50s. And not had a good upbringing. I became a parent as a teenager and even with my upbringing the first people I told about my pregnancy were my parents. That’s the right thing to do.

you don’t want to carry this on through the generations so try some decent therapy to get it all out of your system. Ive had therapy myself after a breakdown to try not to pass generational trauma on.

It seems like you are punishing your parents for your childhood.
I don't believe that one can forget to mention pregnancy or marriage to their parents if they are in contact, even if they are not close.

Oh and people don’t tend to ask if you plan to have children. My DP of 20years and I are childless due to my health, the polite people just don’t ask.

I don’t have the pleasure or the privilege to talk to my best friends on the phone every other week or so - so this is a consistent and reciprocal relationship seemingly without any conflict. Even if it’s the tone of a neighbour you would have mentioned your pregnancy in the many calls you would have had to date and also with your wedding plans - not to mention your engagement etc over many many months. Not adding up to me.

What about your siblings - you must have told them if you have the detail about their one other grandchild - did they not say have you told Mum and Dad and if not would they have not mentioned it to them.

Gosh, that sounds hard.
I still remember the one time I got home and my mum was too busy to give me time. To have this happen repeatedly must have been really hard. I’m sorry @BeBreezyAquaFinch . I’m sending you a massive maternal hug 🫂 (I’m a bit older than you)

Maybe you’re right. Maybe subconsciously that’s what I intended to do.

My brother had a baby and did not tell our parents till he was born, he told us, none of us thought to even tell our parents. He didn’t tell us not to but I think we are all so detached. Even then they weren’t so fussed they just wished them the best. I think my brother is different to me he just got on with life and is very happy he has 4 children now and has built a life for himself abroad. I see the children quite often so do my other siblings we are all there for one another. It’s not as though the children don’t see family members they do, my mothers family, fathers fathers family their mothers family etc

Pot/kettle

I'd be upset but I've been an involved parent .

And that's the difference, is it not?

It doesn't sound like OP's parents have been very involved, so it's unsurprising that OP doesn't have much of a relationship with them as an adult.

I find your reply quite cruel.

Your parents were like very distant relatives all your life and that’s how you treat them. I get it.

Some people think consciously or unconsciously you’ve set out to hurt them back, but you’re the only one placed to examine that and see if that’s really the case.

It is very far outside most people’s experience or expectations to have such a distant relationship with parents, so that will influence responses. However, your detachment is an entirely natural response to the environment you encountered growing up. I suspect it didn’t come easily and developed over many years.

Your parents may want a closer relationship now they’re older and perhaps wiser. Maybe ask them. But they’re not entitled to it. only you have the right to decide if it’s worth it for you and your children.

I think maybe my family operates differently. I remember conversations with my grandma when she first met my husband and she asked us if we plan to have children. I guess they’re of a different generation. That was just an example as various relatives have asked in the past even at our wedding. That’s not to say they have to ask that was just an example.

It’s easy if you’re used to never talking about yourself and you are never asked about yourself.

As an ex-boarder from 8 years, talking to my parents every other week in adulthood sounds stifling! And you didn’t slip in the fact you were pregnant? Very strange. This is more about you, I feel.

My boarding schooled DP has a very strained and weird relationship with his parents and siblings. He doesn’t speak to them half as often as you speak to your parents. But he still includes them. You clearly have unresolved issues. Maybe now is the time to speak to your parents about it, they might regret how you were brought up and want to try to do things differently with grandchildren. My Daps parents do regret it, the relationship they have with our children is not the same as with my parents who we see weekly and are involved, but they do care and do love our kids, and children need as many people that care about them as possible in the world. Regardless of how those people show love, as long as they are not actually abusive or dangerous people then it’s worth trying to forge a path where they can be involved even from a distance or in their own way. Shutting them out is detrimental to your child . DPs dad is totally incapable of spending time alone with the grandchildren, has no ability to be a typical grandparent or even converse with the kids at their level, but he shows love in other ways, sends lovely gifts, has helped out with much needed expensive things, he does love them but we have just had to accept his way of showing it and our kids know he loves them and are excited to see him on our limited visits despite how he is. More people who love your child is better even if they don’t show love in the same way you think they should.

I think I get where you are coming from OP. I had a very different upbringing to you, but also with parents that were just not interested in me or my life. I don't think it is being sent to boarding school that is the issue. I am sure there are lots of DC that go to boarding school, but still have caring involved parents. It sounds like they were not there for you emotionally ever, and that is tough, and has life long effects.

It sounds like you are dealing with this the best you can. A warning though, as your DC grows it will likely bring it all into sharp focus, because you will compare how you were parented to how you are doing it, and it will sting when you realise you just couldn't do that to your DC. Definitely worth considering more therapy at some point. As far as how you treat your parents, I think do whatever works for you. You don't owe them anything.

I get it OP. Your parents chosen the dynamic between you from a very young age and your role in the relationship does not include talking about yourself. Perhaps you felt self conscious or like you would be accused of being dramatic if you announced your pregnancy? I don’t think you truly forgot, but I don’t think you did anything wrong either.

I have a similar thing with my DM. she never asks me anything about myself and in the past when i did say something it would be met with criticism. When I was 24 she made a comment that she thought it was weird i didn’t tell her I was moving to the US. I thought it was an unfair comment from her since I did tell her - i just didn’t “announce” it, i brought it up at a relevant time exactly like you have. Also it made no difference to her, I could have easily not told her and she wouldn’t have found out / noticed. It took her another 6 years to ask what my career was in “because her friends were asking her so she thought she should find out”.

I also went to boarding school. It’s not the school that does it exactly, but there’s probably a tendency for parents like ours to choose boarding because they don’t want the day to day closeness with their children.

Completely agree! I think you might have meant to quote OP, though.

You were ages 15+? What ages were the other siblings. If the were 18+ I see this as totally normal when I was growing up - parents often went away leaving older siblings to care for younger siblings of ages much younger than 15. But you have trauma from this normal event?

Well you know that your relationship with your parents is different from other people's family relationships and I think you'd like to change it - or at the very least for them to acknowledge they might have failed you.

I think you want to talk about it with them but are perhaps scared at their response and whether that might upset you further. So you are left a bit stuck - needing to resolve your feelings and there being no mechanism to do so.

But I think therapy would support you to come to terms with it and build something better (with or without greater involvement from them).