AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

[Tinnybinnylinny]

I have been an avid lurker and infrequent commenter…..

Its 2026, women have had the vote for over a
hundred years, access to education, we are about three generations in for women being able to earn professional salaries…their own business/ whatever it is. Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap (not all men, and of course no one posts when it’s a happy life)?.

Why do women:

a. Accept it?;

b. raise the next generation to do the same (I appreciate these are inter- linked).

I see it on so many threads on here and in real life. Women that are the high earners - and yet do everything for the kids and the partners/ husbands….

The law/ employers etc can change/ have all the polices etc, but it doesn’t matter….

What am I missing?

I agree, but it's easier to push back and question these views when they are not ingrained from a young age; I grew up with old fashioned parents who expected me & my sisters to marry, settle down, and provide care for them in their old age. When your peers and friends & family have the same views, and your value is reliant on being a wife and mother, and you have little confidence and low self esteem, it's hard to step outside of what's expected of you. I grew up in the 70s and this was widely accepted in the small rural area I grew up in.

I'm glad to say I was the last to get married, and lived on my own and supported myself first, and my confidence grew and I realised you don't have to live the life your parents expect.

I think having kids around makes this extra difficult for women to make changes - It's easy to say stop picking up all the slack but the kids will be the ones to suffer if things get left.

My DH is great in lots of ways but can be a bit lazy - I don't want the kids to say, sleep in an unmade bed cos his standards of "it's fine with just a loose sheet chucked on top" means he wouldn't put the clean covers on. I end up doing it cos I don't think it's fair on them.

Obviously a "minor" example but it does end up snowballing to bigger things quite easily

He didn't opt out- men often don't get invited to the same WhatsApp groups. They just don't do things in the same way. He had a kid before anyone had WhatsApp so I guess got off to a different start but he certainly did plenty of play dates and children's parties and is still a big giver of lifts t her friends so he perhaps maintains DD's social life in other ways. I hadn't thought about it like that. Thanks KevinsSignatureShortdeads for reframing that for me.

Are you not blaming women for taking what’s on offer, out of desperation?

@Tigger1895 Are you not blaming women for taking what’s on offer, out of desperation?

Some single women get to 30ish and start to panic that they'll never have kids, so they grab the first guy they can.
I've seen it so many times.

No.

My partner is a good man, a good dad and does more than his fair share (although neither of us are particularly fastidious or house-proud tbh).
My dad was the opposite. My mum eventually divorced him but I suppose she “accepted” his behaviour for a long time. She even worked and earned all of the money while he was on the dole.
I can’t speak for her but I would some of the reasons she didn’t kick him out sooner were that she married too young and we didn’t actually have divorce here at the time (Ireland), she loved him, she had all sorts of issues around relationships from her upbringing and undiagnosed mh problems including EUPD.
It was hard for her to accept the reality of what her life was like versus what she had sworn it was going to be (ie different to her parents’). She was always going on about being a feminist and equality. My dad cleaned the house to be fair to him and was supposed to be a sahp which was very unusual at the time. He was an alcoholic though and so what actually happened was she worked full time and us kids took care of ourselves while he drank and stayed in bed or pissed off to the pub then forgot to collect us from school or left us locked out of the house or at home alone for hours on end.
He was also physically abusive to my mum and my older sister though.
I don’t know if this discussion is only about men who do less than their fair share and not ones who are emotionally or physically abusive but I can imagine some of the reasons why women “accept” “lesser” bad behaviour from men probably stem from similar things, just not as extreme. It’s a complex thing and I think it requires empathy rather than judgement to get close to the heart of it.
One thing I will say is that I have always thought that my partner being a good partner and dad is probably largely down to the fact that he had a good dad because I can see how he imitates his dad’s behaviour.

it wasn’t a post to blame anyone, more of a why? Am glad to hear you have a decent guy ❤️

Women most often endure and survive such unequal relationships because we have no choice. That is a far cry from accepting an unequal or abusive relationship. And it’s not the women that are creating the perception such relationships are normal, it’s the men who are creating the perception and enforcing it with coercion and physical force.

It’s a complex thing and I think it requires empathy rather than judgement to get close to the heart of it.

Spot on.

I totally hear what you are saying, but why put you and your children in the position of no choice?

Explain please how that happens? To put yourself in the position of no choice?

I’d like to hear what you imagine it might be like,

She is and she is also assuming we have god-like mind reading and clairvoyant powers to see how a man will become.

No-one has those powers when they have the first child.

And powers are not needed with any subsequent children, just common sense.

He's not going to suddenly go from being a shit partner and father of one, to an amazing partner and father of two.

No, but men can and do go from wonderful partner and great dad to suddenly a shit or even dangerous partner.
People change. To think that it’s only abusive men that have never changed is victim blaming nonsense.

If you stay with someone that has shown you who he is, as in you marry him knowing he has cheated on you, you have three children when after one he has displayed the behaviour. We live in the West with access to education and a benefits system that is on the face of it very generous (I cannot opine of the veracity of whether it is actually the case).

Of course people hide who they are, but not always.

exactly, but people put a gloss on it.

Why put yourself in a position of no choice you asked. I asked how do you think that happens?

Your answer is that women choose to marry men that have already been abusive/cheating. You then mention education and benefits.

So how many women do you think knowingly choose to be in an abusive relationship? Is it most women who are victims of DV? Half? A few?

Would it surprise you to know that no woman chooses it? And that there is a grooming process that slowly entraps a woman which then makes it very difficult psychologically and physically to escape? That often medical authorities will either not listen to women making reports/displaying minor injuries, and that police have been recorded refusing to file complaints of abuse, refusing to process requests for protection orders? Refusing to take DV seriously?

Do you know that the most dangerous time is when a women is in the act of attempting to leave? That unless there is careful planning and financial resources her life could be at risk? That these opportunities are infrequent given that DV comes with coercion and control?

are you ok?

Of course people hide who they are, but not always.

Yes some people hide who they are. However my point is also that people change. It’s not true that we are all the same person for decades. We all change and while some people change for the better, other people change for the worse. In this life path there is no hiding. You can start out good, a wonderful partner and parent but then various adverse life events and disappointments can engender bitterness and resentment. For example, many men are great until their wife becomes more successful. She’s getting promotions. She’s now earning far more than he is. She is just as good a mum as he is a dad, but he starts to think he’s been sacrificing for her career and she’s held him back. He then gradually becomes increasingly abusive. Not excusing the man in this very common pattern to DV, just using it as an illustration that people do show you who they are but who they are isn’t the same at 20,30,40,50,60…

Because some would rather put up with a shit partner than not have one.

I am perfectly fine thank you. I just happen to have more education and insight into the complex dynamics of DV. Women aren’t putting themselves into a position of no choice. Women aren’t choosing shit men out of desperation because they want a baby. Women aren’t accepting abuse, they are enduring it. The very same authorities meant to protect women from abusers are known to be ineffective. Just read about femicides and its all to common. Women escapes, the man stalks and then murders her. This is a big deterrent as to why women feel they don’t have the choice to leave, and he’s certainly not going to go if he is asked to leave. Even if the police come and arrest, they often release them less than 48hrs later and whether he goes on a vengeful murder spree the police can’t stop him, they can only show up to identify her body and potentially that of her kids too. Your views do not take into account the brutal reality of domestic violence.

I never understand why people act so puzzled about women being in unequal / DA relationships. We now, thankfully, know a lot more about grooming and how it works and how the potential losses ( children and their own life) make it too hard to leave. Yet there are women saying but why? Its obvious!

the thread isn’t about domestic violence.

I’m not sure of the relevance here but yes we both work in good jobs.