AIBU to refuse my niece joining my son's one-to-one tutor sessions?

[EveryMinuteAndEveryHour]

Since January we have paid for an online A level tutor once a week for an hour for our son.

My niece is doing the same A level and my sister has asked if my niece can sit in on my son’s tutor lessons. I said the tutor is 1:1 so I don’t think that would really be ok with the tutor, thinking that would put her off but it didn’t. She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t change my sons lesson.

I wanted to say no but said I’d ask my son. He has that he doesn’t want her there.

I have told my sister and she is angry. She doesn’t understand why we would say no. She has now offered to pay a small amount towards the tutor each week but it’s not about the money. My son wants the lesson by himself.

My partner thinks my sister is crazy to expect this and the more I think about it so do I. If you have used a tutor, would you actually consider this? My niece is struggling with the subject and my sister says she can’t afford a tutor.

Are we unreasonable to say no?

We are already paying quite a lot for the tutor, we don't want to contribute to another one.

Firm no. DD has improved greatly with a tutor as she is comfortable to speak out when she’s struggling unlike in class and the teaching is tailored to her. If someone else was present she would clam up and not get the same benefit. We are £120 a week for tutors in term time, it’s something we are prioritising for our child and I’m afraid I wouldn’t take kindly to anyone implying we should share the resource.

I tutor maths, including A level. I would make 3 points:

1. This would be detrimental for your son as he might feel restricted in what he asks and how he responds because he knows he's being observed by his cousin.
2. It will be of very limited benefit to your niece as lessons will be tailored for your son's needs, which are unlikely to coincide with hers, and she will be unable to ask questions.
3. I would be very unhappy as the tutor to find out there's an undeclared observer - it's a breach of trust.

So all in all, letting your niece listen in would be terrible idea. Please do continue to decline.

YABU and a coward to not say hard no and put it on your son not wanting her there. Listening to the lesson won’t do anything- it’s tailored to your son’s knowledge and areas to support.

I think you have been unreasonable to put the decision on your son’s shoulders, rather than giving your sister a firm “no”.

Regardless of all the other valid points people have made, your son said no. That would be it as far as I'm concerned.

I agreed to ask him because otherwise she and my niece were going to. He is 18 soon so is capable of being involved in the conversation but it was better it was with me than them.

When I asked my son what he thought, I had already told him that I thought it was a bad idea and said he shouldn’t do it.

I used to tutor MFL and was asked by the mother of a boy that I was tutoring for GCSE if it was OK if his younger brother sat in on the lessons. Before I could say yes or no, the boy jumped in and said, very firmly, that it wouldn’t work, that we were concentrating on his weak areas, and it would have been of no use to his brother. So I got myself another two hours a week with his brother!

If she would be sitting silently out of sight, she would presumably be unable to see what's on the screen, unless you were really deceitful and set up another monitor duplicating the display. She wouldn't be getting the real benefit of a tutor, in that there would be no interaction. She'd do better to watch some online videos instead. She could try googling for free A-level chemistry videos (no guarantee of quality, of course) or asking her school for recommendations.

It may not actually help her. The tutor will be focussed on the topics your son wants extra help with and if she sits there saying nothing out of sight most will “go over her head” also she won’t be able to see what is shared in the screen so in reality a total waste of time .

agree if the tutor heard her / caught sight of her they could legitimately refuse to take future sessions so your DS loses out.

No is a complete sentence and you just need to tell your DS No and leave it at that.

Why would you suggest she tell lies? Ridiculous.

Why can’t she hire the tutor herself if she’s so keen?

She says she can’t afford to.

Your sister is rude and disrespectful, both to your son and his tutor.

Just say you're not depriving the tuor of income by being sneaky nor are you diluting your son's lesson and concentration.

Tell her you will run it past the tutor and ask what will be the fee for two students. Your niece can absolutely not sit in out of sight. But if your son does't want her there she can't come under any circumstances. Too cheeky.,

Apart from anything, to have a second child sitting out of sight benefitting from the tutor's expertise is totally dishonest. You have paid for 1:1 lessons and they should stay that way. You are not being unreasonable.

why lie?

then don't say that you will run it past the tutor. Sone says no, end of.

Too many things :-
if they’re at different schools / colleges they may not be doing the same exam board. Questions styles can vary dramatically between them.

They may have different specs - so if there are optional parts different places may have chosen for example different texts for English literature.

Most tutors can come to an arrangement it there are more people within the session - but it would usually be an increased fee overall. check your tutors terms and conditions. They may not allow this as part of them.

It would change the dynamic in your sons room - he may be less inclined to work with the tutor knowing his cousin is overhearing everything he says.

If your sister wants a tutor - there are sometimes schemes run by local
universities where students will help with tutoring. They might be worth investigating.

good luck navigating the situation
for me it would be a sorry no, especially if the dynamic is working well with the tutor.

Chemistry isn’t really a listen and learn subject at the best of times. Let alone how your son would feel being watched in the sessions.
Your sister is bonkers.

Tell her that the tutor said she couldn't steal their time and money. Because that's what piggybacking on their lessons would be.

Her kid will just have to go to school revision sessions.

Just tell her no. Your son is doing well having these private lessons. You don’t want to upset the situation by having the privacy and concentration disturbed. Nor does he. And that’s that. She needs to stop asking.

And how dare they ignore you saying no and go asking him! I’d be really cross.

I do a bit of online 1:1/small group tutoring as a side hustle (I’m a full time classroom teacher but also do tutoring & examining as I’m planning to semi retire in a few years).

I have a waiting list, & would give one firm warning before terminating our bookings if there was a background lurker.

If they are on the same page in terms of needs & actively wanted to do tutorials together, I’d be delighted & would give you a substantial discount - I prefer paired/small group tutorials as they’re more fun to teach.

But no, your sister is being ridiculous. The tutor isn’t going to be providing some sort of mystical extra content which is unavailable in dniece’s regular classes. The value is entirely in the participation.

She would get more out of revision videos on YouTube than listening in to her cousin’s tutor sessions.

I'm a 1:1 tutor and would not agree to this. If your sister wants a tutor for her daughter then she can pay for one!!