AIBU to refuse my niece joining my son's one-to-one tutor sessions?

[EveryMinuteAndEveryHour]

Since January we have paid for an online A level tutor once a week for an hour for our son.

My niece is doing the same A level and my sister has asked if my niece can sit in on my son’s tutor lessons. I said the tutor is 1:1 so I don’t think that would really be ok with the tutor, thinking that would put her off but it didn’t. She wants my niece to just be in the room listening to get the same lesson as my son gets and thinks this is okay as the tutor wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t change my sons lesson.

I wanted to say no but said I’d ask my son. He has that he doesn’t want her there.

I have told my sister and she is angry. She doesn’t understand why we would say no. She has now offered to pay a small amount towards the tutor each week but it’s not about the money. My son wants the lesson by himself.

My partner thinks my sister is crazy to expect this and the more I think about it so do I. If you have used a tutor, would you actually consider this? My niece is struggling with the subject and my sister says she can’t afford a tutor.

Are we unreasonable to say no?

Here is where I think yanbu. Your sister can't afford it- you can afford helping your niece paying for a tutor but you "don't want to". If I was better off than my sister I would have happily paid for a tutor for my niece. But that's just me I suppose.

She asked you said no, end of discussion.

Its her choice to be angry.

It's FOMO.

I don't know how I managed to pass my A levels. I never had any extra tuition. I did buy a couple of study guides. I just got on with it.

If he wants to discuss his problems with his tutor I can see why he wouldn't want her listening in, and I expect the things she needs help with will be different. And it's unfair to the tutor to teach two for the price of one. They can pay for their own tutor if they want one.

YANBU but I think you were wrong to put it on your son. Even though he doesn't want her there, the anwer should/would still have been 'no' even if he had said yes, for the reasons that you stated - mainly that it's 1;1 to meet your son's needs and would go against the agreement with the tutor.

What is it with people that they see something someone else has got and feel entitled to it without organising or paying for it themselves. Selfish and entitled. Just say no and let her be angry. It's beyond rude to keep pressing someone for something when they have said no.

Absolutely not. I would not risk the relationship with my son’s tutor. Does the school not offer extra group work to support kids in their studies?

No. I have had 1-1 tuition for my DD for a couple of years. No way, it’s way too intrusive

She wants you to pay so that your son gets a worse deal than he is currently getting?!

Very cheeky of her :(

The clue is in the name - 1 to 1.

Yes if she is struggling with certain aspects she should ask the teacher at school for help and there may be opportunities to stay late for extra supervised study. And as said by others there are good revision guides and lots of free online support videos and even AI to answer question if she can't afford a tutor.

It would only take one sneeze or cough……..

Your DSis doesn't understand tutoring, she thinks it's general teaching of a subject rather than 1to1 tailored to a student's needs. Tell her your DN wouldn't benefit from your DS sessions and the tutor wouldn't allow it anyway

As a teacher and as a tutor, 1:1 sessions are designed around your child’s specific needs and capabilities and take time to prep accordingly. Unless your niece has the same specific content requirements , she is unlikely to benefit, not to mention the breach of trust if your tutor finds out.
I recommend using MaChemGuy MaChemGuy YouTube MaChemGuy webpage or Allery Chemistry for those students I am unable to tutor.

There are many other ways to help children with their learning, the tutor is just the easiest for your sister as she neither needs to organise or pay for it. If she can't afford tutors she needs to get books or try websites a quick google brings up quite a few resources.

The entitlement of some people just shakes my brain! You're paying a tutor to help your son through this subject and sister thinks it’s ok to hijack the session by you allowing her DD to sit in and listen and pay a little bit towards it!?
Give her the contact details for the tutor and don’t tell her when the lesson are planned for.

It’s not fair on your son nor the tutor. If they found out, they could sack you as a client.

It’s sad that she can’t afford tutoring but essentially stealing isn’t okay.

I also think a good compromise is your son tutoring his cousin. It would actually help both of them. If he goes over the content of each 1:1 session once he’s had his lesson that is probably the best way for him to realise the benefits and ensure you get maximum return on the cost of the tuition; teaching someone else and recapping recently learned material is literally the best way of ensuring his learning sticks. They would both be revising and your duster would be placated.

I completely agree with you.

Sometimes its right to be the bad guy for your kids, so it was totally wrong to pass an adult decision on to him to dilute the sisters anger.

What if he had said yes?

Your sister believes her child has a right to equality of outcome with your son. She's wrong. There can't be equality of outcome because she hasn't made the choices, decisions & sacrifices that allow her to afford a tutor. That's not her daughter's fault, but neither is it your son's. I'd be telling her "no" re accessing your son's sessions, but offering help to find part time work for your sister that'll cover the bill. In reality, I probably wouldn't put much effort into helping with the job search because if she was genuinely prepared to put in that kind of effort she'd have done so already. Lazy, dependent, entitled people who use manipulation &/or emotional blackmail to get what they want with zero effort are really getting under my skin nowadays.

Nope. It wouldn’t help her that much anyway. The whole point of one to one is that it’s tailored to that child. Stay firm.

Are the online lessons recorded so he can look back at them again? Maybe she could watch the recordings back?

I doubt your niece wants to do this. I think your sister is worried about costs of one to one tuition and is worried for her daughter. I would want to help her too, as long as it didn't interfere with my son's lesson.
I think be kind about it because it's a stressful time, but stick to your one to one session, as you have chosen one to one for a reason

Spot on

That is not your problem to solve for her

YANBU. You are paying for this tutor to help your son. Your niece would be a distraction and her just sitting in without telling the tutor would be dishonest. If she wants 1:1 tutoring of her own, your sister has to pay for it. If she can't and is struggling maybe you son could share some of the things (tips, tricks, explanations) from his tutor to help her after his lesson.