AIBU to refuse my niece joining my son's one-to-one tutor sessions?

[EveryMinuteAndEveryHour]

Since January we have paid for an online A level tutor once a week for an hour for our son.

My niece is doing the same A level and my sister has asked if my niece can sit in on my son’s tutor lessons. I said the tutor is 1:1 so I don’t think that would really be ok with the tutor, thinking that would put her off but it didn’t. She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t change my sons lesson.

I wanted to say no but said I’d ask my son. He has that he doesn’t want her there.

I have told my sister and she is angry. She doesn’t understand why we would say no. She has now offered to pay a small amount towards the tutor each week but it’s not about the money. My son wants the lesson by himself.

My partner thinks my sister is crazy to expect this and the more I think about it so do I. If you have used a tutor, would you actually consider this? My niece is struggling with the subject and my sister says she can’t afford a tutor.

Are we unreasonable to say no?

Would you level up everything else in the family? Buying a car, house, holidays, where would you stop ? Where does family start and end ? Second cousins twice removed ?

There are pages and pages of comments saying why this is a bad idea to let her sit in the room 🤣

Your sister is lazy. She should use YouTube resources with your niece - so many , so varied, some simply amazing. I did it with mine, did not expect to enjoy it, but enjoyed it so much. Literally tailored to every ability.
I had a tutor ages ago, before Internet - and the whole idea was a 1-1 interaction, uninterrupted for the duration, literally energy flowing to and fro. A third person in this scenario would be a disruption, a sabotage. Say no.

If that "someone else's kid" would be my beloved niece and I knew my sister couldn't afford it while I could I def would. Have you never helped or had help from a family member? The saying it takes a village makes me laugh because so many are not even willing to help their own family (provided that they can).

Seriously? Here it's 25£ per hour...

'It takes a village' doesn't mean putting your hand in your pocket.

bonkers she won’t learn anything just listening and if your sis thinks she’s would then she should sit with her and find some YouTube videos on the subject and let her study that way.

bizarre way to approach the issue. And a very cheeky ask. It would distracting to DS and not fair to rope him into this sort of deceitful behaviour.

It’s a bit like sitting in on someone else’s therapy session hoping to get some good advice 🤣

If I could afford to I’d pay for a tutor over summer to help her catch up. With sister chipping in what she can. Could your parents help too?

yes it’s a cheeky ask but if DD is struggling I can see why. She is just trying to solve the issue. Could your parents help her with tutor. I’d help my nieces and nephews.

Well it very much depends on her job. In lots of jobs you don’t get paid for overtime and you need permission from your employer to take on additional employment (also not sure how easy it is just to find).

@ForEdgyHare I'm a 1:1 tutor. Would I tutor two kids but only get paid for tutoring one? Errr... no.
It's not a BOGOF!! 😂

We can afford to pay for our son to have a tutor, why do you think saying that we don’t want to pay for my nieces tutor means we can afford to pay for her. We are paying £90 per hour once a week for our son’s tutor, who has taught chemistry for years and is an exam marker. This is the going rate for a tutor with that experience.

Why should we pay nearly £400 per month for my niece to be tutored?

Also, my sister saying she can’t afford it, doesn’t also mean I think it’s true that she can’t. If she doesn’t currently have spare money, she could cut back on other things she has.

I think it’s ludicrous that you would expect us to pay for this.

I wouldn't have told them in the first instance that your son has a tutor as it really isn't anyone else's business. If niece is struggling then your sister either finds the money or they speak to school. So many schools or colleges hold revision lessons for their students and if she is struggling she needs to ask for extra support

Trying to sit in on your sons lesson is shortchanging the tutor who isn't being paid to teach two people. It will also affect your son who might struggle to concentrate with her present. Your niece might not get as much out of it either as she won't be able to ask questions.

He wouldn’t have said yes and as I’ve already said I advised him not to and said it was a bad idea. If I’d have said no without agreeing to ask my son, my sister and niece would have spoken to him anyway, so it was best the conversation was between me and our son,

What a bizzare request.

Yep, same. I found a second job and filled out the relevant forms in work to get permission to do it. It wouldn’t cross my mind to ask someone else to pay for stuff for me in the first instance before trying that.

How utterly self absorbed and stupid your sister sounds. Tutoring is 1:1 and it’s a personal experience. Totally weird to sit in on it. Distracting to your son, downright fraudulent and disrespectful to the tutor. And probably virtually useless for your DN as she won’t be able to see the screen or ask her own questions. This is such a weird request.

Reminds me of this!

This. And the teen is old enough to get a job herself, if need be. Cut your cloth…

It’s not OP’s property to give away, though. It is the intellectual property of the tutor—how she makes her money—and it is not OP’s right to give it away (unless she asks if she can have a visitor or record it, and the tutor agrees). The tutor has a job and deserves to be paid fairly, so if that lesson is broadcast to a wider audience, she has the right to be compensated.

My point is that you should have said "no", not "ill ask my son".

If they had asked him after you said no, your son only needed to say "you need to speak to my mum, not me". At which point you'd ne speaking to them to say "I've already told you no, it's not on to ask DS."

He is not going to say you need to speak to my mum if they spoke to him directly, which they definitely would have. He is nearly 18, can you seriously imagine ‘speak to my mum’, like he is 5. What would have happened is he would have answered for himself because that is who he is, said no, they would have kept applying pressure and my son would have probably told them they were cheeky bastards which would have caused more issues based on things that have happened before.

Does your DSis have a tendency to expect things from you for free? I just wondered if she's a bit desperate knowing her DD going to fail chemistry, or if she tends to think what's yours is also hers?

The answer is no, let her be angry

Stick to your guns and keep saying no. She’s being a cheeky bitch. Just give her the tutor’s details and tell her to book your niece some lessons.