AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

I was expecting to read something along the lines of abuse or neglect. Instead I see bank accounts being topped up, skiing holidays and wild parties.

My heart bleeds.

Some people are not scared by boarding school. But I bet a mention there will be more people feel abandoned than not .it's basically getting someone else to do your parenting more than half the year just with schooling added on .no one should be left to professionals to tuck them in at night .I can see why op feels no hatred after therapy but it's an odd way to bring up children

@BeBreezyAquaFinch congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope all goes well. From your posts you seem to have a great relationship with your husband and you have already agreed to not send your child to boarding school.
Your childhood reads as though you were indulged materially and with everything money could buy. However your parents failed to spend time with you and presumably your siblings, developing relationships and nurturing you. It's sad to see they have continued this by not being interested in the grandchildren they have now. Hopefully you and your siblings are closer and your child will have great relationships with their cousins.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and I bet you cannot wait to hold and cuddle your baby.

I'm a boarding school kid and then grew up in a blended family. You don't always see the disfunctionality until later in life.
I would offer mother a cover story for the unintentional snub. I would write to her and lie/exaggerate my anxiety for the pregnancy after a precious loss at age 35.

You sound so cold. Honestly that is so abnormal. Im devo I can't share with my parents Im pregnant.

I don't believe you genuinely forgot to tell them about being heavily pregnant or nearly forgot to invite them to the wedding. Sounds like you it's deliberate and you are trying to make a point but it make you sounds ridiculous.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch Did you ask your sister not to mention it to anyone in your family?

You randomly keep ‘forgetting about them’ when thinking about your wedding and upcoming baby. Yeah that’s a you thing.

On the small chance this is real, and not another boarding/wealth bashing thread, get more therapy.

They cared enough to give you a great education and stability instead of moving around. There are parents who would never invest in their children’s education, nor care if the children have to move all the time.

They made memories with you, didn’t just leave you on exeat weekends. I think you are cold and I’m hurt for your parents.

hopefully your other sibling is warmer and a bit more grateful

When did you tell other people? This is what's odd about you forgetting to tell them about the pregnancy (or invite them to you wedding). Even if you're not close, this is a grandchild to them and it's pretty major news. Like moving house, starting a new job, getting married, getting divorced, a major health diagnosis etc, these are those headline news things.

When we told people about our pregnancies, I knew more distant relatives would find out through the family grapevine - we told our parents, siblings and grandparents directly then I know my aunts and uncles, cousins, etc found out. I phoned or texted friends, colleagues I told in person. We didn't make a big social media announcement but it was mentioned on there, not a secret, so I know my wider friend groups knew.

It is very odd that you didn't even mention it to them in a casual way. Like not even after the 20 week scan.

I know that some people like to keep a pregnancy quiet because that's their choice (eg mum at school who we had no idea was pregnant until she turned up at a group breastfeeding a baby) but that it doesn't sound like that's what's happened here.

It's obvs a symptom of the distant childhood you had but I think it's very naive to think this wouldn't matter to them.

I had gifts and well-wishes from such a wide circle way beyond anyone I'd have contacted directly - a beautiful teddy that we still have from an older lady at my parents' church, a hand crocheted blanket from someone who was in the armed forces with one of my parents, a hand quilted and embroidered quilt from my primary best mate's mum, and so on.

I think maybe you've vastly underestimated the impact of a new human being entering the world and all those spider web connections of people like the women mentioned above who are so excited through another person who is excited and loves you are part of that village.

I am sad for you that you've not had a close relationship with your parents and I don't think that bad parents or arms length parents deserve to be heavily involved in the lives of their children but even from a non-emotional administrative perspective, I don't know how or why it wouldn't even cross your mind to inform them that you were pregnant before the eleventh hour.

It is of course your choice to tell who and when but it doesn't sound like a choice was involved here.

It may be worth remembering the ‘a few weeks a year’ tends to be ~18 weeks, plus exeat weekends, plus frequent phone contact.
Many kids, including me, thrive. However others, especially those who are sent too young (primary age) or have dysfunctional home environments, don’t.

I don’t doubt that boarding school has shaped some of this as there is a lot of hurt but it is hard to see from your posts what they’ve done that is so wrong. Parents aren’t perfect. It sounds like they provided a lot financially and tried to provide in that way but were a bit more distant and less obviously affectionate.

I had my own childhood emotions to deal with when becoming a parent. My mother is schizophrenic and had many periods during my childhood when she was an inpatient and did really have to deal with some traumatic situations. I could have never punished her by choosing to forget to mention pregnancy or my wedding. There is something really deep seated there that is pretty toxic that you need to work through properly.

Did you tell your siblings? I find it hard someone's not mentioned it to your parents.

Throwing out a photo of her grandchild and calling it clutter is a big hint towards it. None of OPs siblings talk to their parents is probably another. Both parents though not just the mother.

They don't talk to them. OP is the only one who tries.

Do you ever see your parents? What are your relationships with your siblings like?
I think that you'll probably need some emotional support when baby is born - I found that a lot about my upbringing (narc mother) bubbled up when I had my children

Well I can understand this, having had multiple miscarriages myself and one time my dad who was really hard of hearing, I was having to shout down the phone whilst crying that I’d had yet another miscarriage, we didn’t tell our parents til the second trimester, and some friends didn’t know till a few weeks before as we’d just not spoken to them and I didn’t put anything on Facebook.
I didn't go to boarding school either but can see that parents may end up being more distant especially if they’re abroad so you rarely see them. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents for different reasons, however, I did say my kids would be brought up very differently, and I think that you now have this blank slate with your own children so they’re not phoning you feeling disappointment that they’re not in your close group. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and the new arrival when they come

It is not your fault that there is no emotional connection to your parents. It was their job to build that loving connection with you. They clearly were unable to have warm loving relationships with their children, just as they cannot have warm loving relationships with their grandchildren. So it is not surprising that you are not bonded to your parents at all.
It is very sad that you are getting criticised on here for not having feelings for your parents. As you say you don’t hate them but it sounds like you are just indifferent to them as you imagined they were indifferent to you. So now you are surprised that your mum was hurt she didn’t know earlier about your pregnancy.
As parents we reap what we sow, so your parents did not sow a bonded relationship with their children so she can hardly now be surprised that you are not bonded with her. She will get over it.

The main thing now is you have a happy marriage and are excited for your future baby and you won’t repeat any of the patterns of your childhood.

I think this is really the question. OP described a 'distant' relationship with her parents but then told us she speaks to them every fortnight. That isn't 'distant'.

She told us she 'forgot' but clearly didn't.

She claims to have hardly seen her parents growing up - well, is that actually true, or was it actually more like 18 weeks a year?

She thought her mum wouldn't care - but everything she has detailed about her parents other than that final drip feed about the photo sounds like a parent who cares and is doing their best for their child.

I have met a lot of 'boarding school survivors' and I've seen the best and worst of boarding school parents and OPs parents really do sound like perfectly ordinary parents who have to live overseas for work but want the best education for their child. That in itself does not make them emotionally distant - quite the opposite!

Currently the OP hasn't given any detail other than the photo that suggests her parents actually are or were emotionally distant or dont/didnt care. However, there are several things she has claimed that don't fit with the details she has given and that does make me question whether they were the emotionallu distant ones here!

OP, are you neurodiverse? Because the way you are interpreting your parents actions is very odd unless there is something you havent told us.

Everyone is acting as though I don’t have empathy for my parents I really do. I’ve definitely got underlying issues and being a parent will certainly bring them up. I think I’ll be a good mother to my son because I want to. I want him we have had a miscarriage before so we know what it’s like to really want a child and complete our family, we’ve only been married for 3 years nothing major but these have been some of the best three years of my life. My husband is very understanding he’s never pressured me to do anything. Before telling my parents he told me to do what I feel comfortable doing there’s no obligation.

In terms of my parents. My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago and the first thing my mother said to me when she broke the news was ‘thank god I don’t have to see or speak to her again’ my mother spoke to her mother almost every single day and saw her very very frequently. Their conversation was superficial even in my grandmothers old age. This is a generational thing. I’m not blaming my parents for my own mistakes I’m an adult now but I’m also just not close to them. Just because we talk often doesn’t mean we talk about anything substantial it is all very shallow nothing deep. Not out of anything malicious it’s just how our family seems to have operated for generations. I had great siblings who I am close to beyond just shallow conversations and friends and my husband family and even my extended family members on my parents side. I’m not alone I haven’t cut myself off I don’t plan to cut my parents. Despite everything I know they did their very best to give me a very privileged life that’s why I do feel guilty at times but you just learn to get on with it my siblings are great parents and I know I’ll be a good parents I want to be I’ll make mistakes along the way but I’ll always try and build that bond. I never expected my parents to be perfect and I know they’re human I’m human too.

Your mother is probably well aware people would judge HER for having so little interest or relationship she doesn't know a second grandchild is coming. Do you think that's relevant perhaps?

I do know how you feel a little but suspect if you consider your parents' relationships with their own parents it may tell you something. It certainly did me.

No parent scores 10/10 on everything. Maybe they score low in some areas but not others.

They bring their own dmaage, same as you will. Growing up means learning from it.

The interesting thing is that when you become a mum yourself, that becomes painfully clear and your darkest thoughts are whether your children will forgive your shortcomings (for which we find many, no matter how much they look at us with innocent wide eyes and tell us they love us).

Perhaps your parents know this fault about themselves and this is their penance. Fine. But when you find yourself falling short, just remember, you haven't truly forgiven them and your child may treat you the same one day.

You're also bringing family dysfunction into your child's life from day one, whereas at this point you can still talk to your parents and find a better way forward for everyone.

You didn’t forget to tell them, to be this far along and catch up with them via phone every few weeks when you would have attended appointments etc you deliberately didn’t divulge the information.
People don’t tend to randomly ask when/if people are going to have children so it’s not something they would have asked.
However I don’t think you’re wrong in not telling them important information if you don’t want to, it’s obviously a learnt self preservation mechanism.
I think it’s important to ‘own’ your choice not to tell them rather than try and convince yourself you forgot. No one is entitled to information about another but your parents are probably right to feel snubbed.
My Cousin attended boarding school whilst my Aunt travelled to far flung places teaching. She had to rely on Aunts to have her during the holidays, she is very independent and self sufficient and makes jokes about her lack of parenting.
She herself is a brilliant mother, chose and could afford to be a SAHM because she wanted to make sure she was always there, however her and her Mum are friends if not a traditional mother/daughter relationship and she treats her like anyone else within her friendship circle, news that would be shared amongst friends is shared to her parents.

I think this thread is a wind up.

We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year

Don't boarding schools have over three months of holidays? Who looked after you the rest of the time?