AIBU to refuse my niece joining my son's one-to-one tutor sessions?

[EveryMinuteAndEveryHour]

Since January we have paid for an online A level tutor once a week for an hour for our son.

My niece is doing the same A level and my sister has asked if my niece can sit in on my son’s tutor lessons. I said the tutor is 1:1 so I don’t think that would really be ok with the tutor, thinking that would put her off but it didn’t. She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t change my sons lesson.

I wanted to say no but said I’d ask my son. He has that he doesn’t want her there.

I have told my sister and she is angry. She doesn’t understand why we would say no. She has now offered to pay a small amount towards the tutor each week but it’s not about the money. My son wants the lesson by himself.

My partner thinks my sister is crazy to expect this and the more I think about it so do I. If you have used a tutor, would you actually consider this? My niece is struggling with the subject and my sister says she can’t afford a tutor.

Are we unreasonable to say no?

She has expected things for free in the past. Last year my daughter was selling some clothes on vinted and my sister asked her if she could have them instead. My daughter said yes but gave her a price for them. My daughter is at uni so not working full time and it was all really nice stuff that she’d paid a lot for. My sister thought my daughter was wrong for wanting money for the clothes because she’s family.

My niece got a low B in her end of year assessment. She thinks she’ll get a B next year but would like an A/A*.

In my opinion, my sister could cut back her spending in some areas and hire a tutor if she wanted to but she convinces herself that she can’t afford it. She justifies all her random spending when I’ve suggested changes in response to her saying she can’t afford things in the past. I keep out and don’t say anything now. She does have less money that us although isn’t poor, but she seems to think because we have more, that means we should share.

oh god the "be kind" squad have arrived

I had a feeling your DSis might be like that. Quite honestly, her DD mark sounds pretty good, if she's capable of a B in the exam then she doesn't need much extra study to boost it up

Sister “says” she can’t afford it. How do we know this is actually true? A lot of people say they can’t afford things before they don’t actually WANT to pay for them which I would bet this is more true than the sister can’t

So your sister is a CF.
Hassling your daughter for her clothes for free.
I wouldn't want her near my children.
She sounds like a grifter.

Bbbbbbut she's famileeeee. Beeeee kind
😉

London here and for a top tutor (ex head of subject/ex examiner in subject) it’s £75

£25 per hour for A level tuition? That's ridiculously cheap. I charge £50 per hour, and am in huge demand. Those teachers are under selling themselves.

That's more like it, considering the level of knowledge and skills. What on earth can you get nowadays for £25 ph?.

Well...they are students themselves so not yet teachers which explains it. You get what you pay for I suppose. Having said that some are brillant.

Oh, they're students? That's different.
I doubt very much they're "brilliant", but can no doubt guide through the specification, which can be useful.

Totally cheeky and unacceptable. Tell them that the whole point of 1-2-1 tuition is so your son can feel comfortable to discuss, learn and make mistakes without classmates or peers. Having a relative listening in changes that dynamic for him. If they want tuition, they can find small group sessions and budget for one from their own pocket, not invite their DC to yours! CF.

When we were looking for a tutor, I think the cheapest was £45 per hour for Chemistry A level and that was a student with very little experience.

We are paying £90 per hour.

Yes, that sounds worth it for the expertise.
To add, you are most definitely not being unreasonable to not want the niece to sit in on the sessions.

We are £55ph for maths and £65ph for English. Both with long waiting lists.

I paid £50 an hour for in person Higher chemistry tutor, he had a PhD in chemistry and had been head of chemistry at a well regarded private school, this was 3 years ago though.. I paid £45 an hour last year and the year before for online Nat 5 and Higher English tuition for my son, she was a principal teacher of English in her school. We are in Scotland.

Well done you.
Is your offspring at uni now? Are you paying for extra uni tuition?

What sort of career is your child aiming for? Will you be paying for a career coach to prepare them for the interview?

Seems a bit harsh. Sometimes our kids just need a different approach, from a different person.

Dds chemistry teacher did not have the skills or subject knowledge depth in one or 2 topics, the tutor specialised in those topics. We paid to fill the gaps. Most tutors are engaged to fill gaps - which is why 1 to 1 works best.

That's interesting and probably true. Which raises the question of why are such useless teachers teaching in schools??

For the record, I was a private tutor. Some of my students had been badly taught at school. It was amazing. However, for GCSE, my students tended to fall into 2 categories - those who wanted to just scrape through with a grade 4, they would have ticked a box and would never do my subject again. The others usually wanted a grade 6 or 7 in order to do A levels. It was a school requirement, many of them were brilliant at Maths or Chemistry but only average in English, my subject.

On the subject of 1:1 tuition, the tutee should have about 50% input into the lesson. It is a question of discovering the student's weaknesses and clarifying areas of misunderstanding. A second tutee would have entirely different issues and would slow the process down. I was constantly questioning my students and checking their understanding.

By A levels, the student should be able to cope with the workload. It they can't, they are not fit for University. My point was, where does it stop? So many of today's kids are mollycoddled so much that they are not fit for the workplace.

@HarshbutTrue2
"That's interesting and probably true. Which raises the question of why are such useless teachers teaching in schools??"

Chemistry teachers are in short supply (and Physics, and Maths). So Dd's fill in Chemistry teacher was a Geography teacher who did some chemistry in their degree, with a biology teacher doing a couple of lessons a week.

Lack of depth in subject knowledge is a big problem when you never studied the subject.

At my sisters's school - she is a deputy head - they have had the PE teacher doing Y7/8 Maths for 2 terms because they simply can't get STEM teachers and he had done Maths at A level.

Tutoring is a rapidly growing, decently paid profession for a reason.

I have only done tutoring with two students present, in person, and it was a bloody nightmare. Similar scenario, one was the original student and then a cousin was shoehorned in. They were at entirely different stages in terms of understanding, and it was impossible to cater to both of them.
In the end they separated out and had individual lessons.
I know it might seem unfair but tutoring is business. You can afford to pay and your sister cannot. It’s life I am afraid.
I can remember when I was first tutoring - and I was teaching as well - and one student really improved. His teacher asked if he had a tutor and the student said, yes! So the teacher asked for the handouts I was giving him and started using them in his lessons. I had no idea - the CF! The teacher actually told me himself at a training course a couple of years later, he was an old hand and enjoyed the more contemporary ‘stuff’ I was providing. He was in a private school as well.
Your sister is guilt tripping you. It’s not your job to educate or clothe her daughter. Maybe you’d be more inclined to help if she didn’t badger you?

😼 Miaow

I used to be a German teacher, and was surprised to see Y9 maths on my timetable when I came back one September. This was back when we did Y9 SATS. I had no experience in maths whatsoever (apart from studying it at GCSE), and nobody discussed it with me—it was just plonked into my timetable.

@EveryMinuteAndEveryHour

Hell, no! A 1:1 tutor session is incredibly expensive & tailored specifically to the student for that reason. Don’t let your VERY CF sister guilt trip you.

In theory, a teacher can teach a level below which they are educated.

Therefore, anyone with gcse maths should be able to teach ks3 maths. A well resourced department should have the teaching materials available.

I do know, from experience, that there's a lot of useless teachers out there. They're simply not interested. I wanted all of my students to pass. Some teachers simply didn't care.

I have never taught History but I know I could, because I have studied history at degree level and I have an interest in history. The most important part of any subject is the assessment objectives.

A Biology teacher would have sufficient scientific knowledge to teach gcse chemistry. A level maths is much more difficult than ks3 maths.

Another personal bugbear of mine is teachers who don't go to school, or don't teach when they are there. Students are in trouble for poor attendance. If their attendance is below 80% they are unlikely to pass their gcses. Most schools demand over 90%. How can kids pass if their teacher is absent for 30% of the year. Yet that is ok with the school.