AIBU to refuse my niece joining my son's one-to-one tutor sessions?

[EveryMinuteAndEveryHour]

Since January we have paid for an online A level tutor once a week for an hour for our son.

My niece is doing the same A level and my sister has asked if my niece can sit in on my son’s tutor lessons. I said the tutor is 1:1 so I don’t think that would really be ok with the tutor, thinking that would put her off but it didn’t. She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t change my sons lesson.

I wanted to say no but said I’d ask my son. He has that he doesn’t want her there.

I have told my sister and she is angry. She doesn’t understand why we would say no. She has now offered to pay a small amount towards the tutor each week but it’s not about the money. My son wants the lesson by himself.

My partner thinks my sister is crazy to expect this and the more I think about it so do I. If you have used a tutor, would you actually consider this? My niece is struggling with the subject and my sister says she can’t afford a tutor.

Are we unreasonable to say no?

I have a Spanish tutor for my eldest. I did think about having her sister sit in it. But listening to the sessions, they are matched to her competency level. If I put my daughter in it, the tutor would be able to teach them simultaneously. He’d have to allocate them 30 minutes each instead. You know your sister is wrong. Your son and partner agree that it’s inappropriate to share the 1 to 1 tutoring. So just tell her and ignore her protests.

I've just clocked that she was expecting to not even let the tutor know.
How's she planning on that then - hiding behind a curtain or something?!
She's nuttier than squirrel poo 😂

can your sister afford a tutor?

Does your neice even want to sit in on the sessions? My dd would absolutely not want to do this.
also its probably in the T and Cs that you can’t do this. Its unhinged your sister would ask this of you tbh

My friend is a tutor. It is strictly 1:1. If any other child was in the room, regardless if they participated, she'd charge a separate fee for them.

Your sister wants the same opportunity but is too tight to dip her hand in her own purse to pay for her own child's additional tutoring. Tell her to piss off.

'A kind gift' wta? Kind needs to jog right off sometimes especially if it enables cfery.
Sis wants her d to have a tutor, she pays for it one way or another it's not OP's place to gift lessons.

The amount of Cfery that goes on never ceases to amaze me. No OP you’re not being unreasonable. And no matter what the arguments for and against, the fact is that your son doesn’t want her there. So there really is nothing more to be said - you are paying for him to have the benefit of the tutor, and that won’t happen if someone else is in the room making him feel uncomfortable. End of conversation.

@LoremIpsumCici If your sister needs help affording a tutor for your niece, maybe that would be a kind gift to contribute towards.

Seriously!

Why do people make suggestions aver other people's money.

No. Your sister is a cheeky mare. You are paying for a 1:1 lesson for your son, why on earth should your niece be allowed to 'sit in' on the lesson???!!! If your sister is that concerned about her daughter, then it's down to her to organise a separate lesson for her with the tutor, and bloody well pay!

You are not being unreasonable. My daughter and her friend (son of a friend of mine) both received maths coaching for A level maths from the same tutor. The tutor had a totally different approach to each of them. With my daughter there was a lot of humour and fun - she was very anxious about her ability. The friend was far more confident and his sessions were much more structured and formal.

He was a brilliant tutor though and they both got A's.

What has your sister done so far to help your niece with the subject?

Why is niece even studying this subject if she’s apparently doing so badly at it?

she completely can’t expect the niece to be able to sit in but I don’t think this is a possible solution in a lot of cases. More likely she needs to find a way to cut back on something else to free up funds or just accept she can’t afford it.

If the sister can’t afford it then what’s the point. Nothing needs to be said to the tutor

This is an example of the question being unreasonable. Not your answer.
It’s not ok for her to ask you this. It’s totally unreasonable to be putting you in this position.

It will be hard because she clearly has a brass neck but just calmly say “no, it’s not something we want to do.” You don’t even need to be sorry. It’s not a situation where you need to apologise. Repeat the short, firm “no” whenever the tutor is mentioned and change the subject.

If you went ahead with this you would be jeopardising your son’s session. Who could honestly say they’d fully concentrate, get engaged and ask questions knowing their cousin was lurking in the background?

I’m genuinely aghast she thought of this ridiculous idea. The bonus of having a tutor over revision materials is personalised input and an opportunity for questions/discussion. Since she would essentially be hiding then it renders those benefits mute!

Your sister needs a hard no. There is a wealth of free revision materials available online and via the school.

I would record the sessions - if the tutor was happy to agree - so my son could go over the content later in the week (my dd does this on particularly tricky topics) and I’d share the lessons with my niece.

Your son doesn't want her there. Number 1, most important, should not need any other reason... but here's a few

His tutor would not allow sit-in scroungers. 1-1 is their contract with YOU.

The tutor is paid by YOU to provide personal lessons based on your sons strengths and weaknesses (and exam board).

Learning from someone else's tutor session is like taking pot luck on content.
My dd had an online tutor for A level chemistry and concentrated solely on the organic chemistry side of things which she found troublesome, the rest was fine. So much so, that you (or niece) would think that it was the only topic in the subject.

Yes that is just you. Amazing how some people, like you, are so keen to guilt trip others in order to shame them into spending their money how you want them to.

OP, let your sister be angry - that is her choice. You are not at fault at all.

Absolutely no to the suggestion of 'sharing' the tutor surreptiously and no don't offer or feel you have pay towards a tutor for your niece, your sister is her parent and that is her responsibility not yours.

Does the sister follow a few steps behind people who have hired PTs at the gym, copying their routine?

I have done 1:1 tutoring online. To be successful it very much depends on building up a good relationship with student- so they can unselfconsciously explain what they struggle with. It also requires concentration- if the student is distracted, might as well give up.
I've also coached 2 students together- in real life, not online. It's much better than nothing, but not as good as 1:1. I charged more for my time when teaching 2 together.
I think your sister is being unreasonable. I can understand her pov. but in real life, it wouldn't work.
It's also really not fair to the tutor.

I've had talks online recorded and I charged MUCH more. For all your son's tutor knows, they could be passed on to half a dozen students.
Is your tutor operating through an agency? They would not ok this.

How's that fair for the tutor, though? I'm not a tutor but that seems well out of order to me.
Potentially depriving her of an extra bit of income and giving her knowledge away for free?!
No, sorry. CF should cough up if she wants lessons!

A tutor & 1 student set up is completely different to a classroom situation surely, with more direct interaction and the programme and delivery adapted to suit the needs of the student and the areas they need most support in.

It's a no. That's the contract 1:1. Not 1:2. She can have the contact details and book her own or not have private tutoring.

My son didn't have a private tutor during his A levels because we can't afford it. In the area I live in, the school with the best results is in the area where the parents can afford private tutors and do pay for them. The teachers and school get all the praise for the results but I believe a huge part of that is the paid for extra tuition that many of the pupils have.

I'd be very interested in seeing any stats which take private tuition into account when sharing the A level results of students at state funded schools and colleges.

But you are completely in the right with this and your sister is being a plonker. She's too poor so her daughter has to simply miss out on the extra tuition.

I can’t believe that some posters are thinking of ways to facilitate this.
OP is paying accordingly for specialist individual tutoring to benefit her son.
The tutor - pupil relationship won’t be the same if someone else is joining in / present / wigging in surreptitiously.
OP should not be dumping the decision making on her son - it’s not fair on him - he doesn’t have the life experience to make an informed choice IMO.
Sister is outrageously cheeky to ask for anything more than contact details for the tutor so she can make her own arrangements.