AIBU to refuse my niece joining my son's one-to-one tutor sessions?

[EveryMinuteAndEveryHour]

Since January we have paid for an online A level tutor once a week for an hour for our son.

My niece is doing the same A level and my sister has asked if my niece can sit in on my son’s tutor lessons. I said the tutor is 1:1 so I don’t think that would really be ok with the tutor, thinking that would put her off but it didn’t. She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t change my sons lesson.

I wanted to say no but said I’d ask my son. He has that he doesn’t want her there.

I have told my sister and she is angry. She doesn’t understand why we would say no. She has now offered to pay a small amount towards the tutor each week but it’s not about the money. My son wants the lesson by himself.

My partner thinks my sister is crazy to expect this and the more I think about it so do I. If you have used a tutor, would you actually consider this? My niece is struggling with the subject and my sister says she can’t afford a tutor.

Are we unreasonable to say no?

Exactly. One of my kids had a tutor for English, the other for chemistry and the tutors tailored the tuition to the things my sons needed to focus on. Your sister is being ridiculous. Either she pays for a tutor herself or she doesn’t get one.

I don’t think it would take anything away from your son by having her in the room, and it may help her.

Why? It’s not on family members to pay for things people want but can’t afford. A tutor is a luxury, not an essential. The sister isn’t entitled to OP’s money just because she may have more of it. And we don’t even know that’s true. The sister may have plenty of money and just choose to spend it elsewhere

Your sister is being a CF and you just need to keep telling her NO.

I’d tell her that DS is using the tutor to ensure he gets the highest mark possible and not to just pass the subject, because he could do that on his own anyway. If the niece is actually struggling with the A’ level, maybe she needs to drop it or swap to a different subject?

It is very disrespectful for the tutor. She or he charges per child. And operates on a one to one. Tailoring the lessons and progress to that one child. That is what they expect. That is how they work.
The tutor would think you are taking the pee if you introduce an additional child.
Your sister really needs to see it from the tutors perspective.

If I were Elon Musk, I’d give $1 billion to charity. But that’s just me, I suppose.

It’s easy to give away other people’s money, isn’t it?

My son has just finished A levels and had a politics tutor for about a year. He would have been excruciatingly uncomfortable to have someone constantly sitting observing him in every tuition. Not all teenagers have rock solid confidence. And he is VERY good at politics and intending to study it in September. Tutoring was a lot of money and it was a stretch wo include it in the budget and there is no way I would have jeopardised it by having someone eavesdropping every week - it was expensive and a real stretch for me.

That's so bloody cheeky!! It wasn’t “could we ask your tutor to change to 1:2 and go halves?” It was “we want what you are paying for for free!” Only when told no did they offer some money! For this reason alone it would be a no from me!!

My sister is MUCH wealthier than me... should she have paid the £75 per week that good A level tuition can cost? Her kids went to private school why didn't she pay for mine too the witch.

She occasionally does lovely things for us without us asking which are unexpected.

£300 per month is a lot of money for the majority of people, nice that you's give it to your sister most people wouldn't unless they had a LOT more than £300 per month spare.

Never said she was entitled to it. But in this case OP has got the means and the sister hasn't. She is not unreasonable to not want to pay for her niece but personally I would have. I suppose it's just different strokes for different folks.

If my sister tells me that she’s in marriage counselling and my DH and I aren’t getting along, should I ask if I should sit in and listen? I can’t afford marriage counselling and I promise to be quiet.

And now that I think about it sitting in would be unlikely to help her. The biggest advantage DS got from tuition was the feedback on the essays set, tutors don't teach new topics they give feedback on answers and target the lessons to what you need to cover. DS ia a potential A/A* condidate - the areas he needs to focus on and the feedback her gets on his essays would be totally different to someone struggling to get a pass. It's just pointless.

If she thinks that just sitting listening to someone else talk about the subject will help then I would humbly suggest that sitting in her school classes doing the same would have the same effect.

I think it's me you wanted to quote because the Elon Musk ref poster agreed with your take on this. The sister hasn't asked for OP to pay for a tutor- she asked for a sit-in for niece. I would def have paid for my nieces tutoring in this case. Because it's something useful and it's not an astronomical cost. But that's my take on it. The OP is not wrong per se- it's just different approaches to family.

The tutor will charge more for this surely as well?

Yes. Unless they choose to do it on the sly, ie, steal her intellectual property/service.

Having the means doesn't = not having anything else to do with that extra £300 per month. That could be the difference between a family holiday or not, doing a hobby or not. How far do you take it? If you have a thousand or more "spare" a month maybe you might offer or maybe you might save it for your children to have a deposit on a flat in the future or save it for a rainy day. I've been rich and poor and more often in between. I'm heading for retirement now and to be honest I don;t think "Ooh I wish I'd saved less money".

What if OP gives neice £3000 for tuition and she fails? The risks you'd take for your own kids are in most cases much higher than the risks you'd take even for other family members.

It's very easy to think "oh I'd give my neice £3,000 even though she might piss it up the wall" when you're not in that position.

She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know

But they'll soon know when the DD pipes up to ask them something won't they?

If a simple no isn't working, tell them you asked the tutor and it was a no from them too - which it almost certainly would be if you did ask

This.

Yanbu. It won’t be the same experience for your son when he knows his cousin is there listening in.

Stick to your guns, if your niece needs a tutor that badly, they can pay for their own/find someone who IS willing to share.

As a tutor I'd be concerned it would change the dynamics of the session.

@TheBlueKoala sounds like she’s philanthropic, and would be happy to fund a student in need.

I can’t see that the tutor has been mentioned in all this.

That's not a white lie but there's absolutely no need for any lie or drama. No, it breaks the concept of 1:1

But we don’t know that. The OP could be struggling to afford it by making sacrifices elsewhere and the sister could have plenty more money she chooses to spend on other things.

What about videos on YouTube to help your niece?