AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

[Tinnybinnylinny]

I have been an avid lurker and infrequent commenter…..

Its 2026, women have had the vote for over a
hundred years, access to education, we are about three generations in for women being able to earn professional salaries…their own business/ whatever it is. Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap (not all men, and of course no one posts when it’s a happy life)?.

Why do women:

a. Accept it?;

b. raise the next generation to do the same (I appreciate these are inter- linked).

I see it on so many threads on here and in real life. Women that are the high earners - and yet do everything for the kids and the partners/ husbands….

The law/ employers etc can change/ have all the polices etc, but it doesn’t matter….

What am I missing?

Indeed it does and the OP is being judged left, right and centre. People just can't help themselves.

the thread isn’t about domestic violence.

Yes it has been and you set it up that way.

Part of the reason you’re getting the reaction you are getting is because of how you expressed what the thread is about.

Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap…I see it on so many threads on here and in real life. Women that are the high earners - and yet do everything for the kids and the partners/ husbands….
The law/ employers etc can change/ have all the polices etc, but it doesn’t matter….
What am I missing?

(Why mention crap behaviour and the police in your opening post if you are not implying crap behaviour includes abusive behaviour?)

but when a woman does everything for the man, raises the kids etc. Why are women just so incredibly weak? (blaming women) and then later saying I never said women were weak. (you can’t even recall what you wrote)

what I am saying is that women have a choice now - but that it appears that they accept the behaviour. (blaming women)

I have self worth, am self- made and would never have married someone that treated me anything less than an equal. That is what I am saying, it was a choice, there were relationships along the way that were not like that.
(you never acknowledged my point that a partner can change and stop treating you as an equal, what then? Would you blame yourself for a poor choice? For accepting crap behaviour for however long it took before you managed to disentangle yourself?)

Gosh - I really think you missed English comprehension. I am asking the question as to why it would seem that women accept the bad behavior.
(rude and still blaming women as enablers)

So all the laws/ policies in the world won’t make a difference.
Again referring to laws on intimate relationships…which include laws about domestic abuse.

I know so many absolutely amazing woman who are incredibly bright/ successful careers/ kind/ considerate/ empathetic (please note - the order of the qualities does not note the importance of the qualities) and yet what they accept from their partners/ husbands…..-and yes they do complain. However, I would not share with them my real thoughts, ie LTB, as then you are the bit4h that said that/ or she tells the partner/ husband that and you are persona non grata (unless it’s domestic violence, then I have (and yeah, she went back and is still miserable)).

(Then you specifically and explicitly include domestic violence as part of an unequal relationship/crap behaviour that women are accepting and enabling and thereby causing their sons to grow up to be abusive…but now you’re saying the thread isn’t about domestic abuse.)

So what are you talking about that is crap, LTB behaviours that women are accepting that would, in your words be a deal breaker, if my husband ever did any of the stuff that I read on here/ some of my friends have experienced…he would regret the day he met me. that is not abusive? Huh? Too many crumbs by the toaster? Making your cup of tea wrong? Being rather shit at wrapping Christmas presents?

You wrote it vague enough to include domestic violence, you explicitly included it in your conception of crap behaviour and now you are back pedalling when you have been pulled up on your victim blaming misogyny.

Why are you questioning the mothers who raise these men and the wives who put up with it instead of the fathers who raise them and the men who don't pull their weight?
The answer to this and to your question is the same. Internalised misogyny.

Eh because this is mumsnet, not dadsnet?

You should use this thread as a tool to reflect. You have been aggressive and rude in some of your replies and really unkind to women raising valid points. Then you have the nerve to question where the girl power is. You may believe that you are not misogynistic, but it is very clear in your OP and the following comments that you are. You must see that yourself now too? You've done some backtracking saying that you didn't say things or they've been misquoted. Surely that shows you that you are coming out with things that you are even shocked at yourself when you hear it back?

In your opinion……

I referred to policies, not police.

The time it must have taken you to cut and paste - for some random thread on the internet. You need help.

I think its really important to have these discussions and not shut down debate, claiming its victim blaming. Many women stay with controlling men or abusive men. It's a known fact victims of DV often return to their abuser claiming to love him. No, It's not their fault the man is abusive but it IS their decision to stay. I'm not talking about extreme life threatening situations here. I think its important that women are empowered and part of that is knowing that you have a choice, which in turn means taking responsibility for the choices you made previously. It's not a coincidence that many women who are in toxic or coercive or abusive situations have had childhood trauma or other serious issues before the relationship. This suggests there is a profile of women who are more likely to be abused. I don't know the reasons why but I think it would be good to explore these profiles more so support can be given to women who are vulnerable.

I also wonder the same thing.

I feel that it’s a combination of:

1. They don’t feel that they’re worth any more than what they have. They feel they wouldn’t find anyone else. A self esteem issue.
2. Their family and friends go through it too and it becomes the norm. Everyone complains at how their man is out all night or hungover or that you have to pack his suitcase for holiday… you’re part of a community of women who are handling the same crap every day and complain about it every time.
3. Their pride. They don’t want to be seen as a failure. They like the status of being married (if they’re married) and don’t want to rock the boat. Especially with “we’ve been married 40 years” it adds a lot of pressure. Being told grandparents stayed together forever since age 14 through thick and thin - That’s mostly because women had no rights to anything and couldn’t leave.
4. They stay for the kids. They don’t want a “broken home”. They don’t want to break up the family.
5. They are financially unstable and can’t (or feel they can’t) leave. Either they want to and can’t see a way out or they want to but know they wouldn’t be able to have the extra things and luxuries that being with someone can bring.
6. They got with them not seeing the red flags (or they didn’t show it in the honeymoon period) and they are hoping they will change or they’re thinking they can put up with it. They think others have it worse (domestic violence) and that nobody is really happy with the person they’re with.
7. They don’t want to go through the dating crap all over again. The apps… all of that. Better the devil you know than ending up without another man that doesn’t know how to be a man and could be worse.
8. The friend groups and social side of things play a part too. It all becomes a big thing and it’s all things that are uncomfortable to think about.
9. Wanting children and a “stable” home with two parents because they didn’t have that growing up and they want to change the record and prove they can do it.
10. If they’re religious it brings a whole new layer to the situation with sin and hell and all of that stuff.

I do feel that some women enable this behaviour without realising it, because they’re exhausted, because it’s “easier”, because they can’t bring themselves to fight battles all the time, because they don’t want to rock the boat, because they’re scared, because they haven’t seen anyone in their life actually leave and come out the other side happy.

I also think everyone is different and some women would rather live like this (because it’s knowing what you know) and not leave for a better life and others have no issue standing up and saying this isn’t okay.

I'd add to @Juniperwilde 's excellent list:

11. They know in their heart of hearts the ex would do a crappy job regarding housing, housekeeping, organisation - so either they've got to hand the kids over regularly to someone who'll basically neglect them or delegate to an unknown girlfriend/his mum, or live on a much lower income with full responsibility for school, clothing, diet, dentist etc etc.

Plus, women are not encouraged to be financially independent.

IMO there is nothing that scares men more than an intelligent, financially independent woman. This is because men know that they can't control us and we expect them to pull their weight, we won't tolerate disrespect or bad behaviour and we have the option to walk.

My exH said to me, when he was having his affair (and I didn't know about it at that point) that "he couldn't live up to my high standards".
I asked him if the considered "high standards" to mean picking up his dirty clothes and putting them in the wash-basket, or taking a coffee cup out to the kitchen when he'd used it, or putting something on the shopping list that we needed, or removing his skid-marks from the pan after he'd used the lavvy.

He didn't respond.

But hey-ho he left for a silly woman who was happy to be a sexual housekeeper who had no self esteem and was happy to be treated as a fuckable domestic appliance.
I wish her joy of him. 🙄

@Shadymeadow Absolutely this. I'm a strong and challenging feminist, even more so as I have matured (now 45). A lot of men don't necessarily like me, and a number of women don't either because I will fight back at the patriarchy in every way I can and refuse to accept traditions borne of internalised misogyny; I suppose that can feel threatening the many who still do. I make zero apologies for that and this lady is definitely not for turning!
My first husband ultimatlely didn't accept me for who I was and thought (because he had lots of money) I would become subservient to The Big Man.
As I matured and grew I found the strength to leave and vowed never again to allow a man into my life that didn't respect me as his full equal.
I was never (thank goodness) financially dependent upon him because had the werewithal to know that this "choice" leaves so many unhappy women trapped.
Strangely enough my ex's now -(considerably younger wife) - does not like me one bit. I know she doesn't have the options I had available to me to leave and when she has "come at me" in the past I have said that if ever she needs to leave down the line I will always be there to understand. It's so hard to go.
My second husband is the complete polar opposite of my first in every way imaginable ❤️

The harrowing truth is so very often the source of abuse is also the source of attachment and support.

I have been on the edge of what may amount to serious abuse between a father and child (adult) and it is very possible that this push pull dynamic will never be broken down. She is nearing her 50s and refusing to move out from a home where she thinks she has been grossly abused from her early years but has no certainty around this as severe trauma can lead to but her behaviour would very much point to this as a possibility.

I don’t have any idea if she will ever be in a place to break down those barriers and there is every form of support system involved psychotherapy/psychiatry and multiple other external support systems.

The psychology of these situations is beyond logical comprehension. It is a much deeper and more primal/survival based system at play than reason or logic.