AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

[Tinnybinnylinny]

I have been an avid lurker and infrequent commenter…..

Its 2026, women have had the vote for over a
hundred years, access to education, we are about three generations in for women being able to earn professional salaries…their own business/ whatever it is. Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap (not all men, and of course no one posts when it’s a happy life)?.

Why do women:

a. Accept it?;

b. raise the next generation to do the same (I appreciate these are inter- linked).

I see it on so many threads on here and in real life. Women that are the high earners - and yet do everything for the kids and the partners/ husbands….

The law/ employers etc can change/ have all the polices etc, but it doesn’t matter….

What am I missing?

People are sheep. They’ll mostly follow whatever the society/culture they’re in, even when they know better. Change takes a long time.

Sounds a bit victim blaming to me

Men's bad behaviour is not women's fault. Obviously

My DH doesn’t treat me like crap. But I definitely recognise that I do all the thinking and organising . He does tasks but I do the big picture family thinking: I am on the what’s app groups, I organise all the play dates, I know the medical stuff, I book the holidays, I plan for back to school. He does what he’s asked to do but I’m the project manager in the family. I don’t do everything, he does loads of cooking and cleaning and childcare but I’m carrying a mental load that he isn’t.

and this seems like a common issue with couples. I think we put up with this because it’s hard to explain the mental load and will have another generation to change.

You are literally part of the problem, starting this thread blaming women for men’s behaviour.

Of course it isnt - but when a woman does everything for the man, raises the kids etc. Why are women just so incredibly weak? Caveat - not all women, just as not all men treat women badly.

I just don’t understand it. So few women among my friendship group (all tertiary level educated, professional, probably all earning six figures plus….) not one has an equal partnership, those with kids and those without. Those with kids even worse (from what I see).

Women are not to blame for men’s behaviour - but they do on the face of it, accept it.

No but they are responsible for sticking their head in sand and letting children grow up in that envirornment and putting up with it

Why do women post misogynist posts that hold women responsible for men’s behaviour? How men treat their wives is nothing to do with their mothers.

As for why women accept unequal relationships - most women want marriage and children and so take what’s on offer. And much of what is on offer is not good. I never accepted that but then I accepted that meant never having kids and being unlikely to marry. Not everybody wants that.

I am not blaming women for the behaviour of men.

what I am saying is that women have a choice now - but that it appears that they accept the behaviour.

You are blaming women for men’s behaviour. You blamed their mothers for who men choose to be.

it appears that you are unable to understand the question.

i am not blaming women for the behaviour of men, but asking why they accept the behaviour? it’s a nuance - but you may not understand.

No, you said why are they raising the next generation to do the same. And why are they raising the next generation to treat their wives like crap. Of course you are blaming women.

Instead of blaming women, why not tell us how you manage to be perfect and get it all right?

I am aware of where you are coming from but in my circles I know of loads of fathers who are really, really engaged and in pretty equal relationships. That is partly down to my work environment which naturally lends itself to fathers doing more parenting than other jobs because we have a lot of downtime. However my kids friends have a lot of similar parenting set ups.

That would not have been the case even 1 generation ago where I’m from so a lot has changed but yes I agree I’d like the pace to speed up.

I think it is also worth remembering that people are very imperfect and so it will always be a version of problematic but driving towards a more equal footing is a good thing.

Also separately I see and know of lots women who absolutely value being able to stay dependent and do not value equality in any meaningful way. They think feminism is a dirty word which is a real shame.

So what you are saying that how children are raised/ what they see as they are growing up/ what they are taught has no bearing on who they turn out to be as adults?

Childhood experiences have no connection to the adults we become.

Pull the other one!

Am glad you are seeing where I am coming from.

I am definitely not blaming women for men’s behaviour - I am questioning why it seems
they accept it.

They’ve been trained from day 1 of being born, how to “be a woman” and we’ve been taught to serve, soothe, support and sacrifice. It’s so ingrained in our culture it’s hard to see it, until you get to 50 and then you scream about it!! Arghhhhhh

It’s easier to accept it than be the one to make a stand.

Many people like to pretend they don’t have agency, that they are the mercy of how others treat them. It stops them having to truly take responsibility for where they are in their lives, the shit parent they chose for their children etc. They just carry on pretending that it’s all someone else’s fault.

I’m getting close to 50 and I’m watching the second innings of it where women are responsible for elder care in a generation where life is being prolonged with all sorts of medical interventions that never would have happened in previous decades leaving elderly people living longer but with extremely poor quality of life.

It is a crisis of our generation and it will get worse before it gets addressed.

Most of it is money and/or status of being a couple

But the younger generations are learning it will reduce just slowly

Did you forget what you wrote or maybe you just didn’t understand the words you used:

Yet - why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap (not all men, and of course no one posts when it’s a happy life

So you blame

1. their mothers for how they behave (but not their fathers)
2. The wives / partners for putting up for it (but not the men for how they choose to be.)

But you aren’t blaming women for men’s behaviour. Sure.

I guess your misogyny is internalised which is why you don’t see it.

What I think is a child has two parents and who an adult chooses to be is on them. (My mother was raised in a very gendered household and did the opposite in her own household.)

And yet you chose to shift all accountability for male behaviour onto their mothers and their wives.

Am sorry that you seem to be really angry and I hope that you are not being treated badly.

I have self worth, am self- made and would never have married someone that treated me anything less than an equal. That is what I am saying, it was a choice, there were relationships along the way that were not like that.

I am certainly not perfect, not by any stretch.
I read some threads on here and from real
life experiences I see that so many amazing women accept such crap, and it blows my mind.

Of course I understand that for a lot of women it’s financial, but there are a lot of times when it isn’t - and yet?

On the financial side, if my husband ever did any of the stuff that I read on here/ some of my friends have experienced, he wouldn’t be walking away with anymore than 50% of the joint assets and he would regret the day he met me.

When it comes to unequal partnerships re kids I think biology has a lot to do with it. Women have a stronger instinct from birth. Then have maternity leave so by the time they return to work they are much more equipped to deal with the child and household etc. Many women are controlling about their new babies and don't 'let' Dh do certain things, others are happy to accept help but are critical and don't allow for mistakes to be made, although most new mothers make stupid mistakes but usually at home alone with no one to watch and criticise. Then there are the men who don't offer and the women don't think to ask, then there are the useless men who don't want to help. All these situations lead to unequal share before baby is even a toddler.

Add to this the biological fact that children want mothers more and mothers want children more. I work with kids and when a child is sick we always ring mother first unless told to ring Dad. In my experience most mothers would be upset to not be the first called or the one asked to make a decision. The children ask for mother when upset or lonely or sick. This is not a reflection on their relationship with their father but a biological thing.

I think these patterns start in early parenthood with many couples. if the woman doesn't push back it continues throughout the child's lives.

Close to my heart at the moment. DS1'S dad is bad news. Bad, bad, bad fucking news. I met up with another of his ex victims today, and she said he was truly nonplussed that at his first attempt at discarding I grabbed our newborn and all our stuff and hightailed it out of there, and blocked him for evermore. We think he was waiting for me to beg and plead and fawn like all the others.

People on MN don't like you saying that autism is a superpower, but dear God sometimes it really really really fucking is. Because once you've seen through someone, fuck social norms, that person is out of your life.

Yeah my husband does more of the ‘housewife’ stuff, washing, cooking etc…I manage all of the finances and everything admin related, Christmas and holiday shopping etc.

I think @Tinnybinnylinny that you have a biased view here because it is the unhappy people who start threads about their terrible husbands. We don't start threads saying isn’t my husband great, he does his share (or more) because that’s not in people’s nature. Plus these threads would be met with a slow clap by people who tell you that you shouldn’t be patting men on the head for doing their share, they should just be doing it.

Men often fall into patterns of laziness and selfish behaviour once their kids are born, at which point it becomes a lot harder to walk away for women, both from a financial and practical POV.

Coincidentally, it also becomes a lot easier to leverage a woman's guilt against them by forcing then to either do more themselves or allow their children to suffer, leaving women to take on the mental load as well as a lot of physical and practical work, which makes it harder to leave because they don't have the capacity to plan and execute a split, and, again, dont want their children to suffer a divorce/don't want to give up time with their kids/don't trust their husband to provide for them on a practical or emotional level if they are no longer in a relationship.

I would suggest that most women with children would more readily accept a less than equitable split of work/responsibility over a divorce or rather sake of their children, and men know it, so the pattern continues.