AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Throughout your relationship did they ever show any actual interest in you /your life? Ask about work, your relationship(s), how things are going, your future plans, etc.? If you did tell them tidbits here and there unprompted, did they show any interest or just changed the subject/“that’s nice dear”?

If they never did , that’s how you “forget”. You are conditioned into it. Of course you don’t really forget, but there’s no point or “I have to tell mum/dad!” Kind of automatic feeling that a lot of people have and you follow the pattern, especially when it’s a chore. A lot of people won’t be familiar with such a dynamic though, so it’s inconceivable to them.

Whats your relationships like with your siblings OP.
Do you talk about how your parents are towards you and how you all feel about that?

@BeBreezyAquaFinch I don't think yabu. I wouldn't have bothered asking in here though. Only you understand the relationship you have with your parents.

I can't even imagine a childhood where you only get to see your parents a few times a year.

That wasn't OP's situation, though. She saw her parent for around eight weeks in the summer, three weeks around Easter, three to four weeks around Christmas, plus two weeks each for half terms. It's likely that she also had regular phone conversations with them and other odd days for Parents' Day, sports day, plays or concerts, etc. It's not the occasional fleeting visits you seem to imagine.

Maybe "forgot" isn't the right word, but I can totally imagine "it somehow never happened".

In your case there was just no reason to talk about newly found pregnancy, it's a fragile thing, and they aren't the people you'd talk with about a miscariage, so you can wait for the scan as well. And, after the scan, you were welcomed on the phone with the political news question, and... And as the time went, the second scan was close, ...

I have much better, but still a bit shallow relationship with my parents. Weren't it for some practical aspects (I was planning to do something for them which they asked for and I was happy to do in the first half of the second trimester, but not much later) , I'd be telling them at 14 weeks at the earliest. As it went, my boss still knew before them.

Your mum being upset doesn't show that they "care". Maybe she just regrets she couldn't share the news with her friends earlier. Maybe she is upset about herself not having the family she might have wanted.

Your story is too outlandish for AIBU. You went with the established communication flow, it didn't happen earlier, shrug it and see what happens next.

I have spoken to my parents about things. I have also tried to build a relationship with them out of my siblings I’m the only one who’s actually tried to speak to them. The others have grown out of it I supposed they’re in their 40s with their own families, children etc and I guess at some point you just get over things. This my first child, previous pregnancy was a miscarriage maybe it’s brought on a lot of emotions hopefully I can be a better parents to my son. I don’t hate my parents I think they did what they had to do with the tools they had. They had similar upbringing so it’s just the norm to them, they weren’t abusive, they were distant I guess that can be seen as abuse in some ways but I don’t think think they were malicious my siblings and I have spoke about this we’ve all come to the conclusion it’s just the way they are and it’s a different generation. Hopefully we can do better for our children in terms of being emotional and not distant towards them.

You absolutely haven’t “forgotten” to invite your parents to your wedding or tell them you are having a baby. However it’s understandable why you feel a way towards them that would cause you to not want to tell them. It feels like there is more resentment there than you are acknowledging.

Yeah, I hope this is something you will mull over once you've had the baby. Have a think about how your feel in her shoes. Tbh it's YOU that's coming across as the cold one not her,she must be heartbroken.

You said you didn't think they would care and then you state how they are interested in their Grandchildren.

You didn't forget to tell them - you didn't want to. I agree with pps that there are many unresolved emotions concerned with your feelings of abandonment and not feeling loved by your parents - unsurprisingly really. I hope that you are able to break this cycle with your own children. Perhaps letting your parents in a little would be a chance to support that change. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

I think you are holding on to some anger towards your parents OP, i can imagine your DH saying “did you tell your mum about the baby?” and you going “why should i? She wouldn’t care anyway”.
I have never really been supported by my parents, i have never been abroad, never learned to drive, i moved out at 16 (on my own wages) and have never asked my parents for anything and they never offered, so the fact that your parents cared enough to send you to a great school/college etc, get you a flat, get you a job, take you around the world, (probably paid for your driving lessons?) says to me they did care for you to make sure you had a great future full of opportunities, and honestly that is what i want for my children, i want them to have the world at their feet because they have parents that support them in doing all these things for the best possible opportunities as adults, i know this ment you didn’t see your parents much and that is imporant to a child- but as an adult with hindsight you can’t honestly say they didn’t care about you.

I think you are being deliberately cruel and trying to hurt them as revenge for your childhood.

Congratulations on your rainbow baby @BeBreezyAquaFinch Sounds like your ILs will be involved grandparents and your child will be very loved in a stable home.

My mother is similar in not caring about my life, any conversation was entirely focused on her though. She was never told of any of my pregnancies. Other family members told her when I lost my babies and she never once asked or expressed any sympathy. Speaking to her was purely obligation. I have no contact at all now. She has multiple grand children, she only ever cared about the first and she no longer talks to her either.

I understand what you mean by forgetting, when you are not given a chance to express anything personal or asked, it is more of a case of becoming disassociated from your own life while you are dragged into their discourse until they end the conversation. You tick off the obligation and return to your life.

Doesn't make you cold or bitter, just conditioned from childhood by the parents who were emotionally detached.

I went to boarding school. I’m from a developing country so it wasn’t a fancy, skiing type of school. Quite poor actually. I saw my parents less than OP. It was tough at times and I became very independent. I haven’t lived in the same city as my parents since I went to boarding school and now I live in a different country.

I’ve still never forgotten I have parents.

we fell out some years ago (over something else) and I went NC. When I got pregnant, I didn’t tell them but I still thought of them.

im almost 40 now and I can accept that they did their best with what they knew and what they had. We have all worked on forming a new adult relationship and get on well now.

What the OP is describing is very weird and dysfunctional. But what do I know, I haven’t had “all the therapy”

I wonder if you’d get more sensible answers on a website for boarding school survivors - there may be a thread on Reddit for that?

It’s a type of emotional neglect/distance that most people can’t really understand.

You're getting a hard time because your family are rich OP and a lot of people think you should be grateful for that no matter what else was going on.

Because they're rich you must be a brat. You must be using them for money. You should be the one making the relationship work and fixing them. It's just ridiculous.

I don't think you 'forgot' to tell them, I think you probably just didn't care to bother - but maybe that's the same thing really. You didn't think they'd really be interested or think it was a big deal and you didn't want to be met with their disinterest. That's completely understandable OP, it's not normal, it's quite sad - but that's how your childhood was too,

If your mother gets upset or gives you a hard time just say 'I didn't think you'd really be interested.' She can take from that what she will.

I suspect her upset isn't from not sharing in your lovely, wonderful news but in the fact that other people will have known before her and how would it look if someone mentioned it and she didn't know.

I expect her upset is all about her and nothing about you at all.

Neglect and lack of nurture is still a form of abuse. In some ways it's worse because absence of something is still worse than someone doing something to you - physically, mentally or emotionally.
Whilst the OPs parents provided materially for her, they weren't present, involved parents. No wonder she doesn't tell them things - in some ways it's a little bit of power but her parents are reaping what they sewed!
My dad was one of four - his parents fed and clothed them and that was it! Whilst he didn't go to boarding school, at least, he also knew his parents weren't really interested in him or his siblings.
I would consider dropping back on the phone calls, if you would prefer, as they sound like a routine rather than bringing anything positive into your life.
Enjoy your little one!

No hard time here but as others have said you didn't forget.

You sound like you are basically grey rocking your parents to slowly remove them for your life. I do this with ny narc GM she basically has nothing to say to me as i give her almost zero info about my life.

I'd personally get back into therapy because having a child yourself can really bring new perspectives on your own childhood (good and bad)
My dh found it very hard, s he had to confront how diabolical his "normal childhood" was...I actually found i had a new appreciation/ compassion for my mum despite my "dysfunctional childhood"

Only you know the specifics but a GC can be healing

What sort of relationship do you have with your siblings? Did any of them know you were having a baby?

I agree with this - get back in to therapy for you and your future child. Having a child puts a spotlight on your own upbringing and brings up really difficult emotions esp. when it was difficult - and yours sounds very sad indeed.

I feel for you OP. I don't have an emotionally close/ functional relationship with my parents and I know how it feels to keep big or important life events to yourself for fear of them being dismissed or minimised in some way. I can also relate to the horrible feeling when your parents suddenly make it clear that you have hurt them through doing this, even though you can probably think of dozens of times when you shared things (feelings, stuff you were struggling with, things you were excited about) and they showed zero interest.

In short, I totally sympathise with why you would keep something as precious as your pregnancy to yourself, but it's also not surprising that your mum is hurt. I'd imagine she and your dad have minimal insight into their own behaviour or your relationship, thought everything was fine, and this has been a shock to her. Moving forward, I would advise acknowledging her hurt (without berating yourself too much) and then keep them informed of any headline news (he's been born, he's healthy etc). Sadly you already probably know not to expect any deeper interest involvement than that. Try to remember that this isn't your fault, and they are the real losers in this x

I dunno. I thought the point of therapy was to enable people to decide how they genuinely felt about stuff, not to make them feel how they "should" feel or how someone else thinks they should feel..... if they genuinely do feel disengaged and are comfortable with that they I'd say that the therapy has helped.

Where does the OP actually say this?

You forget they exist, treat them as if they don't exist, and don't bother to tell them they're going to have a grandchild because you didn't think they cared?

The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree . I can see you've inherited a lot from them . I'd be upset but I've been an involved parent .

You haven’t addressed (or even acknowledged) most of the questions in that comment.