AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

[Tinnybinnylinny]

I have been an avid lurker and infrequent commenter…..

Its 2026, women have had the vote for over a
hundred years, access to education, we are about three generations in for women being able to earn professional salaries…their own business/ whatever it is. Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap (not all men, and of course no one posts when it’s a happy life)?.

Why do women:

a. Accept it?;

b. raise the next generation to do the same (I appreciate these are inter- linked).

I see it on so many threads on here and in real life. Women that are the high earners - and yet do everything for the kids and the partners/ husbands….

The law/ employers etc can change/ have all the polices etc, but it doesn’t matter….

What am I missing?

Anyway - I do think feminists need to move on from the obsession with a perfect 50/50 domestic labour and childcare split as often it’s not the woman “putting up with it” because she’s “weak”. It’s often a choice due to:

a) Unwillingness to compromise (“things must be done my way just because this is what I prefer”)
b) The person with the higher threshold for disorder will typically end up doing somewhat less.

I am not sure those are bad in and of themselves. What should be encouraged is couples having frank discussions before setting up house (with the benefit of a counsellor) so they are on the same page about this kind of thing.

My children have two parents, both of which have been present. We’ve both worked but have always both put our children as a priority when they growing up. Pick up, sick days etc I don’t pack for my husband for holidays he forgets his pants that on him.

I do think your wrong in putting the responsibility onto mothers or women as to blame for (some) men not stepping up.

I have a 24 year old we had a very frank conversation as she is about to move in with her long term partner. His parents have what I would say is a very traditional set up, and his Mum is in quite a vulnerable position. She has now had a conversation with her partner and discussed her expectations and fairness - it was a really positive conversation, put her at ease.

Agreed, I think this is me.

It’s a systemic issue which has deep deep roots. Unfortunately, all our want for equality has gotten us is full time jobs on top of the traditional female child and home tasks. It’s shit.

Many of my friend downgraded their own hard fought for careers once they had kids and now they can’t get anything like the money they had before. Which means the man’s job is always going to be more important because it does all come down to having enough money to live.

So men won’t ask for flexibility because their job is more important than their wife and also, why would they want to be flexible if it meant they’d have to pick up some child/home tasks?

As an aside, many of my friends are so controlling over their husband’s housework and time spent looking after the children. I have friends that micromanage any time that their husband is with the children, and that’s fairly common IME.

I've just had a conversation with my 6 yo daughter which got me thinking again about this thread.
My husband had alresdy left for work, and I was getting ready to take her to my mum's so that I could leave for mine (I start a little later than my husband).
Me, teasingly: "Hey - do you think anyone would notice if I skipped work and came with you and nanna to hunt for fairies?"
Her: "You can't do that, Mummy - you want to buy a new car over the summer, remember?"
Cue Destiny's Child on repeat and one proud parent! ❤️

Do you think now he was raised had an impact on his behaviour as an adult?

To everyone saying that women become controlling and micromanage their DH when they deign to finally do housework, I’d say that after years of actively opting out of performing any tasks they let their partner become the “expert” and it’s not unreasonable to expect them to do a good job of something.

E.g. If the man hangs out washing and leaves everything crumpled in on itself or overlaying other items on the airer then it’s not unreasonable to point out that this is not conducive to the clothes being able to dry…

Definitely. He told me outright that his mother did everything for him and as I was his wife, I had to take over from her. It wasn't until I lived with him that I realised he was like this. I just couldn't alter his mindset. It was exhausting to live with and I tried many times to reason with him and explain how unhappy I was.

If I’m the team manager in our marriage then I’m also quality control, if he wants to step up and proactively plan and organise then that’s different. If he settles for ‘tell me what to do’ then I’ll tell him what to do and tell him to do it again if it’s not done well enough.

Well on here it's often demonstrated that many women don't believe good men exist so it's normal to put up with a pig of a man if everyone in your real life circle also has a pig at home.
Then there's sunk cost fallacy , status, not wanting to share custody, wanting to keep children safe. Financial reasons. Society.
So many and many I can absolutely understand. Change is painfully slow unfortunately.

But as someone who has a good man And knows the difference I find it heartbreaking for these women and their children.

I always think of the harm principle.

Obviously if the way a man does something has a negative impact that should be addressed.

But sometimes a woman just wants something a certain way because that’s the way she wants it and that’s what makes her more comfortable. In that instance of course she will do more.

I recall years ago a friend of mine would always whine about how bad things were with her housemate and how she was constantly cleaning up after her. I was there one day and witnessed an argument because my friend insisted that her housemate should wash the pan she had used to make lunch before eating her lunch. Her housemate planned to do it immediately after her lunch but wanted to eat her food first before it got cold. My friend ended up aggressively washing the pan and then complained to me later that this was an example of her constantly having to clean up after her housemate when actually it was simply her inflexibility. And I see this A LOT.

I think this is the other side of the lazy man coin: women not wanting to compromise on how things are done. (And maybe because I am the messier person / one with a higher threshold for mess I see it more clearly.)

And me. I was beginning to think I was a complete outsider.

Most women I know are perfectly happy with nice men. Not because they’re weak - they are just in an equal ‘partnership’.

As I’ve always been - not all men are bad. Not all women are weak. Not all women are helpless little flowers. 🙄

I absolutely agree that “quality control” is perfectly acceptable if something is being done ineffectively (or inefficiently tbh!) BUT people parent differently, people have different standards and people have different skills sets.

I’m not going to give my husband a bollocking because he doesn’t put enough fruit and veg in my child’s packed lunch or cleans the bathroom with kitchen cleaner. Because neither of those things actually matter and he has the autonomy to make those decisions.

I have only had 3 relationships. 1st one, I was a teenager, he was useless, I did go on to have a DD with him, but got rid of him when baby was born as he became even more useless. Together for 13 years. No DV but cheating. Good riddance!

2nd relationship, I upped my game, a nice professional man. He was divorced, good father to his 2 DC. Co parented and good relationship with ex wife. We were together for 10 years. We split amicably. I just wasn’t ready to marry.

3rd and current marriage. Happy, settled, partner for life.

I am aware of my decision to not settle for low standards in my relationships.

I spent 9 years on my own bringing up my DD after the second relationship ended. I made the decision to not have another relationship until my DD was older and until I met the right person.

I personally won’t and have never accepted low standards in my relationships. I give so much and I will only accept the same.

Thankfully I have avoided men’s bad behaviour and so not a victim.

I know what’s out there, I have sisters and friends, nieces and nephews.

I am not lucky, I made decisions.

My mum accepted low standards. I said not me!

I guess this is what I often find amazing. I get why it’s hard to leave. But surely he was lazy before children came along? Were you hoping he would change?

One of the key things I’ve learned if you want an equal marriage is to get a man who has a good job but also just is not lazy. Not lazy in school or university or in his own home environment when living away from home.

DH is a real worker inside and outside of work, my own parents were both really hard workers but also committed misogynists but there was a real obvious balance in workload albeit gendered for my parents and not so gendered for DH.

That work ethic is something that really helps in these situations because they may not be perfect but laziness means a woman has two character flaws to overcome both misogyny and inherent laziness.

Now if they turn that lack of laziness to an iron man or such like when you have young children then you still have a problem but you need to keep an eye out before marriage for that one. But laziness is an awful flaw.

Well that’s a big part of the problem 2 people generally have different standards ,different ways of doing things thing’s and put different priorities on things
to one person just throwing the washing on the rack is fine it will do there not expecting anyone else to do it there happy as it is then on the rack
some people are happy with a very low standard and are reactive rather than proactive
time and time again there’ll be a thread about a DH and very little housework and then not done properly with the comment he was always like this
the guys done nothing wrong happy to live like that then the conflict come when he doesn’t change
nether are wrong there not compatible

and before TTC if you want the man to go PT it should be be ironed out then and if it’s a no it’s no kids
same with fiancees the amount of people don’t sort that before the start trying for kids is ridiculous and to be blunt it’s there own fault

but yet the desire to have kids overrules common sense they plough on them it’s everyone fault but there own it’s a shit show

We'd only lived together for a short time before I became pregnant. He'd masked many things until that point.

I just couldn't alter his mindset.

I really think women need to see this and stop. It’s a common joke “women marry men hoping men will change, men marry women hoping they won’t.”

Both are unrealistic. I think if you have to “alter somebody’s mindset” you should not be with them in the first place.

I totally agree with this. Laziness amongst the infinite list of some men’s misdemeanours might seem a minor flaw. But it isn’t really, is it?

And there are equally lazy women.

I think women often think these things are more important than men. My DH is a very involved father and does plenty at home but he isn't as invested in the ins and outs of parental WhatsApp groups/who DD is friends with/which teacher she has got for what subject/recent teen crisis etc. He tunes it out quite effectively. If you add all that to full time work and driving to extra curricular activities, it isn't surprising that women feel like they are doing it all.

I do sometimes wonder if my mental load issues/house admin are more about my desire to get everything right like some kind of continuous parental exam. He had 50/50 custody of my step children and was involved in collecting errant school shoes/PE kits but he didn't see it as his failing if it transpired that we only had one of a pair of school shoes at 9pm. I'd be furious that we hadn't worked it out better while he would calmly drive to collect the shoe or (and I couldn't live like this) get up super early and get it first thing in the morning.

I've got more like him as time has passed and if it turns out we don't have food in the house that can make a meal, I don't stress and we pop and get some. 10 years ago I would have equated that with failure and now I don't. I'm still on it some of the time but it turns out if you forget something it isn't as catastrophic as I used to think. Plus I no longer debate if coats are required or feel responsible for other people's missing items. The mental load feels less and when I make mistakes (I paid for a school trip twice recently) I sort it out without feeling bad.

Did he find a woman who did it for him?

Yes and then she left him too. They had children together. He now lives alone.

"This is not a reflection on their relationship with their father but a biological thing."

It's not biological because adoptive mothers also take on that role. If it were biological it would be linked to giving birth and breastfeeding.

I didn’t realise until I read your post that I am very much like this. I will order in, if necessary (be it Deliveroo delivering a Waitrose shop or take- away), if I don’t have something, I will pay whatever it is for it or go without. I tend to think, ‘nobody died’, if a flight is missed or we are late and have to pay to re- book, lesson learnt.

maybe as I don’t sweat the small stuff it makes life easier?