AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

[Tinnybinnylinny]

I have been an avid lurker and infrequent commenter…..

Its 2026, women have had the vote for over a
hundred years, access to education, we are about three generations in for women being able to earn professional salaries…their own business/ whatever it is. Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap (not all men, and of course no one posts when it’s a happy life)?.

Why do women:

a. Accept it?;

b. raise the next generation to do the same (I appreciate these are inter- linked).

I see it on so many threads on here and in real life. Women that are the high earners - and yet do everything for the kids and the partners/ husbands….

The law/ employers etc can change/ have all the polices etc, but it doesn’t matter….

What am I missing?

"It seems it’s biology then. I think it’s that women want to put the kids to bed/ read the story etc….and men can take it or leave it (I caveat not all men/all women). So all the laws/ policies in the world won’t make a difference."

Well obviously not otherwise it'd be exactly the same situation everywhere in the world and in every time period. There may be a biological element, but it's obviously cultural as well. It's changed so much just in my lifetime.

Well a relationship doesn’t start out that way, it starts out with fun warmth and connection, laughs and fun conversations and one being there for the other but both forget that as the shit keeps being loaded on in life- bills, health stuff, tiredness, responsibilities.

I used to blame lazy men but saw a few posts recently where women with young children were giving out that their dh does everything wrong do they have to do it- in all three posts the women co sleep with young kids and the dh sleeps in a separate room and I thought well if you take responsibility for everything from the start and call everything wrong and think only you can do it at what point is he suddenly going to become an equal parent?

Another two posts where the women said all their dhes do is work and then come home claiming to be tired- but they are tired- we’re all tired after a day’s work! In that case both were SAHM or pt and they felt the other had it easy where I guess the dh thought they had it easier! I think society puts us all against each other so much and instead we should be reminded we’re a team and it’s hard on all of us (and I used to be a sahm and it’s as exhausting as work btw!!!)

It is measurably changing though. That's why we have more women opting not to have kids or relationships with men.

Marriage rates and birth rates are declining. Women are statistically more likely to instigate a divorce.

Rather than looking at where we are now, id genuinely like to hear where you think things will be in three more generations.

Social pressure/peer pressure is huge.

most women want kids and single mothers are vilified.

But you said children, so you had more than one with him, knowing how shit he was with the first?

"Once you're in a relationship with a lazy partner and have children with them, it's very difficult to just walk away."

If you see domestic inequalities as a kind of abuse you can see that over time the abuser will test boundaries to see what they can get away with. There are also considerable gender stereotypes at play e.g the regular tasks that have to be done every day are seen as women's work and the occasional outside ones as men's. Splitting the number of tasks or home/outside domains or men doing the more physically onerous tasks gets bashed as a fair split. Women are seen as having higher standards so take over cleaning (because they know they are the ones who are judged for the state of the house). The biggest change/cause is maternity leave. Women are at home men are at work and women take more of the domestic tasks as at home more. They also take on the majority of the childcare and the mental load of planning family life, anticipating their child's developmental needs and the stuff they need. Some women don't go back to work some go back part time some full time. But it's quite rare for the responsibilities to be split fairly whatever the woman's work situation. She maintains the oversight of family life and it's minimised because it's not paid and a lot of it is mental. The work situation will also often give men the financial upper hand and make it harder for her to leave and house children independently particularly if her career has suffers from having kids. Women will often pay for the children's things and have less money to save to leave as well while the man has plenty for his hobbies. Many women don't leave because they fear that their partner will neglect or abuse their children too. That is a massive factor too.

When we got together DH was fairly lazy(more lack of care really) and so was I. I was lazier than him in fact, and he used to do a lot more housework than me. Then we had DD and I changed, with some things for the better, some for the worse. For various reasons it took him quite a long time to catch up .

Laziness is important but being considerate of others more so. I am a very lazy person buy partners, friend, family never realise that. When in my own space, just me, I am very lazy. But when living with others I curb that in as I want to be considerate of shared spaces.

That’s OP’s point none of this was a surprise he didn’t become like this over night
but you carried on had a relationship and kids with him
when he wasn’t suitable in the first place place not fair on the kids or him

think society puts us all against each other so much and instead we should be reminded we’re a team and it’s hard on all of us (and I used to be a sahm and it’s as exhausting as work btw!!!)
This is so true. If as parent we can give one lesson to our children is to tell them that life IS tiring. Having children, working, managing every day life is exhausting and it affects everyone.

It feels like people get into commitment and children with rose tinted glasses. The cute pictures, the family get together etc...and then reality set in, they resent it and need to blame the other because it's not what they expected.

Fathers do get as tired as mothers. Differently maybe but still tired enough that they can't just take over.

This is really interesting. I divorced my ex for a few reasons but I slowly realised that he'd been manipulating me for years to get the life that he wanted, whilst I carried the emotional load - with huge sulks and gaslighting if I didn't. Even now, years after the divorce I shake my head at some of it. A couple of things; I quickly realised that as a divorced woman, I had lost status amongst some friends, family and acquaintances but most of all I realised that carrying that load had been like having an extra child - I did not sign up for that and from starting out as equals, he had hijacked my life. Many women I know accept this because they too don't want to lose the status of being married.
A good friend thinks that we should re-write fairy tales - instead of a young woman looking for a prince, it should be a young man searching for a woman who will do all the stuff that his mum does for him......😙

I come from a. Developed East Asian country. What’s striking is that the relationships back where I am from are all very equal, dads are equally hands on and everyone is in equal ish jobs.
i see much more inequality in the uk, including in my own marriage. And my friends back in my home country who are married to English husbands are also suffering from the inequality ( even worse because their husbands are used to helpers and literally don’t do a single thing for their kids/with their kids)

I tell any young female (who will listen) not to even think about having a child unless they are prepared mentally, physically, emotionally and financially to raise that child alone.

I tell them to skill up so they have something to fall back on if things go pear-shaped (and not some 'mickey mouse degree' either). I'm thinking about useful practical skills eg;hairdressing, beauty therapy, IT, admin qualifications, Health Care Assistant, dressmaking/repairs/sewing/tailoring.

I know of two females whose "D"Hs left them with 4 kids for another women. another who's husband collapsed and died one night leaving her with 2 teenagers.

None of us know what's around the corner.

Been there and got the t-shirt !

When I finally had an epiphany and told 'D'H to "shape up or ship out" he found himself another mug woman who would accept him.

It remains to be seen whether she will realise what sort of a "catch" she's got.....

Because it is a social norm that men (on average) do less than their fair share around the house and in parenting and pushing back against a social norm is tiring especially at exceptionally stressful times like when you've just had a baby.

I've been fighting that social norm for over a decade now and backsliding often happens despite my efforts.

Frankly, it's meant me moving towards DH's lower standards in a lot of areas.

I could afford to leave if I wanted and sometimes I think about it. Normally after I've been away for the weekend with a woman friend!

Children of a certain age need their parents to be tuned in to WhatsApp groups and knowing who their friends are so that they can maintain a social life. If we all just opted out like this, it could be to the detriment of your child and it sounds like you facilitated this until your children were old enough to do it themselves (at which point, it’s easy to look back and look at how “uptight” you were compared to “super chill” DH. No, he just opted out).

Yep. It’s the WhatsApp network and knowing the mums that means I know about things or can ask about things relevant to our kids. It’s a mum network. So I get the party invites sent to me, it’s how I found a ballet place that we can make work, it’s how I found various sports places our kids train at, extra school holidays activities, play dates and gatherings. The kids would miss out on a lot if I didn’t proactively chat to mums.

@Mygiddyvalentine Assuming, within this "equal" marriage, you also work in a good job?

You've heard of self esteem right? You've heard of the patriarchy? You've heard of social conditioning? Use critical thinking skills

@Cheese55 Oh yes - we've heard of the patriarchy. And some of us are standing up and fighting against it rather than just accepting it. And yes, we're still very much in the minority.
What percentage of women in the UK, for example, still become Mrs and/or Hisname upon marriage?
Surveys and deed poll records indicate that roughly 85% to 90% of British women still change their surname upon getting married.
I imagine even more become a Mrs.

There aren't enough 'good' men to go around. I mean decent, responsible, mature men that are willing to commit to one woman and children in the way that most women would like. This is the sad truth. If every woman held out for this then lots more women would be single and also child free when actually they want families.

I think men are naturally wired differently to women. The biological urge for example to settle down and have children is much stronger in lots of women than it is in lots of men. Not always and there are always exceptions, but generally I think this is true and this is what drives the shortage of decent life partners for women. Lots of men would be content with a very different type of life and I do sometimes wonder if that is necessarily wrong. They have been the victim of traditional expectations for decades too. The release from these expectations has had an obvious impact on women's autonomy and r
ability to choose the life they want, but it's often less considered that men have had a similar emancipation. For many this looks like living a more obviously less committed life whereas before they were in relationships that they often wouldn't have chosen with children they wouldn't have chosen doing the bare minimum and getting through it.

Because overall we still live in a misogynistic, men-are-more-important society; in my experience women are only valued if they are married/have children, and judged on their looks and whether they are caring & nurturing. This is my experience and it sucks, but I certainly remember as a 20 something being pressured to find a man, settle down and have kids.

I hope things change and get better, but it certainly seems like we're going backwards, with so much violence against women and the paltry sentences ( if a case gets thst far) for perpetrators.
Men often behave badly in relationships and women are expected to put up with it.

Accepting it is the women’s fault though. There’s absolutely no reason that badly behaving men are for the most part are in relationships where they are looked after by their significant other like they are child, other than women allowing it.

When I realised my partner was a cocklodger spending more time gaming than looking for a job while I was studying at university and working to pay all the bills, I didn’t care how much I loved him - I was not sticking around.

I now have a husband who does at least 50% of the housework (probably more, but I bring in more money) in a true partnership. We’d be having a serious chat if this moved.

I agree with @Itchthescratch that there aren't enough 'good' men to go around (decent, responsible, mature men that are willing to commit to one woman and children in the way that most women would like), and that men are wired differently to women.

I loved xh in the way I thought would make him feel loved. In fact, it was a- how I would've felt loved (not him), and b- adoring him made him respect me less.

I think most men are more self-serving and opportinistic, so if they get the chance for a lazy life they'll take it. But the trouble is, it dosn't satisfy them deep down because they're not being productive, feeling like "the man".

That's what made xh leave I think. I had no idea. I thought all differences were stereotypes and not true. Especially of a young sensitive intelligent introvert like him. But I was wrong.

Valued by whom? Judged by whom?

I experienced the same but frankly I held the people valuing that and judging me in contempt. I didn't welcome them into my social circle, or I distanced myself from them as much as possible. My own self-worth was never dependent on those things and I thought the people who cared about them were basic, conservative and shallow.

I can't emphasis how much finding a social circle where the default is to push back against traditional societal norms has enabled me - and my friends - to live lives largely free from the bullshit I'm reading about in this thread.